/lit/ Roster

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Reason: Last edit: May 2016 (Added on 2024-04-18)

This is the roster of players for /lit/. For the /lit/ reserve team, see /lit/ BC. For a complete roster history, see /lit/ Roster history. Note that statistics are incomplete due to a lack of archived data.

Sub

Starter

Bronze

Silver

Gold

Starting lineup
Pos.	Picture	No.	Name	Description	Recommended reading
GK		1	Exit Level	Has arrived to help provide a permanent solution to /lit/'s temporary and depressing lack of wins.
CB		2	Huge Orson Welles	Inspired by his favorite novel, 1985, Huge Orson Welles takes a totalitarian approach to defending.
CB		3	QT Yuki	The strongest and most handsome author of all time. Yuki is prepared to overthrow any attack from the opposition, and will not accept the dishonor of defeat.
RB		4	Itchy Kant	Kant brings his philosophies with him on the field to help him become the greatest Full Back who ever did grace the game. It is categorically imperative that he wins matches, and to achieve this he will stop the opposition's left wing from gaining the advantage and—when he sees the opportunity—he will transcend his role as a defender to assist the offence on the wing.
LB		21	Katie Loved Books	Katie is a sweet, caring person who has a real love of classic novels. Or rather, she used to. After a shock run-in with /lit/'s general population, Katie's youthful enthusiasm was quickly burned to ash. All that remains of this once-cute Booktuber is a mad football fiend, still bearing her virginal visage.
DMF		8	Mouldy Dique	The Whale is a large and imposing character, who likes to play deep in green sea of the football pitch. He will be looking to give both defenders and attackers the dick with his physical strength and scheming ways.
CMF		61	Hemmmingway	The Papa is back from retirement, and he brought an extra M. Opposing teams will die like dogs for no good reason.
CMF		16	Niggardly Jew	"Niggardly means someone who is stingy with money—like a Jew!" A representation of the creative and artistic mastery of the /lit/ team, Niggardly Jew provides a harrowing cautionary tale for the opposing defense.
AMF		17	Lolita Wanted It	Lolita is a notorious slut who uses her feminine wiles to sneak around even the most seasoned defender.
SS		15	Start With the Greeks	One cannot be expected to understand this game we play without first starting with the Greeks, studying their works, looking for significance within. To follow up starting with the Greeks, one should always seek to do something rather post-modern, like killing yourself in a gruesome fashion right after helping a wandering striker scoring a goal.
CF		49	DFW	David Faggot Walrus, author of Infinite Jets, is a highly divisive player in the /lit/ locker-room. It's hotly debated whether he is the greatest or the worst player of our generation.

Substitutes
Pos.	Picture	No.	Name	Description	Recommended reading
GK		23	Queer Theory	Everything is gay. Or, at least, everything can be gay. That is the initial "go to" of the fledgling literature student, the "Queer Theory". Be it the fragrant homosexuality of Dorian Gray, or the subtleties of the Great Gatsby, everything is gay. He will make even the most hardened homophobic attacker weak at the knees with his confusing nature and spurious accusations of faggotry.
GK		19	No Discernible Talent	This /lit/ veteran has been shifted into the role of goalkeeper, in the hope that his harsh and accurate criticism will be better directed towards the enemy offense.
CB		12	A.M. Pinecone	Ambrose Merriweather Pinecone, who goes by the name Thomas Pynchon in an attempt to hide his true identity, is a mysterious figure. Not much is known about him, except that he'll more than likely be dead soon. Also, he once made an appearance on The Simpsons, something lost on the pleb masses. This reclusive enforcer is prepared to /lit/ to the top, and his secrecy means he always has a trick or two up his sleeves.
CB		28	Muh Spooks	This veteran of the /lit/ squad does not step shyly back from a challenge, but looks upon the ball you control as his own. Possession, passing—these are merely spooks you cling to.
RB		13	Arse Full of Farts	"At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside." A disgusting player that confuses and repels the opposing team with his constant perverted taunts.
RB		10	Why I'm The Best	A player destined for greatness, he knows that, one day, he will be in the upper echelons of the footballing world, and anyone who says otherwise is a philistine.
LB		22	Smirked Quite Jewishly	Having lost his tenure after being destroyed in a debate by a brave student, this AIDS ridden sadomasochist interested in fisting has decided to pull himself up by his bootstraps and start playing football.
LB		25	The Woolf	Formerly "Womyn Author", this player was tired of being objectified and recognizable only by her gender. Now The Woolf is back and ready to win some games. "A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction", but she must also have dedication if she is to stay in this /lit/ team for long.
DMF		11	Pure Ideology	[Sniffling intensifies] [And so on, and so on].
DMF		32	Lovecraft	One unknown condition of /lit/'s slight upturn in fortune from Winter 2014 friendlies was that Eldritch Horrors would only ever be a transient player. In time, it was said, a symbiotic metamorphosis would merge Eldritch Horrors and H.P. Lovecraft together to form a truly Cyclopean player. Finally Lovecraft has awoken, and looks to build on the success of the Old or Ancient Ones; the ones that had came before.
CMF		7	Ayn Rand	A former star of the /lit/ team, Rand was dropped to the reserves for being just too greedy, hogging the ball and never providing for anyone but herself. However she is the one author /lit/ just can't seem to shake, and is arguably more divisive than David Foster Wallace himself. To some an inspiration, to others a hideous creature, Rand is determined to make up for lost time.
CMF		6	Tao Lin	Will relentlessly harass opposing midfielders until they give up the ball. Mildly delirious from lack of sleep. By the way, have you checked out Taipei? It's supposed to be very good.

Manager
Picture	Name	Description	Recommended reading
	Homer	Not content with being the example for all to follow in literature and football, Homer turns his mind now to management, where he hopes he can write /lit/ a new epic and bring a new golden age of culture. Virgil is rumoured to be watching his career with awe.
	Calliope	The muse to Homer's new epic, Calliope hopes to inspire /lit/ to sing a glorious song of the man of many footnotes. Signed by Homer to bring harmony and eloquence to the /lit/ dressing room.

Former players
Pos.	Picture	Name	Description	Active period
LB		Albert Camus	Savagely gunned down whilst vacationing in a former African colony.	Winter 12– Summer 12
CMF		Tao Lin	Will relentlessly harass opposing midfielders until they give up the ball. Mildly delirious from lack of sleep. By the way, have you checked out Taipei? It's supposed to be very good. Retired from soccer after recurring issues with his Twitter addiction.
CMF		Ayn Rand	A former star of the /lit/ team, Rand was dropped to the reserves for being just too greedy, hogging the ball and never providing for anyone but herself. However she is the one author /lit/ just can't seem to shake, and is arguably more divisive than David Foster Wallace himself. To some an inspiration, to others a hideous creature, Rand is determined to make up for lost time.
RB		Why I'm The Best	A player destined for greatness, he knows that, one day, he will be in the upper echelons of the footballing world, and anyone who says otherwise is a philistine. Retired to focus on his literary career, where he knows that, one day, he will finally get published.
LB		Smirked Quite Jewishly	Having lost his tenure after being destroyed in a debate by a brave student, this AIDS ridden sadomasochist interested in fisting has decided to pull himself up by his bootstraps and start playing football. Retired from the team to avoid drama after his Algerian sex scandal.
LB		The Woolf	Formerly "Womyn Author", this player was tired of being objectified and recognizable only by her gender. Now The Woolf is back and ready to win some games. "A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction", but she must also have dedication if she is to stay in this /lit/ team for long. Retired to a room of her own, near a river, to write fiction.
DMF		Pure Ideology	[Sniffling intensifies] [And so on, and so on]. Died from cancer after his debate with Jordan Peterson.
GK		Anonymous	Ever changeable and unreliable, Anonymous was kicked from the roster early on.	Winter 12– Summer 12
RWF		Atlas Shrugged	Briefly brought into the /lit/ stable after Ayn Rand retired, to appease the many objectivist /lit/ fans.	Summer 12– Summer 13
CB		Baby Shoes Never Worn	Like most pieces of flash fiction, this player's career was cut short before any real development could occur.	Winter 12– Summer 12
LWF		Bookface	The old king of /lit/ abdicated his position on the pitch in order to better channel his efforts at fading into obscurity.	Winter 12– Summer 12
AMF		Capsguy	CURRENTLY PLAYING: NOT FOOTBALL	Winter 12– Summer 12
RMF		Deep&Edgy	Part of the original /lit/ roster, Deep&Edgy was a storied player who performed many roles on the pitch. He served intermittently as a forward, a wing, a midfielder, even reaching bronze status at one point. His career was tragically and prematurely ended when /lit/'s management sacrificed him to the Elder Gods to lure Eldritch Horrors onto their roster.	Winter 12– Autumn 13
CB		Dead Author	Briefly resurrected to help boster the /lit/ defense. Vanished in a puff of smoke when it was made clear that even the notion of the author being a social construct is in itself a social construct. Two can play this game, Foucault.	Summer 12– Summer 13
CF		Diogenes	Ancient philosopher and professional cunt. Left the team to focus his efforts on homelessness, but after a few years joined the newly-founded /his/ squad.	Summer 12– Summer 13
RMF		Eldritch Horrors	/lit/'s darkest hour called for drastic measures. An ancient scroll covered in incomprehensible symbols was retrieved from the deepest corners of the British Museum. Defying reason, the symbols turned out to be readable. A foul summoning took place on that day, in a ritual that involved the human sacrifice of former player Deep&Edgy. A rift to the Outer Planes was opened, and out slithered Eldritch Horrors. Playing a part in /lit/'s first two wins in nearly a year, Eldritch Horrors ensured that the opposition were truly spooked, before manifesting into something more horrible; a gaunt Gothic fiction author.	Autumn 13-Summer 14
GK		English as Third Language	Quite possibly the only player less intelligible than fellow goal keeper Finnegans Wake. Dropped after a single appearance.	Summer 12– Summer 13
DMF		Entry Level	One of /lit/'s original bronze players. Was dropped after many years of service after being found a tad too basic for the patrician /lit/ squad.	Winter 12– Autumn 13
GK		Finnegans Wake	"I done me best when I was let. Thinking always if I go all goes. A hundred cares, a tithe of troubles and is there one who understands me? One in a thousand of years of the nights? All me life I have been lived among them but now they are becoming lothed to me. And I am lothing their little warm tricks. And lothing their mean cosy turns. And all the greedy gushes out through their small souls. And all the lazy leaks down over their brash bodies. How small it's all! And me letting on to meself always. And lilting on all the time."	Summer 12– Autumn 13
DMF		GURRM	Lost his life overdosing on cheetos and pleb tears. Rest in peace, bulbous prince.	Autumn 13– Autumn 14
CB		Heraclitus	"πάντα ρεῖ καὶ οὐδὲν μένει." And so it was, even for this veteran center back.	Summer 13– Spring 14
CMF		HAERY POTAH	He was the horcrux all along. Or something. People above the age of 12 read this crap?	Winter 12– Summer 12
CMF		Hodor	Hodor hod— fucking hell, I'm not doing this.	Winter 12– Summer 12
LB		I Told You About States	A long-term presence on /lit/'s left wing, this player was forced into retirement after repeated attempts at undermining the team's traditional power structures.	Summer 12– Autumn 13
GK		Kitzo Hekotormos	The author of the masterpiece Quietude and Diffidence, Hekotormos retired from the team to focus on his career as the most patrician novelist in existence.	Winter 12– Summer 12
LB		Laurie Penny	Left the team after months of underwhelming performance. Replaced by an old, white man, much to her chagrin. Her angry rant article can be found here.	Autumn 13– Spring 14
CMF		MC Homerotic	Setting an example for all too follow, Homer wrote many a tale on the pitch. An inauspicious start, he could only watch on in despair as /lit/ hit their lowest point, as Andromache could only watch on as Astyanax was brutally murdered. However, he also saw /lit/'s return to prominence, as glorious as Odysseus returning to beautiful Ithaca. Though at the age of 2,865, Homer decided he had played his last. He had aided /lit/ as much as his old legs would allow him, and urged them to always start with the Greeks. Retired to pass on his teachings as a manager.	Summer 13– Winter 15
RWF		Nietzsche	Sadly passed away from syphilis. Somewhere, God is still laughing.	Winter 12– Summer 12
CMF		Nobby Hegel	An influential figure among the /lit/ dressing room, even now into his retirement. It is said that any new /lit/ player may be "doomed to find Hegel waiting patiently at the end of whatever road they travel".	Summer 13– Spring 14
CB		>self publishing	A controversial addition to the /lit/ side, >self publishing was never able to disprove rumors that he bought his way onto the team. He was promptly sacked after the 2014 Spring Babby Cup, having been weighed and found devoid of talent.	Autumn 13– Summer 14
CB		>this plebeian	>this plebeian, a manifestation of /lit/'s scorn, made only a single appearance on the pitch. He was sent into retirement in favor of fresh face >self publishing, who represents perhaps the only thing /lit/ dislikes more than those goddamn plebs. Notable for being the only /lit/ representative on an all-star team, which is doubly impressive when you consider that in the 2013 Spring Babby Cup, >this plebeian hadn't yet existed, much less played a game.	Summer 13– Autumn 13
RB		Writer's Block	Engineered a convenient excuse and left the /lit/ stable.	Summer 12– Summer 13