/his/
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1)
The great Emperor Hiroyuki Nishimura answered the calls of the repressed /his/ communities of 4chan and granted them a homeland. This homeland was called /his/; and it was estimated to have been created in AD 2015(but possibly sometime after that because we couldn't be fucked sourcing). The anons of this board have come together to form a team that represents them in the 4chan Cup, in all their historical, humanitarian and philosophical capacity.
By the way, we have a discord server now. Join here!
Exports
- Tactical Export: Tic tacs
- Aesthetics Export: Aesthetics
- Audio Export: We Didn't Start the Fire
Roster
- Main Article: /his/ roster
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History
2019 Winter Campaign
It's a strange; abstract kind of Campaign
Coming off the back of a reasonable Quarter-finals appearance in the Autumn Cup '18, a sensation came over the team as had never been had before. Several new members were fully welcomed into the fray, including the hulking giant-president Taft and the cunning and equally hungry general Zhang Xun; master of the Decisive Tang strategic victory in January 757 AD. With a fresh sense of optimism and the matter of qualifying squarely settled, the rag-tag team of history's best embarked on to yet another blustery and icy Winter Cup.
Group Stages
/k/ v /his/
"Hello?" Monsieur Lindy called into the gently-shaking foliage. "Is that you, Bomber Harris? Whoever it is, just let it be known I am completely ready to surrender at any time." The trees rustled back and chattered in 2nd-amendment speak. Muh Mauser, one hissed. Implying Moist Nuggets aren't kino, came the reply. Lindybeige promptly fled through the snowy forest, tripping and stumbling his way back into the clearing where /his/'s encampment lay, where - once again - Bismarck was attempting German Unification.
The alarm was quickly raised. Trenches in the snow and hard earth were dug. Bizarrely, those trenches formed a perfect rectangular shape, the dimensions of which were perfect to play a formidable game of divegrass. It was only as the last picket was dug that Lindy realised that the enemy had been standing on the pitch the entire time. They had not been spotted because they were; of course, wearing full camo /innawoods/. A crowd gathered round, and a ball was tossed into play. A /k/ player let out a harsh BRRRRRRRT instead of a referee's whistle, and before anyone thought better to question this narrative, a divegrass game began in earnest.
The advantage of surprise did not do much to dissuade /his/ defenders - and indeed, the game would end with a combined 17 shots on goal (split 8-9 in /his/'s favour) in what quickly evolved into a furious barrage of attacking. /k/'s defenders struggled to meet the early aggression of the already-extremely-aggressive African Paratrooper. Whether or not this was because they came to the realisation that Africans have finally figured out how to use guns was irrelevant - some fine maneuvers and partial error from the centres left an opportunity open for /his/' forward pack to make their mark. A brace of attacks on goal followed - Charles II's supportive play allowed Bomber Harris to slip one in past STOPPAN POWER in the 23rd, and Monsieur Lindy even overcame his timid French ways to be the beneficiary of >Holy>Roman>Empire's cross, scoring his very first goal for /his/ in the 36th. Retaliatory counterattacks on goal by /k/ forward Zergface left good dents in Taft's mighty gut, but /k/ remained scoreless in the half and fell to a 3-0 disadvantage shortly thereafter as Bomber Harris slammed another into the nets. Moist Nugget attempted to reclaim dignity for /k/ at the 66 minute mark, but /his/'s early gains had more than made up for a second half spent entirely on the defensive. Possession was all but dead even on the buzzer [49% /k/ - /his/ 51%]. With a combined 17 shots on target in the game [8 /k/ - /his/ 9], dead-even passes completed (82% - 84%), and roughly similar numbers to interceptions and tackles, it had been an even match that was definitely not reflected in the scores.
For his extremely gallant performance throughout and for napalming the shit out of /k/'s defensive line, Bomber Harris received man of the match.
/his/ v /tv/
Back on home turf for the first time in what had seemed forever, spirits were high entering the match into the historically weak /tv/. Having just finished putting his boots on to give him an extra two inches of height, Napoleon made an impassioned speech to the other men (and Anne Frank) that if all performed their duty well then /tv/ would not stand a chance. A rousing cheer echoed from the locker-rooms of the Amphiteatrum Flavium, and the little general led the team onto the snowy field.
Bizarrely, nobody had remembered what happened the last time Napoleon led a Winter campaign against a weakened opponent. Twenty-seven astounding minutes of arrogance later, /his/ was in total disarray. /tv/ had erupted out of the gates with the full force of a documentary about Hitler's Secret Weapon on V-E day and claimed a 2-0 lead, championed primary by the extremely attractive and gallant Brendan Fraser and the forceful BIG GUY himself. An emergency re-adjustment from Gen. Ivanovich (namely telling Taft to stop eating) in the 28th minute led to an almost astounding reversal of fortune by opening up attacking opportunities for Bismarck and Charles II in the midfield. The troubled and largely unprepared defensive line of /tv/ were scattered; and Bomber Harris showed the /tv/ Goalie that a plane was a far superior form of High Ground than standing on a small incline by finding the back of the net twice in six minutes. It was the fastest /his/ had returned from a such a deficit in the team's existence. The half came to a halt at 2-2 - the battered and bruised statistics once again belying the proper result - and the game remained goalless for another thirty minutes, until the mighty strides of More Wives, Your Grace? thundered from the DMF position, blooting the ball out long like it was Anne Bolyne's head. H.R.H Prince Charlie found and promptly cannoned the shot past High Ground in the 77th minute for a 3-2 scoreline that would remain until the final siren.
For his extremely gallant performance throughout and for something else that couldn't quite be remembered - but was again possibly to do with Napalm - Bomber Harris received the MVP award for a second consecutive time.
/b/ v /his/
In a non-totally meaningless Spring Babby Cup group-ender, /b/ defeated /his/ to secure a clean 12-point sweep of their group and ensure that /his/ would tumble to a wooden spoon; the team's lowest and darkest time. Despite the lack of historical records during that period; it was plain for any and all of the thousand-odd crowd to see that some calm, hardened looks had descended over the faces of /his/'s players. Exactly what terrible things had arisen during their last encounter? How did it motivate them to perform? What happened to the team in the terrible hours and nights that followed the ceremonial handing of the wooden spoon to Charles II? It was not for any to know or guess, but something murderous crept onto the field.
The referee laid the ball upon the bitch, and /b/ CMF Trolled 2 Death came face to face with >Holy>Roman>Empire "LMaO you fUckin MAD KID," some later attested him to saying. "u mad? u mad? lol u tk him 2da bar|?" >Holy>Roman>Empire said nothing, but passed the ball back to Gaius & Aulus; who had notably stopped holding hands. The reckoning had begun.
The match did not seem out of the ordinary for some time. The /his/ forwards were adept, capable, easily outmaneuvering their /b/ counterparts, first by inches and then by feet. The defensive line began to move quicker. The Isonzo River deflected an early attempt by 60s spiderman like it was water on the guns of Austerlitz. By 10 minutes, Charles II appeared to exhibit strange, almost anomalous quantities. His running had almost began to look gainly, graceful, without effort. His muscles had swolen to twice their normal size; giving his head and chin some strange look of normality. None noticed the flickering, crackling energy that surrounded >Holy>Roman>Empire, who completely devastated all semblance of /b/ midfield aggression in idle strides. The /b/tards in the audience were ignorant of any change until Gigga Puddi attempted to slide tackle Charles II in the seventeenth minute. A burst of light and a shriek of autistic Habsburg rage was all many heard or saw; and Giga Puddi was thrown clear, the goal left open. Charles thundered his way through the net so forcefully /b/'s goalie was incapable of reacting. A silent wave of shock dispelled the chanting crowd.
And then, from over the hills beyond the stadiums; the mongolian war-horns rang out. All thirty-six of /his/' remaining supporters fell into a trance. Tri-ar-ii, Tri-ar-ii, they began chanting, softly at first but growing firmer and stronger, louder and more resonant by the second.
Charles struck again, and again. His power grew. Swift, and unrelenting. The /b/ legion knew his majesty was coming, as he always had, as he always would, to feast on the blood of the wicked. >Holy>Roman>Empire shimmered in an ethereal light, and was seen to flicker in and out of this plane, stealing from /b/ midfielders and passing to any and all. His Majesty punched a hole in the net with his second goal at the 34th, and the ball was lost into the stands. Bomber Harris added a dash of fire and brimstone, spreading despair among the /b/ defenders to add a 3-0 goal before the halftime mark. The reprieve in half-time did nothing to alleviate his most gracious and royal highness' lust for revenge; and a fourth goal was born in the 59th when Charles II flexed his chin, nearly decapitating Tribute to complete his Majesty's second hat-trick on record(and causing the /b/ manager to call for an emergency changeover).
From among the ranks of /b/'s players, Gigga Puddi rallied against the unfairness. Surely this was some form of devilry; some form of madness. He sought to protest to the umpire, but was cut off as Voltaire's smirking face blinked into existence before him. >"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh," said the Philosopher. It was unknown what Gigga Puddi's response was; if any - he fled the field screaming and was replaced by 2Edgy4Me. This did not stop the dearth of goals. /his/'s ultimate weapon, the Mongolian Horse Archer, rode through and struck promptly in the 65th; accepting a pass from >Holy>Roman>Empire and firing it straight through FUCKIN SAVED in a fit of righteously-fuelled rage.
/b/ and its supporters fled the field. At some point it became clear that /b/ - namely, Tribute - had managed to score a goal in stoppage time in the first half. This was later determined to be incorrect - instead, Charles II had kicked the second goal so hard it had flown through the net, punched through a spectator and the stadium, flown around the planet, and landed in /his/'s own goal. The record was left un-amended as a goal for Tribute and /b/ as a show of magnanimity and mercy from his highness.
It was not clear what happened next. The team vanished. /b/ scribes burned wards and marks into the stands; a warning to all of virutal divegrass that the terror that took place must never be repeated.
Elimination Round of 16: /his/ vs /vg/
To be continued...
Match Log
Cup Perfomance
| Event | Record | GF | GA | GD | Result | Place |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
 2016 4chan Spring Babby Cup Qualifiers
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2-0-1 | 9 | 5 | 4 | Promoted | 3rd |
 2016 4chan Spring Babby Cup
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1-0-2 | 8 | 9 | -1 | Failed to Advance | 21st |
 2016 4chan Autumn Babby Cup
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0-1-2 | 5 | 9 | -3 | Relegated | 29th |
 2017 4chan Spring Babby Cup Qualifiers
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3-1-0 | 7 | 3 | 4 | Promoted | 1st |
 2017 4chan Spring Babby Cup
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2-0-2 | 8 | 9 | -1 | Round of 16 | 13th |
 2017 4chan Summer Cup
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2-0-2 | 8 | 7 | -1 | Round of 16 | 11th |
 2018 4chan Winter Cup
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1-0-2 | 2 | 4 | -2 | Relegated | 23rd |
 2018 4chan Spring Babby Cup
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0-0-4 | 8 | 19 | -11 | Relegated | 40th |
 2018 4chan Autumn Babby Cup Qualifiers
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2-0-1 | 2 | 3 | -1 | Promoted | 6th |
 2018 4chan Autumn Babby Cup
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4-1-2 | 9 | 3 | 6 | Runner-up | 2nd |
 2019 4chan Winter Cup
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3-0-1 | 12 | 6 | 6 | Round of 16 | 13th |
Recent & Upcoming Official Matches
| Date | Opponent | Competition | Result | Scorers | Video |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| July 20, 2019 |  /aco/
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 2019 Summer Cup - Group E
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TBD | ||
| July 26, 2019 |  /mlp/
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2019 Summer Cup - Group E
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TBD | ||
| July 28, 2019 |  /co/
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2019 Summer Cup - Group E
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TBD |
Previous Official Matches
| Date | Opponent | Competition | Result | Scorers | Video |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| April 15, 2016 |  /v/
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2016 Spring Babby Cup Qualifiers - Group B
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4-1 W | >Holy>Roman>Empire  45+1', 56', 73'Bismarck 64'
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| April 16, 2016 | /co/
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2016 Spring Babby Cup Qualifiers - Group B
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4-1 W | >Holy>Roman>Empire 17', 66' Bismarck 33'Vlad the Implier 36'
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| April 17, 2016 |  /toy/
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2016 Spring Babby Cup Qualifiers - Group B
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1-3 L | >Holy>Roman>Empire 64'
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| May 6, 2016 |  /lit/
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2016 Spring Babby Cup - Group C
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5-6 L | >Holy>Roman>Empire 44', 45', 49', 54', 73'
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| May 8, 2016 |  /o/
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2016 Spring Babby Cup - Group C
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0-1 L | ||
| May 14, 2016 |  /cm/
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2016 Spring Babby Cup - Group C
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3-2 W | Bismarck 30' >Holy>Roman>Empire 43', 66'
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| October 29, 2016 |  /p/
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2016 Autumn Babby Cup - Group H
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4-5 L | >Holy>Roman>Empire 8', 31' Napoleon 73'Bismarck 90+4'
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| November 4, 2016 |  /int/
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2016 Autumn Babby Cup - Group H
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1-1 D | >Holy>Roman>Empire 68'
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| November 6, 2016 |  /wg/
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2016 Autumn Babby Cup - Group H
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0-3 L | ||
| April 28, 2017 |  /lgbt/
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2017 Spring Babby Cup Qualifiers - Group A
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3-2 W | Bismarck 21', 30' >Holy >Roman >Empire 68'
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| April 29, 2017 |  /wsg/
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2017 Spring Babby Cup Qualifiers - Group A
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3-0 W | 13', 76' >Holy >Roman >Empire 89' Napoleon
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| April 30, 2017 |  /tg/
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2017 Spring Babby Cup Qualifiers - Group A
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1-1 D | >Holy >Roman >Empire 89'
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| May 12, 2017 | /mlp/
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2017 Spring Babby Cup - Group B
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2-1 W | 12', 71' >Holy>Roman>Empire
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Video |
| May 14, 2017 |  /sci/
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2017 Spring Babby Cup - Group B
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4-3 W | Vlad The Implier 5' >Holy>Roman>Empire 45+0' Bismarck 74', 90+5'
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Video |
| May 20, 2017 |  /n/
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2017 Spring Babby Cup - Group B
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2-3 L | 87' Bomber Harris 90+6' Anarcho-Memeism
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Video |
| May 27, 2017 | /tg/
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2017 Spring Babby Cup - Knockouts
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0-2 L | Video | |
| July 28, 2017 |  /s4s/
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2017 4chan Summer Cup - Group C
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3-2 W | 7', 29' Bismarck 22' >Holy>Roman>Empire
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Video |
| July 30, 2017 | /wg/
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2017 4chan Summer Cup - Group C
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1-2 L | 69' >Holy>Roman>Empire
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Video |
| August 5, 2017 |  /asp/
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2017 4chan Summer Cup - Group C
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2-0 W | 42' Bomber Harris 52' >Holy>Roman>Empire
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Video |
| August 12, 2017 |  /u/
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2017 4chan Summer Cup - Knockouts
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2-3 L | 8' >Holy>Roman>Empire 90+2' Bomber Harris
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Video |
| 17 February, 2018 |  /fit/
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2018 4chan Winter Cup - Group G
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1-0 W | Read the Fucking Sticky  36'
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Video |
| 23 February, 2018 | /u/
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2018 4chan Winter Cup - Group G
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1-2 L | Charles II 59'
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Video |
| 25 February, 2018 | /mlp/
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2018 4chan Winter Cup - Group G
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0-2 L | Video | |
| May 5, 2018 |  /vp/
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2018 4chan Spring Babby Cup - Group G
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1-5 L | >Holy>Roman>Empire 32'
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Video |
| May 11, 2018 |  /trv/
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2018 4chan Spring Babby Cup - Group G
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2-3 L | 26' Charles II 71' >Holy>Roman>Empire
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Video |
| May 13, 2018 | /lit/
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2018 4chan Spring Babby Cup - Group G
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3-7 L | Monsieur Lindy 6' Charles II 12'Bomber Harris 35'
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Video |
| May 20, 2018 |  /b/
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2018 4chan Spring Babby Cup - Group G
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2-4 L | >Holy>Roman>Empire 42', 64'
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Video |
| October 12, 2018 |  /a/
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2018 Autumn Babby Cup Qualifiers - Group C
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1-0 W | Bismarck 85'
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Video |
| October 13, 2018 |  /i/
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2018 Autumn Babby Cup Qualifiers - Group C
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1-0 W | Charles II 72'
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Video |
| October 14, 2018 |  /w/
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2018 Autumn Babby Cup Qualifiers - Group C
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0-3 D | Video | |
| October 26, 2018 | /u/
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2018 Autumn Babby Cup - Group D
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1-2 L | 23' >Holy>Roman>Empire
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Video |
| October 28, 2018 | /cm/
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2018 Autumn Babby Cup - Group D
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2-1 W | 27' >Holy>Roman>Empire 45+1' Bismarck
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Video |
| November 3, 2018 |  /gif/
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2018 Autumn Babby Cup - Group D
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0-0 D | Video | |
| November 10, 2018 |  /3/
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2018 Autumn Babby Cup - Knockouts
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1-0 W | 33' >Holy>Roman>Empire
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Video |
| November 11, 2018 |  /mu/
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2018 Autumn Babby Cup - Quarter Finals
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3-0 W | 11', 72' >Holy >Roman >Empire 53' Bismarck
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Video |
| November 11, 2018 | /vp/
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2018 Autumn Babby Cup - Semi Finals
|
3-1 W | 29', 33' >Holy >Roman >Empire 40' I Rabbu Rirrie-Chan
|
Video |
| November 11, 2018 |  /pol/
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2018 Autumn Babby Cup - Finals
|
0-2 L | Video | |
| February 16, 2019 |  /k/
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2019 4chan Winter Cup - Group G
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3-1 W | 23', 56' Bomber Harris 36' Monsieur Lindy
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Video |
| February 22, 2019 |  /tv/
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2019 4chan Winter Cup - Group G
|
3-2 W | Bomber Harris 30', 36' Charles II 77'
|
Video |
| February 24, 2019 | /b/
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2019 4chan Winter Cup - Group G
|
5-1 W | 17', 34', 59' Charles II 48' Bomber Harris 65' Mongolian Horse Archer
|
Video |
| March 2, 2019 |  /vg/
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2019 4chan Winter Cup - Knockouts
|
1-2 L | Bismarck 74'
|
Video |
Unofficial Matches
| Date | Opponent | Competition | Result | Scorers | Video |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| January 30, 2016 |  /trash/
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2016 Winter Cup Unfriendlies | 2-3 L | Rasputin's Dick 21' Bismarck 43'
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| January 7, 2017 | /vg/
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2017 4chan Winter Cup Friendlies | 1-3 L | Bismarck 30'
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| May 6, 2017 |  /block/
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Invite challenge | 4-5 L | ||
| January 19, 2018 | /pol/
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2018 4chan Winter Cup Friendlies | 1-3 L | 88' Bismarck
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| January 20, 2018 | /vg/
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2018 4chan Winter Cup Friendlies | 2-5 L | Charles II 54', 63'
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| May 20, 2018 |  /trash/
|
Wooden Spoon Match | 13-1 W | 2', 17', 20', 23' >Holy>Roman>Empire 12', 27', 31', 34' Mongolian Horse Archer 15' Julius Caesar 63', 71' Napoleon 79', 90+1' Maoist Worst Nightmare
|
Video |
Team Statistics
Italics denote retired players
Goalscorers
| Player | Goals | Assists |
|---|---|---|
| >Holy>Roman>Empire | 39 | 19 |
| Bismarck | 15 | 11 |
| Napoleon | 4 | 7 |
| Charles II | 8 | 5 |
| Vlad the Implier | 2 | 4 |
| Mongolian Horse Archer | 1 | 3 |
| Bomber Harris | 9 | 3 |
| Monsieur Lindy | 2 | 1 |
| More Wives, Your Grace? | 0 | 1 |
| Lutheran Shitposter | 0 | 1 |
| Charlemagne | 0 | 1 |
| Shitposting Cossack | 1 | 0 |
| Anarco-Memeism | 1 | 0 |
| Empire for Sale | 0 | 1 |
| >Marxism | 0 | 1 |
| Eternal Anglo | 0 | 1 |
| Carl von Clausewitz | 0 | 1 |
Goalkeepers
| Player | Starts | Saves | Clean Sheets |
|---|---|---|---|
| Battle of the Isonzo | 7 | 10 | 2 |
| TAFT | 2 | 4 | 0 |
| Maginot Line | 4 | 19 | 1 |
| Great Wall of China | 7 | 20 | 0 |
| Julius Caesar | 3 | 5 | 0 |
| Christian Dark Ages | 10 | 23 | 3 |
Records
| Holder | Date | Record | Match |
|---|---|---|---|
| >Holy>Roman>Empire | May 6, 2016 | Fastest brace, scoring in 44' and 45' (1 minute). | /his/  5 - 6 /lit/
|
| >Holy>Roman>Empire | May 6, 2016 | Fastest hattrick, scoring in 44', 45', and 49' (5 minutes). | /his/ 5 - 6 /lit/
|
| >Holy>Roman>Empire | May 6, 2016 | Fastest double brace, scoring in 44', 45', 49', and 54' (10 minutes). | /his/ 5 - 6 /lit/
|
| /his/
|
July 28, 2017 | Most free kicks awarded to a single team with 10. | /s4s/ 2 - 3 /his/
|
| /his/
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May 21, 2018 | Most goals allowed by a team within a single tournament with 19. | /b/ 4 - 2 /his/
|
| /his/ (Tied)
|
May 21, 2018 | Lowest GD in a group stage with -11. | /b/ 4 - 2 /his/
|
| >Holy>Roman>Empire | February 24, 2019 | Most assists by a single player in a game, at 5. | /b/ 1 - 5 /his/
|
Former records
| Holder | Date set | Record | Match | Date beaten |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| >Holy>Roman>Empire | May 6, 2016 | Most goals scored in a single match by a single player with 5. | /his/ 5 - 6 /lit/
|
August 6, 2016 |
| /his/
|
May 6, 2016 | Most goals scored in a single match for the losing team with 5. | /his/ 5 - 6 /lit/
|
February 15, 2019 |
Rivalries
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| The Spooker Bowl
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| 0-0-2 |
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| The Edgelord Derby It could hardly be avoided - people were tired of /pol/ shitposting. It was impossible to have meaningful conversation on anything remotely related to the last three centuries of history without Bob McDuff of Alabama injecting his fetid political ideology into matters long done-and-dusted. Based Hiro heard our call and created /his/, where in a (mostly) civil matter, anons discuss history and the humanities as they are studied. Mercifully, /pol/ are now contained in their conspiratard safe space, free to jerk off to framed infographics long-debunked and portraits of Stalin, Donald Trump and other wingnuts. When these edgelords take the field against us, they must be reminded of the singular indisputable lesson of /his/tory: Those who fail to learn from it, are doomed to repeat it. |
| 0-0-1 |
|
| The Siege of Lesbos A rivalry forged in the fires of 4cc competition, rather than from actual board relations. Still, ever since the two teams met for the first time, they were seemingly inseparable. From the first ever Elite run for /his/ being cut short by the Y/u/ris, to being relegated by them in the very next cup, it seemed the two might just have a bone to pick. But when the defending lesbian champions spooned their Summer 18 run, only to be drawn against the current babby spoon holder in /his/ for their very first game, people started suspecting that (((some))) unusual forces might be at play here, especially since every time the two boards met, one of them would end up in the final of the same cup. We also just can't fucking beat them. |
| 0-0-3 |
Honors
Team
2018 4chan Autumn Babby Cup: Runner-up
2018 4chan Autumn Babby Cup: Most improved team
2018 4chan Spring Babby Cup: Biggest spaghetti moment
2018 4chan Spring Babby Cup: Match of the tournament
2016 4chan Spring Babby Cup: Match of the tournament
2016 4chan Spring Babby Cup: At least you tried
Individual
2018 4chan Autumn Babby Cup: Best Player Comeback (>Holy >Roman >Empire)
Team photos
Summer 2017 squad
Spring 2018 squad
Autumn 2018 squad
Winter 2019 squad
Gallery
- "Alright, consider me convinced. /his/ is actually a good team."
- — DrBorisG, 2016 Spring Qualifiers
- — DrBorisG, 2016 Spring Qualifiers
- "Always a /his/ fan"
- — PAVAL, 2018 Spring
- — PAVAL, 2018 Spring
El capitán dribbling up the pitch
(Former)L'capitan dribbling up the pitch
Born to feel
>Propoganda following the /his/ vs. /lit/ match - Spring 2016
Julius Caesar contemplating his life choices - Autumn 2016
Anarco-Memeism scores during the /n/ match - Spring 2017
Napoleon gets bumped by a lesbian sweet - Summer 2017
>Wiki page about the 2018 Spring campaign.
Stalin Purging /his/ out of the knockouts - Winter 2019
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