/his/ History

Return to the main page

2016 Spring Campaign

Founded in Fall 2015, /his/ had their first official match in the 2016 Spring Fetus against the shitposters of /v/. The /v/irgins struck first as a blue hedgehog flew across the field, but >HRE rallied the /his/torians just before the half to tie the game. Then, in a moment of pure spaghetti, the /int/ manager went too far with his meme tactics and sent /v/ into disarray, which gave >HRE a hat-trick and Bismarck a goal of his own. First match, first hat-trick, first win, 4-1 /his/.

/his/ would also deliver a 4-1 shellacking to /co/, but fall to /toy/ in a disappointing 1-3 loss. In spite of failing to master-race Group B, /his/ would still qualify for the Spring Babby as the second best team in the Fetus.

In the Babby Cup, /his/ first faced /lit/ in Group C, where a floundering defense gave up 5 goals before the half. The resolute >HRE refused to give up, however, and proceeded to go on a scoring rampage of 5 goals in 29 minutes. Two miscues from Bismarck and Mosley denied /his/ an equalizer, but the team had turned a 0-5 game into a 5-6 loss.

Scoring was not as plentiful in the match against /o/, where /his/ would be shutout in a 0-1 loss. Fighting to prevent relegation back to the Fetus, /his/ gave it their all against /cm/ for a 3-2 win, cementing a spot in the Autumn Babby Cup.

2016 Autumn Campaign

/his/ kicked off against Seventh Founding compatriot /p/, with >HRE off to a quick start with a goal in the eighth minute. /p/ would score shortly thereafter, and the teams engaged in an intense back-and-forth before >HRE could find the goal again in the thirty-first minute. Confident they would be going into the half with a 2-1 lead, /his/ was stunned when the referee let /p/ play on past extra time, allowing them to equalize and bring the score to 2-2. The goal killed /his/'s momentum for much of the second half, letting /p/ score two unanswered goals. With substitutions, /his/ attempted a late game rally led by a Napoleon goal, but Julius Caesar, once again unable to hide his autism seen in the high-scoring /his/-/lit/ match, threw a saved ball to /p/'s lead attacker, allowing an easy goal. /his/ would be unable to recover, and scored 2 consolation goals to come away with a 4-5 loss.

In the next match /his/ played against /int/, Spurdo Sparde made a breakaway, outmaneuvering the /his/ defense lines to score at the 7th minute. With /his/torian spirits lowered, the game became bogged down in the midfield, with neither of the teams able to move deeply into attacking opportunities until the break. In the second half, >Holy>Roman>Empire - subject to a berating on the Nature of Man by Crocodile - equalized the score. As the match's end drew near, signs of fatigue began to show among the /int/ players - Remove Kebab recieved a yellow card for shirtfronting someone who asked a question about religious history in the Balkans, and Proofs? scored a cherry-red ticket to the bench for an egregious personal foul on Bismarck, who questioned whether or not the Balkans were (quote verbatim), "Rightful Russian Clay". In the end the game ended in a draw.

"UNGHGHNGNUNGHGHGN" -- King Charles II of Spain, shortly before sentencing Crocodile to the Gulag

The /his/ command has realized that their situation was dire. They needed a win against /wg/ in order to advance or be sent to yet another Fetus. The Divine Emperor of /his/, Charles II of Spain, had taken record of the team's progress, and punishment akin to the Iraqi National Football Team was levelled against the players.

The battle against /wg/ began in solemn earnest two days later. The defense held well until the end of the 1st half on the 44th minute, when Cunt Destroyer jostled defenders offside to plant a mighty goal between the fumbling legs of Julius Caesar. Prospects of winning diminished further when Cunt Destroyer scored again at the 58th, and already sore wounds were made deeper when Jeff Goldblum scored at the 78 minute to seal the deal.

It was over. /his/ ended the Autumn Cup in last place in the group, and would be banished to the 2017 4chan Spring Babby Cup Qualifiers. Crocodile was tried for treason along with Julius Ceaser and sentenced to ten years in the /pol/-bait-thread gulag; only one of them would return.

RIP CROCODILE
"What the fuck was his problem, /his/?"
1889-1945

2017 Spring Campaign

Regaining lost territory
Their first match since being soundly defeated in the Autumn Babby Cup of 2016, /his/ had much to prove against the dastardly gays, /lgbt/. In the first half Bismark showcased his superior Prussian skills by scoring 2 goals at the 21st and 30th minutes. In the second half, the legbutts regained substantial ground, scoring 2 goals. All seemed uncertain until >Holy>Roman>Empire punched through the enemy lines and scored, securing /his/'s first win.

The second match against /wsg/ began in much the same way. In the first half >Holy>Roman>Empire scored a goal early, but after that no advances could be made on the /wsg/ defensive line. In the second half, /his/ held their ground from a series of blazing offensive maneuvers, and in the end the dynamic French duo of >Holy>Roman>Empire and Napoleon took a goal apiece to end the match 3-0, a clean sheet game for /his/.

Morale was running high, and after two successive wins, the team was prepared for the last match against the fa/tg/uys of /tg/. The battle, far from being similar to previous /his/ matches, was absent of any early blitzing scores. /tg/'s defensive line was impervious any kind of attack, and to complicate matters Los Tiburon found and exploited the weakness in /his/ defense, scoring at the 21st minute. The /his/torians pushed hard in the midfield to equalize, but they couldn't break the deadlock until >Holy>Roman>Empire saved /his/ from an unceremonious defeat at the hands of the neckbeards at the 89th minute. The battle ended in a stalemate.

Gaining new ground

Rare archival photo of the match versus /mlp/.

/his/ Command was shocked when they were drawn in to fight against the two time Elite cup winner /mlp/, so preparations were made to hold the onslaught. Hay was distributed among the men, as well as little carrots on sticks with which to tempt the horses. The battle started and the /his/torians appeared to be making good on their defensive preparations - this, in conjunction with a piercing goal by >Holy>Roman>Empire scored at the 12th minute, gave the /his/torians the faintest taste of a dream come true.

The line held throughout the majority of the match, with excellent defensive work from both sides leaving the match scoreless until >Holy>Roman>Empire struck again at the 71st minute. The horsefuckers, headed by >Rape, were able to score once, but it wasn't enough - the battle ended with a score of 2-1. /his/'s legionaries had claimed their most glorious scalp yet.

/his/'s next confrontation was against /sci/, arising from a dispute about whether psychology was a humanity or a science. The beginning of the match was high-octane, with Vlad the >>implier stamping /his/ onto the scoreboard at the 5th minute. He was joined by >Holy>Roman>Empire in the 45th minute, just a fraction into extra time for the half. On the /sci/ side, Sun of Lava/Ice snuck through the defence time and time again, scoring thrice and shattering both Wallachian and French hopes - however, Bismarck struck once at the 74th minute, bringing the scores even, and when both sides thought the match was to end in a stalemate, the chancellor swept out of nowhere in plus time (90th+5' minute) to score an absolute blooter, proving his tactical genius and sealing the match 4-3.

The third battle was against the cyclist lovers of /n/. There was little to report on the matter - the first half gave no results, with several players seen engaging in earnest debate on the role of trains in warfare. In the second half, the play resumed in earnest as both sides remembered they were here to play some motherfucking virtual divegrass, and the /his/torians fought valiantly to break the defense of /n/. Sadly, they were not able to, a matter bought frighteningly forward by I like Trains, who scored a double-header at the 67th and 74th minutes, with a cap by leading centre-forward Bepsi, who scored at the 82nd minute. In a last ditch attempt, /his/ command ordered a Banzai charge. At the forefront of this attack were Bomber Harris and Anarco-Memeism, who both scored once each - but despite several begging requests to DO IT AGAIN, BOMBER HARRIS, there was not enough fuel in the tank and /his/ was defeated 3-2.

In the Round of 16 the /his/torians were drawn to fight /tg/ again. The match, played on /tg/ home soil, smacked of all the fierceness and resolve that only a clash of D&D and old history-book smell could achieve. The score was reflective of that - and neither the /his/torians nor /tg/ were able to break the line of the other. At the 80th minute, /tg/'s utterly fictional and >neither holy nor Roman Emprah sunk one in for the opening goal of the match. Hopes for a penalty shootout were crushed swiftly by Nicol Bolas, who chimed in with a cheeky 90+'er in extra time. The match ended a 0-2 defeat.

The Spring campaign, despite its untimely end, was considered an overall success - its primary objective of securing the /his/torians their position in the 2017 Summer Cup was achieved. It was to be their first Elite tournament.