/his/ roster

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See also: /his/ roster history

Main Roster

Starters

Position	No.	Name	Image	Description
GK	27	TAFT		>Turned the spending deficit from $50 million to a net surplus of $19 million >Increased US dollar value in both imports and exports >Established the Department of labour >busted nearly twice as many trusts as Teddy >put more environmental land under federal protection than Teddy >Lowered tariffs >All under constitutional limits >All in a single term, and after presidency >Passed the judicial act of 1925 >Main lobbyist for the Supreme Court to have its own independent headquarters, leading to the construction of the United States Supreme Court building FUCK WITH THE TAFT? GET READY FOR THE SHAFT
LB	1	Tiktaalik		What compelled that fish to walk on land? Why did he do it? It's a question asked by many of this magnificent creature. The truth, however, is insignificant. Tiktaalik was the birth of EVROPA, after all, due to being the forefather of the extraordinary I1 haplogroup (please remember this). He needs no petty reasons to do as he wishes - he is, indeed, walking here. AYY, I'M WALKIN' HERE!
CB	17	Finno-Korean Hyper war		A conflict forgotten by time, but not by the /his/torians. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, this war has shaped the landscape of the world as we know it today. Without it, Koreans wouldn't have to resolve to e-"""sports""" in order to feel important, and Finnish would still have the ability to socialize.
CB	15	The Russian Baltic Fleet		>Russo-Japanese War >Pacific Fleet gets bottled up in Vladivostok, Russian land forces getting BTFO >Admiralty decides to send the Baltic Fleet to the Pacific to save the day >six battleships, most modern warships Russia has >the battleship Oryol sinks in the harbor before they even leave >finally make it out into the North Sea behind schedule in autumn 1904 >Britain is Japan's ally, not at war but suspected of aiding the Japanese because you can't trust merchants >midnight on the North Sea, Dogger Bank - off the East Coast of England >suddenly, the supply freighter Kamchatka signals that she is under attack by torpedo boats >entire fleet comes about and steams straight in to save their comrade, guns blazing >the cruisers Aurora and Dmitri Donskoy are misidentified as Japanese and hit repeatedly by friendly fire, killing a sailor and a ship's chaplain >numerous cruisers report being hit by torpedoes, begin emergency maneuvers >the battleship Borodino reports being boarded by Japanese forces, crew attempt to abandon ship >20 minutes of panicked firing later, someone signals to cease fire >searchlights illuminate a tiny cluster of unarmed, severely distressed British fishing trawlers, one slowly sinking >three Englishmen dead, oops lol >Russian fleet decides to just keep sailing and pretend nothing happened >next morning, trawlers limp home, the Royal Navy absolutely flips their shit and raises steam on the entire Channel Fleet >suddenly the Russians find their six battleship fleet being pursued by TWENTY-EIGHT battleships >surrounded and forced to park off Spain until St. Petersburg finally apologizes and gives Britain enough money not to sink their entire navy as revenge "If you're counting, you'll have noticed that the Russians only managed a 2:3 kill ratio against unarmed fisherman. The Oryol fired 500 shells and hit nothing. This is the fleet they expected to save Vladivostok from the Japanese."
RB	16	Pregnant Anne Frank		>ywn time travel back to 1942 >ywn rescue Anne Frank and continue back to the time of US Civil War >she will never join the Confederacy and inspire them to victory >ywn run a train on her with the Lousiana Tigers >nine-month pregnant Anne Frank, Dame of the victorious Confederacy, will never shoot Baby Hitler in the head
CMF	999	Mongolian Horse Archer		He will fuck your shit up faster than you can say HMMMMMMMEeEeEEUUUUuUUUeeEEEEuuUuUIIIiiIiIEEEeeOiOiOiOiEeeeeeEeeeooh
CMF	6	More Wives, Your Grace?		What to do when your wife is an ugly wench whose mother was a whore with a fat arse? Simple, get a divorce. And when the Pope refuses to grant you one? Leave the catholic church, found a new religion and declare yourself the head of it, forcing an entire nation to follow you. Then grant the divorce yourself. It might be a bit easier if you're a king of some kind.
CMF	2	Gaius & Aulus		"We two dear men, friends forever, were here. If you want to know our names, they are Gaius and Aulus."
AMF	45	Bomber Harris/ Bombs Away Lemay		"The Nazis entered this war under the rather childish delusion that they were going to bomb everyone else, and nobody was going to bomb them. At Rotterdam, London, Warsaw, and half a hundred other places, they put their rather naive theory into operation. They sowed the wind, and now they are going to reap the whirlwind." DO IT AGAIN, BOMBER HARRIS, AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN That's a nice wooden city you have there, Tojo. It would be a shame if something were to happen to it.
SS	21	Charles II of Spain		>UNGHGHNGNUNGHGHGN What did he mean by this?
CF	11	>Holy >Roman >Empire		"This agglomeration which was called and which still calls itself the Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire." Voltaire's favorite punching bag.

Substitutes

Position	No.	Name	Image	Description
GK	13	___ Battle of the Isonzo		Its over Luigi, I have the high ground. For the twelfth time.
LB	66	Maoist's Worst Nightmare		>When you run a communist dictatorship but your understanding of ecology is fucking zip so you order three million peasants and students to start killing sparrows for stealing your grain but then the bugs the sparrows like to eat swarm and decimate your crops and a portion of the remaining harvest goes bad because people are too busy throwing rocks at sparrows to collect it amplifying the famine that kills millions but it's okay because they were probably counter-revolutionaries anyway
LB	6	Diogenes		The most 4chan philosopher ever. Spent his nights sleeping in a cave, and his days yelling at strangers, fapping in public, and telling Alexander the Great to 'gtfo my sunlight, normalfag'.
RB	14	Muh Haplogroups		In science, a haplogroup is a genetic marker present in people who share a common ancestor. In /his/tory, a haplogroup is >R1B ONLY, FINNS ARE MONGOLS, E1B1B AND J2 ARE MY BROTHERS, R1A ARE ALSO ARYAN TOO. Haplogroup threads are, unsurprisingly, utilised by /pol/tards, idiots, and other would-be pseudoscientists to indicate that some groups of people are whiter then others. This is despite the fact that the largest haplogroup in western Europe is also found in central Africa; and the largest haplogroup in eastern Europe is strongly present in India and Iran. Notably, nobody disagrees about the Finnish-Mongol relation, though, fug :DDDD
RB	14	>&Humanities		>thinly veiled 'is x white' thread >"philosophical" discussions that are just an excuse to bitch about politics/r9k bullshit & Humanities was a mistake.
CB	5	Decisive Tang Victory		"...Yin Ziqi had besieged the city for a long time. The food in the city had run out... The dwellers traded their children to eat and cooked bodies of the dead. Fears were spread and worse situations were expected. At this time, Zhang Xun took his concubine out and killed her in front of his soldiers in order to feed them. He said, "You have been working hard at protecting this city for the country wholeheartedly. Your loyalty is uncompromised despite the long-lasting hunger. Since I can't cut out my own flesh to feed you, how can I keep this woman and just ignore the dangerous situation?" All the soldiers cried, and they did not want to eat. Zhang Xun ordered them to eat the flesh. Afterwards, they caught the women in the city. After the women were run out, they turned to old and young males. 20,000 to 30,000 people were eaten."
CB	600	African Paratrooper		[Anonymous, referring to Rwandan action during the Kabarebe Blitz] "...Gen. Kabarebe takes his paratroopers and crosses into the Congo. They then seize commercial airliners and fly them across the continent, where they land in the Congo's primary air force base. Within days, a few hundred men had blocked off an entire nation's access to the sea, captured their airforce, cut off 40% of the electrical power generation by seizing a hydroelectric dam and were about to take the capital." "It's crazy to think that 600 paratroopers nearly controlled the fate of 60 million Congolese."
CB	13	>study history >become ____		>study history >become Lutheran >become upset Boudicca didn't beat the Romans >become pessimistic antinatalist >become anti-revisionist marixst-leninist who thinks Krushchev should've nuked the US >become a pragmatic ethnocentrist >become gay >become radical centrist >become a reactionary monarchist anyone else?
CMF	146	CARTHAGO DELENDA EST		Repeating "CARTHAGO DELENDA EST" at every single senate meeting, every single day might seem a little extreme for your average person reading about it, but let's be honest here - the Carthaginian dog had brutalized Rome and attempted to bring it to its knees before. Do you believe, truly, that if Hannibal had the skill to completely wipe Rome off the face of the earth, he wouldn't take such an opportunity? You and I both know, my dear friends, that they would have vaporized every trace of Rome's existence. But the cowardly elephant fucker could not pull it off. Even when Rome lost 20% (TWENTY PERCENT) OF ITS ENTIRE MALE POPULATION they refused to surrender. H*nnibal, the fat fucking kissass, didn't stand a chance against the Roman fighting spirit. So now, after all that is said and done and "peace" has been achieved, what was Rome supposed to do? Forgive and forget? Let the Phoenician dogs live in peace? I don't think so. Leaving Carthage alive would have been an error worthy of Crassus. Those dogs would be scheming, plotting in the shadows on how they would attempt to destroy Rome. So no, you fucking casual, it was not "over the top" for Cato the Elder to repeat "CARTHAGO DELENDA EST" at every single senate meeting, every single day. It was downright NECESSARY. Never forget the hundreds of thousands of muh brave Romans that fell against the deceitful Phonecians. For everything that is fair and just. For everything that is good in life. For everything that is Roman - I am of the opinion, that Carthage MUST be destroyed.
CMF	64	Burnin’ Sherman		William Tecumseh 'Wood-Smoked Georgian-Style Ribs' Sherman was an American author, businessman, Union general, and pioneer of southern-style slow cooking. He was most noted in life for employing total war strategies, burning Atlanta to the ground like a mad-lad, and BTFO'ing the Confederates so hard that the resulting butthurt was (literally) seared into the cultural consciousness of the entire South for decades to come. Do it again, Uncle Billy. >"We rode out of Atlanta by the Decatur road... reaching the hill, just outside of the old rebel works, we paused to look back upon the scenes of our past battles... Behind us lay Atlanta, smouldering and in ruins, the black smoke rising high in air, and hanging like a pall over the ruined city. Away off in the distance, on the McDonough road, was the rear of Howard's column, the gun-barrels glistening in the sun, the white-topped wagons stretching away to the south; and right before us the Fourteenth Corps, marching steadily and rapidly, with a cheery look and swinging pace, that made light of the thousand miles that lay between us and Richmond. Some band, by accident, struck up the anthem of "John Brown's Body"; the men caught up the strain, and never before or since have I heard the chorus of "Glory, glory, hallelujah!" done with more spirit, or in better harmony of time and place." -- William Tecumseh Sherman, Memoirs of General W.T. Sherman, Chapter 21
CMF	44	Dirlewanger		The untermenschen that should - in all likelihood - have been put on the /pol/ team. However, just as was the case for the man himself, desperate times call for desperate untermenschen degenerates to get drafted. As the war drew to a close, the Nazis (having officially run out of lads) decided to recruit an aging Prussian LARPer with a taste for the cruel. Despite his earlier convictions for illegal arms possession and embezzlement (as well as the rape of a 14-year-old girl), he was clearly 'based and redpilled' enough to be put in charge of a commando team that roasted field hospitals with flamethrowers. He was wounded 12 times and somehow didn't die until he was caught trying to flee the Master Country after the war, whereupon he was prison raped to death. Some folks have all the luck.
CMF	19	Scottish Wikipedia Furry		Amaryllis Gardener is a native of North Carolina (what else?) and self-professed Christian INTP Furry (what else?). Beginning in 2013, he wrote almost the entirety of the Scots Language wikipedia, publishing around 23,000 articles over six years and eventually becoming its head admin. This would have been acceptable were it not for the fact that Amaryllis did not actually speak Scots. One observant /his/ user noticed this. The subsequent revelation made several news reports, including the BBC. >"...Through the efforts of one obsessive who knows absolutely nothing about the topic he seems to dedicate all his spare time to, what could've been a vital resource for a dying language is instead most commonly used as ammunition against it, people deriding it as 'badly spelled English' because that's what the guy writing all these thousands of articles thinks Scots is. 600 years of literary history wiped out by a random teenager. Truly the digital age is a horrific time." --Anonymous

Retired (Executed by Decree of Charles II)

Position	No.	Name	Image	Description
CB	17	Charlememe		Top frank
RB	18	Napoleon		Star of the hit game Attila: Total War.
DMF	31	Vlad the Implier		>implying
RB	16	EVERY MAN A KING		"Communism? Hell no!... The Share our Wealth plan is the only defense this country's got against communism."
CMF	13	tfw too smart for the Republic		He will fuck our shit up.
LWF	12	TRUE Communism has NEVER been tried		>Karl Marx outlined the path to communism. The USSR, PRC, Cuba, DPRK weren't true communism. Put simply Marx imagined a dictatorship of the proletariat phase between a capitalist society and eventual communism. It's feels like Communism doesn't work in reality.
CMF	23	Jeanne d' glorified cheerleader		/his/ favourite waifu
GK	10	The Maginot Line		Was it autism, or was it because they were French? Either way, nobody's fucking getting past this bad boy.
CMF	23	Radical Centrist		A thread asking if Hitler did anything wrong? A post trying to prove how True Communism is a perfect solution for everything, if it was ever tried? Yet another goddamn WW2 thread derailed into /pol/ vs /leftypol/ shitposting? Well, some /his/torians simply begin to grow tired of that nonsense, and begin to take actions. Radical actions, such as hiding shitty threads and not replying to bait.
CB	1	Angry Old Man		Sometimes referred to as Cato, this Roman citzen took his retirement rather badly and would spend afternoons bugging random people on the streets of Rome, angrily shouting something about destroying Carthage, and "fucking Greeks, get out of my republic."
GK	12	Great Wall of China		As the old saying goes; the best defence is a giant fucking wall.
CMF	9	The Black Warrior		"Why didn't the Romans conquer Africa? Did they fear the black warrior?"
CMF	1	GAULED		BIG BARBARIAN DICK INVADES TINY ROMAN HOTTY
CMF	95	Lutheran Shitposter		We have found God in a popeless state.
GK	10	Christian Dark Ages		The goal is a great technological gap which was previously inflicted by the Christian Dark Ages.
CB	17	Ancient Finnish God Emperor		"SACKING OF GYENGNEONG-PAEN BEST DAY OF MY LIFE"
CB	14	#TRENCHFOOT		Cool history teachers - not even once.
CB	15	Muh Crusades		Yea, sure fam we will help you against the muslims fellow Orthodox Christians. >Constantinople pillaged >Orthodox people hate Catholics even more then before
RB	16	Anarco-Memeism		"When you shoot your neighbor's escaped child sex slaves for starving on your lawn."
CMF	23	Empire for Sale		In need of annexing
RB	43	Wehraboo		The Wehraboo, not far from any argument on /his/, states: >The Treaty of Versailles was too harsh! >Life could have been better if the Nazis won! >Hitler killed less than Stalin, so he is less bad! >The UK started it, the Eternal Anglo forced their hand! >Poland started it, the war was one of self-defence! >Communism was a greater threat! >Hitler wanted peace! >The UK committed war crimes which mean the Germans did not! >Tigers were the best tank!
CB	21	Spanish Inquisition		No one expects them.
CMF	21	Shitposting Cossack		"O sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil's kith and kin, secretary to Lucifer himself. What the devil kind of knight are you, that can't slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil excretes, and your army eats. You will not, you son of a bitch, make subjects of Christian sons; we've no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, fuck your mother."
LB	6	>Marxism		We can say that Marxism has lived though out the ages.
DMF	31	Carl von Clausewitz (Glorified Cheerleader)		"A short jump is certainly easier than a long one, but no one wanting to get across a wide ditch would begin by jumping half-way."
CB	15	Muh Legions		Varus you faggot give them back
CB	16	Finnic Jedi Knights		"For over a thousand generations, the Finnic Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old World. Before the dark times, before the Hwan Empire."
AMF	21	Black Hannibal		Carthage dindu nuffin, they wuz good boys.
AMF	24	Eternal Anglo		Very Anglo - just look at those beady eyes
CB	37	Stalin Did Nothing Wrong		It's not Genocide if you do it against your own people.
CB	9	Liberal Professor		It's fine to have an opinion, but remember my opinion is better.
LB	23	John Greene		"Hi there, my name is John Greene, this is Crash Course World History, and today we're going to talk about Alexander the Great, but to do that, we're gonna begin by talking about ideals of masculinity, and heroism, and Kim Kardashian and The Situation." The funny part is that you can't tell if that's a made up quote or not. An open letter to John Green - the man who praised the fucking Mongols for being open and diverse - does your laptop really kill fascists? Or does it kill honest /his/torians who die from critical internal cringe and the power of virtue signalling? Why do you need help from your fourth-grade history teacher to make a web-series? And most importantly, does the presence of Europeans on this team make it racist and imperialist, with the exception of - wait for it - the Mongolian Horse Archer? We look forward to you fucking up our defensive line completely. Best Wishes; /his/.
CMF	13	Ugh, what could've been…		Ugh, what could've been if the Treaty of Versailles dismantled Germany. Ugh, what could've been if McArthur was allowed to nuke the Chinese troops in Korea. Ugh, what could have been if the Sasanian empire hadn't shit its collective pants. From a unified Scandinavian Empire to muh Großgermanisches reich, there isn't a single flash of brilliance by nations throughout history that hasn't had the everloving Christ beaten out of it by the utterance of this phrase. The real question on everyone's lips, though: is /his/ the 4CC champion that 'ugh... could've been'? Will it continue to be that team throughout /his/tory? Only time will tell.
LB	88	Belongs on /sci/		Woah there, buddy! Are you having >fun discussing prehistoric animals? Check out the name of the board again, pal. Where does it say "Biology". That's what I thought. Palaeontology is a field of biology, and thus, a hard science. Where do you think they discuss hard sciences? That's right, on /sci/. No, I don't care if prehistory is technically history. No, I don't care about how biology crosses academic boundaries. I only care about the best species, the humans. Now delete your thread, pack your shit up and go to /sci/.
DMF	2	Monsieur Lindy		A French >youtuber who gives his thoughts on historical events. His popularity on /his/ stemmed from his highly objective and totally unbiased point of view, but has been recently damaged (or improved) by the shocking revelation that, despite LARPing as an Englishman, he is in fact only 54% British; and has been hiding his true baguette ancestry all along.
CB	19	Nutmeg Genocide		Feeling cold this winter? Food bland and uninspired? Consumption kill your wife and three of your seven kids? Well look no further, it's BRAND NEW VOC NUTMEG™! From the far-flung islands of Banda in the Indonesian Archipelago comes Jan Coen's finest contribution to King Willem's morning breakfast. Made with real native Bandanese tears, it's sure to make your problems vanish faster than you can say, 'what Japanese Mercenaries'? Try today!
DMF	5	ALEXIOS, I HAVE COME TO COLLECT		Alexios IV was the butthurt prince-in-exile of Byzantium, deposed by some other bloke. He begged the pope and some crusaders passing by to help him take it back for a small loan of 200,000 silver marks... and to give the Crusade troops... and to swear loyalty to the Pope. It worked! But the glory, however, was short-lived, as like all Greeks, Alexios could not PAY DENBTS. What followed after that was that an extremely annoyed 90-year-old pope and a bunch of angry crusaders.
CB	19	Leopold II of Belgium		What do you do when the government refuses to go colonise the jungle, mostly because it's expensive and fucking stupid? If you're Leopold II of Belgium, you might do what's called a gamer move and finance your own state, taking it as personal property and pulling off the most epic ancap LARP in history - at the mere cost of some 10-15 million Congolese. Let's give him a hand, people.
DMF	71	Bismarck		The greatest German statesman of all time.