/lit/ Roster

This is the roster of players for /lit/. For the /lit/ reserve team, see /lit/ BC. For a complete roster history, see /lit/ Roster history. Note that statistics are incomplete due to a lack of archived data.

Sub

Starter

Bronze

Silver

Gold

Starting lineup
Pos.	Picture	No.	Name	Description	Recommended reading
GK		1	The Entire Western Canon	Here to save the last remnants of good taste and theology from the festering attacks of the other plebian boards. The Entire Western Canon is the foundation of all of /lit/, and perhaps everything that exists. I can't believe you're browsing a 4cc page when you could be reading The Entire Western Canon.
CB		70	Huge Orson Welles	Inspired by his favorite novel, 1985, Huge Orson Welles takes a totalitarian approach to defending.
CB		89	Tolstoyevsky's War and Punishment	Here to represent the slavic branch of /lit/. Have you read War and Punishment? If not, consider yourself filtered. /lit/'s intelligentsia will only respect you if you have read War and Punishment in Russian btw.
RB		71	Behold, a Book!	Put it on your shelves as decoration~! What? You mean people read these things instead of using an e-reader? Oh God...
LB		6	Nael's the Tiger	Look upon the tiger, He has destroyed his cage, So simple and so brilliant, Not limited by age, So marvel, Nael did well. At just 6 years old, They invigorate the masses, A fable, allegory, A tale of aspiration, Spark igniting, The previous generation. Yes. Yes! The Tiger is out.
DMF		66	The Judge	His feet are light and nimble. He never sleeps. He says that he will never die. He dances in light and in shadow and he is a great favorite. He never sleeps, the judge. He is dancing, dancing. He says that he will never die. Scouted for /lit/ by Wendigoon.
CMF		16	my diary desu	Sadness, loneliness, despair and cataclysmic rigging. A virginial tale as old as time. Full of failed tactics and rejected prose, brimming with poems for muses who never even knew of my existence. You can read about this and more in my diary desu.
CMF		00	A.M. Pinecone	Ambrose Merriweather Pinecone, who goes by the name Thomas Pynchon in an attempt to hide his true identity, is a mysterious figure. Not much is known about him, except that he'll more than likely be dead soon. Also, he once made an appearance on The Simpsons, something lost on the pleb masses. This reclusive enforcer is prepared to /lit/ to the top, and his secrecy means he always has a trick or two up his sleeves.
AMF		17	Lolita Wanted It	Lolita is a notorious slut who uses her feminine wiles to sneak around even the most seasoned defender.
SS		15	Start With the Greeks	One cannot be expected to understand this game we play without first starting with the Greeks, studying their works, looking for significance within. To follow up starting with the Greeks, one should always seek to do something rather post-modern, like killing yourself in a gruesome fashion right after helping a wandering striker scoring a goal.
CF		49	DFW	David Faggot Walrus, author of Infinite Jets, is a highly divisive player in the /lit/ locker-room. It's hotly debated whether he is the greatest or the worst player of our generation.

Substitutes
Pos.	Picture	No.	Name	Description	Recommended reading
GK		21	F. Gardner	Have you guys read Call of the Crocodile by imminent auteur F. Gardner? I've heard it's pretty good, some have called it a spiritual sequel to Dante's Inferno, perhaps only rivaled by F. Gardner's other masterpieces like Call of the Arcade, Limbo's Rainbow, or Call of the American Airlines. F.Gardner's literary skills are only matched by his endowment as a goalkeeper, of course. Guys. Please read my book.
CB		45	Yuki-kun ^~^	The strongest and most handsome author of all time. Yuki is prepared to overthrow any attack from the opposition, and will not accept the dishonor of defeat.
CB		55	Knee-chee	Here to become a true Ubermensch of riggin'. God may be dead, but Will to Power has had difficulties overcoming the slave morality of RNGesus.
CB		28	Muh Spooks	This veteran of the /lit/ squad does not step shyly back from a challenge, but looks upon the ball you control as his own. Possession, passing—these are merely spooks you cling to.
CMF		61	Hemmmingway	The Papa is back from retirement, and he brought an extra M. Opposing teams will die like dogs for no good reason.
RB		58	Arse Full of Farts	"At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside." A disgusting player that confuses and repels the opposing team with his constant perverted taunts.
RB		65	Paradife Loft	Laurence Carr's Paradise Loft is a collection of poems that explores time. Paradise Loft is a collection that explores time. Countless writers have shown how time affects the characters within their narra- tives: Proust, perhaps at the centerpiece, with In Search of Lost Time, Virginia Woolf with The Waves and Orlando, and the over- looked but intriguing Lord Dunsany fantasy-romance, The King Who is John Milton? Never heard of him.
LB		25	Michelle Welbeck	"The absence of the will to score is, alas, not sufficient to make one want to get sacked" - Michelle Wellbeck
DMF		74	This Was Once Revealed to Me in a Dream	"The divine is understood either in terms of social images--master, tsar, father, or in terms of dynamic images--power, life, light, spirit, truth, fire. Only the second interpretation is worthy of God and worthy of man. Here too there ought still to happen an immense change in the knowledge of God, a change which will be an emancipating change. Man does not easily awaken from his ancient nightmares in which the ego has tyrannized over both himself and God; and hence the crucifixion of God." Source: This Was Once Revealed to Me in a Dream.
DMF		32	Lovecraft's Cat	One unknown condition of /lit/'s slight upturn in fortune from Winter 2014 friendlies was that Eldritch Horrors would only ever be a transient player. In time, it was said, a symbiotic metamorphosis would merge Eldritch Horrors and H.P. Lovecraft together to form a truly Cyclopean player. Finally Lovecraft has awoken, and looks to build on the success of the Old or Ancient Ones; the ones that had came before. He also has a cat. Go ahead and ask his name.
AMF		98	Anime picture book	The logical thesis of the dialectic between literature and anime, choose your own adventure books have evolved into pixelated nymphets that filter the plebeians of /lit/. True patricians may only be sustained by the consolation of philosophy, a lonely window into the visage of their ethereal waifu. When their posts aren't deleted by the janitors, the austere scholars in the /lit/erature club debate if Anime picture book belongs in the team at all. No other board will take her, yet her popularity cannot be denied. She is always ready to enter as an eager substitute, when gods are wrathful and literature is decadent, to prove the world that she belongs in the echelons of the ennobling arts. Be sure to get the version with the hentai patch.
CMF		39	Bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonner	"gharagh": Hindi गरज (garaj) "kamminar": Japanese 雷かみなり (kaminari) "bronnto": Ancient Greek or Greek βροντάω (vrontáo) "tonnerr": French tonnerre "tuonn": Italian tuono "thunn": Old Romanian tun (but words from various other Germanic or Romance languages could fit here too) "trova": Portuguese trovão "awnska": Swedish åska "toohoohoordenen": Danish tordenen "thurnuk": Irish toirneach "bababadal": Babel "gharaghta": Hindi गड़गड़ाहट (gaṛagṛāhaṭ) "skawn": Irish scán (“crack”) (?)

Manager
Picture	Name	Description	Recommended reading
	Homer	Not content with being the example for all to follow in literature and football, Homer turns his mind now to management, where he hopes he can write /lit/ a new epic and bring a new golden age of culture. Virgil is rumoured to be watching his career with awe.
	Calliope	The muse to Homer's new epic, Calliope hopes to inspire /lit/ to sing a glorious song of the man of many footnotes. Signed by Homer to bring harmony and eloquence to the /lit/ dressing room.

Former players
Pos.	Picture	Name	Description	Active period
LB		Albert Camus	Savagely gunned down whilst vacationing in a former African colony.	Spring 12– Winter 24
GK		Exit Level	Has arrived to help provide a permanent solution to /lit/'s temporary and depressing lack of wins. Expelled out of the team for filtering everyone in /lit/'s locker room.	Autumn 12– Spring 17
CMF		Tao Lin	Will relentlessly harass opposing midfielders until they give up the ball. Mildly delirious from lack of sleep. By the way, have you checked out Taipei? It's supposed to be very good. Retired from soccer after recurring issues with his Twitter addiction.	Autumn 12– Spring 17
RB		Itchy Kant	Kant brings his philosophies with him on the field to help him become the greatest Full Back who ever did grace the game. It is categorically imperative that he wins matches, and to achieve this he will stop the opposition's left wing from gaining the advantage and—when he sees the opportunity—he will transcend his role as a defender to assist the offence on the wing. One day, however, he realized that engaging in plebian /lit/ culture was unscrupulous against his categorical imperative.	Summer 13– Summer 16
LB		Katie Loved Books	Katie is a sweet, caring person who has a real love of classic novels. Or rather, she used to. After a shock run-in with /lit/'s general population, Katie's youthful enthusiasm was quickly burned to ash. All that remains of this once-cute Booktuber is a mad football fiend, still bearing her virginal visage. Or rather, she used to. After repeated encounters with /lit/'s deviant libido-and following Lolita's advice-Katie resigned herself to become a nude model for lonely artists. Nothing of her once white soul remains but a jaundiced wasteland.	Winter 15– Summer 17
DMF		Mouldy Dique	The Whale is a large and imposing character, who likes to play deep in green sea of the football pitch. He will be looking to give both defenders and attackers the dick with his physical strength and scheming ways. Retired from the team to oversee /lit/'s Annotated Moby Dick.	Summer 13– Winter 15
CMF		Ayn Rand	A former star of the /lit/ team, Rand was dropped to the reserves for being just too greedy, hogging the ball and never providing for anyone but herself. However she is the one author /lit/ just can't seem to shake, and is arguably more divisive than David Foster Wallace himself. To some an inspiration, to others a hideous creature, Rand is determined to make up for lost time.	Spring 12– Winter 18
RB		Why I'm The Best	A player destined for greatness, he knows that, one day, he will be in the upper echelons of the footballing world, and anyone who says otherwise is a philistine. Retired to focus on his literary career, where he knows that, one day, he will finally get published.	Autumn 12– Winter 15
LB		Smirked Quite Jewishly	Having lost his tenure after being destroyed in a debate by a brave student, this AIDS ridden sadomasochist interested in fisting has decided to pull himself up by his bootstraps and start playing football. Retired from the team to avoid drama after his Algerian sex scandal.	Autumn 14– Summer 17
LB		The Woolf	Formerly "Womyn Author", this player was tired of being objectified and recognizable only by her gender. Now The Woolf is back and ready to win some games. "A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction", but she must also have dedication if she is to stay in this /lit/ team for long. Retired to a room of her own, near a river, to write fiction.	Autumn 14– Spring 16
CMF		Niggardly Jew	"Niggardly means someone who is stingy with money—like a Jew!" A representation of the creative and artistic mastery of the /lit/ team, Niggardly Jew provides a harrowing cautionary tale for the opposing defense. Sued /lit/ for antisemitism.	Spring 14– Summer 17 and Autumn 22– Winter 24
DMF		Pure Ideology	[Sniffling intensifies] [And so on, and so on]. Died from cancer after his debate with Jordan Peterson.	Autumn 13– Spring 22
GK		Queer Theory	Everything is gay. Or, at least, everything can be gay. That is the initial "go to" of the fledgling literature student, the "Queer Theory". Be it the fragrant homosexuality of Dorian Gray, or the subtleties of the Great Gatsby, everything is gay. He will make even the most hardened homophobic attacker weak at the knees with his confusing nature and spurious accusations of faggotry. Died from AIDS.	Summer 13– Spring 16
GK		No Discernible Talent	This /lit/ veteran has been shifted into the role of goalkeeper, in the hope that his harsh and accurate criticism will be better directed towards the enemy offense. Sadly, he showed no discernible talent as a goalkeeper or as a defender.	Spring 12– Winter 24
GK		Anonymous	Ever changeable and unreliable, Anonymous was kicked from the roster early on.	Winter 12– Summer 12
RWF		Atlas Shrugged	Briefly brought into the /lit/ stable after Ayn Rand retired, to appease the many objectivist /lit/ fans.	Summer 12– Summer 13
CB		Baby Shoes Never Worn	Like most pieces of flash fiction, this player's career was cut short before any real development could occur.	Winter 12– Summer 12
LWF		Bookface	The old king of /lit/ abdicated his position on the pitch in order to better channel his efforts at fading into obscurity.	Winter 12– Summer 12
AMF		Capsguy	CURRENTLY PLAYING: NOT FOOTBALL	Winter 12– Summer 12
RMF		Deep&Edgy	Part of the original /lit/ roster, Deep&Edgy was a storied player who performed many roles on the pitch. He served intermittently as a forward, a wing, a midfielder, even reaching bronze status at one point. His career was tragically and prematurely ended when /lit/'s management sacrificed him to the Elder Gods to lure Eldritch Horrors onto their roster.	Winter 12– Autumn 13
CB		Dead Author	Briefly resurrected to help boster the /lit/ defense. Vanished in a puff of smoke when it was made clear that even the notion of the author being a social construct is in itself a social construct. Two can play this game, Foucault.	Summer 12– Summer 13
CF		Diogenes	Ancient philosopher and professional cunt. Left the team to focus his efforts on homelessness, but after a few years joined the newly-founded /his/ squad.	Summer 12– Summer 13
RMF		Eldritch Horrors	/lit/'s darkest hour called for drastic measures. An ancient scroll covered in incomprehensible symbols was retrieved from the deepest corners of the British Museum. Defying reason, the symbols turned out to be readable. A foul summoning took place on that day, in a ritual that involved the human sacrifice of former player Deep&Edgy. A rift to the Outer Planes was opened, and out slithered Eldritch Horrors. Playing a part in /lit/'s first two wins in nearly a year, Eldritch Horrors ensured that the opposition were truly spooked, before manifesting into something more horrible; a gaunt Gothic fiction author.	Autumn 13-Summer 14
GK		English as Third Language	Quite possibly the only player less intelligible than fellow goal keeper Finnegans Wake. Dropped after a single appearance.	Summer 12– Summer 13
DMF		Entry Level	One of /lit/'s original bronze players. Was dropped after many years of service after being found a tad too basic for the patrician /lit/ squad.	Winter 12– Autumn 13
GK		Finnegans Wake	"I done me best when I was let. Thinking always if I go all goes. A hundred cares, a tithe of troubles and is there one who understands me? One in a thousand of years of the nights? All me life I have been lived among them but now they are becoming lothed to me. And I am lothing their little warm tricks. And lothing their mean cosy turns. And all the greedy gushes out through their small souls. And all the lazy leaks down over their brash bodies. How small it's all! And me letting on to meself always. And lilting on all the time."	Summer 12– Autumn 13
DMF		GURRM	Lost his life overdosing on cheetos and pleb tears. Rest in peace, bulbous prince.	Autumn 13– Autumn 14
CB		Heraclitus	"πάντα ρεῖ καὶ οὐδὲν μένει." And so it was, even for this veteran center back.	Summer 13– Spring 14
CMF		HAERY POTAH	He was the horcrux all along. Or something. People above the age of 12 read this crap?	Winter 12– Summer 12
CMF		Hodor	Hodor hod— fucking hell, I'm not doing this.	Winter 12– Summer 12
LB		I Told You About States	A long-term presence on /lit/'s left wing, this player was forced into retirement after repeated attempts at undermining the team's traditional power structures.	Summer 12– Autumn 13
GK		Kitzo Hekotormos	The author of the masterpiece Quietude and Diffidence, Hekotormos retired from the team to focus on his career as the most patrician novelist in existence.	Winter 12– Summer 12
LB		Laurie Penny	Left the team after months of underwhelming performance. Replaced by an old, white man, much to her chagrin. Her angry rant article can be found here.	Autumn 13– Spring 14
CMF		MC Homerotic	Setting an example for all too follow, Homer wrote many a tale on the pitch. An inauspicious start, he could only watch on in despair as /lit/ hit their lowest point, as Andromache could only watch on as Astyanax was brutally murdered. However, he also saw /lit/'s return to prominence, as glorious as Odysseus returning to beautiful Ithaca. Though at the age of 2,865, Homer decided he had played his last. He had aided /lit/ as much as his old legs would allow him, and urged them to always start with the Greeks. Retired to pass on his teachings as a manager.	Summer 13– Winter 15
CMF		Nobby Hegel	An influential figure among the /lit/ dressing room, even now into his retirement. It is said that any new /lit/ player may be "doomed to find Hegel waiting patiently at the end of whatever road they travel".	Summer 13– Spring 14
CB		>self publishing	A controversial addition to the /lit/ side, >self publishing was never able to disprove rumors that he bought his way onto the team. He was promptly sacked after the 2014 Spring Babby Cup, having been weighed and found devoid of talent.	Autumn 13– Summer 14
CB		>this plebeian	>this plebeian, a manifestation of /lit/'s scorn, made only a single appearance on the pitch. He was sent into retirement in favor of fresh face >self publishing, who represents perhaps the only thing /lit/ dislikes more than those goddamn plebs. Notable for being the only /lit/ representative on an all-star team, which is doubly impressive when you consider that in the 2013 Spring Babby Cup, >this plebeian hadn't yet existed, much less played a game.	Summer 13– Autumn 13
RB		Writer's Block	Engineered a convenient excuse and left the /lit/ stable.	Summer 12– Summer 13