Up to date as of 2019 Autumn. Remember that good GM knows how to wing descriptions.
Current Roster
| Position
|
Name
|
Portrait
|
Background
|
Playing Style
|
Number
|
|
|
Tankred
|
|
/tg/'s long-running goalie and former Space Marine, Tankred is currently interned in a dreadnought. Even in death, he still serves. Indeed, Tankred's endurance is legendary.
|
He will Endure
|
44
|
|
|
Emprah
|
|
He's not scheduled to rule humanity for another 21,000 years, so Tha Emprah's passing the time with sports. Allegations of him being a Tarrasque are treason. The Emprah protects, ave Imperator.
|
God Emperah of Mankind
|
40
|
|
|
Urbanmech
|
|
"Straight from the Orguss Industries production lines comes the most devastating war machine of the 27th century. Weighing in at 30 tons, wielding mighty autocannon and laser and protected by massive amounts of armour for its weight this colossus leaps across the battlefield on its powerful jump jets."
"Wait, what do you mean we can build 100-tonners that can go faster than 32 km/hr?"
|
Trashcan
|
7
|
|
|
Dunkelzahn
|
|
Businessman, dragon and 7th President of the UCAS, Dunkelzahn has emerged since his apparent assassination to bring his millennia of experience to the divegrass field.
|
Never Trust A Dragon
|
72
|
|
|
Old Man Henderson
|
|
An eccentric old man who won Call of Cthulhu. Has joined the /tg/ team in order to locate some or all of his lost lawn gnomes, or, as he calls them, his "WEE MEN." Having thoroughly searched the goal box for gnomes, he has been moved out to Defense so he can search for gnomes (and balls) there.
|
GIMMI BACK ME WEE MEN!
|
38
|
|
|
Urist McDwarf
|
|
What do you see, Urist McDwarf? Not fields of elephants, nor waves of lava, not even the never-ending infestation of cats. Just the ball.
|
Fortress
|
18
|
|
|
Sir Bearington
|
|
A highly distinguished gentleman looking to participate in a jolly game of football. Some rather uncouth individuals refer to him as a "bear", but these allegations are clearly false.
|
Gentleman of the High Court
|
59
|
|
|
Crazy Hassan
|
|
One of the team's main sponsors. Need a camel? Come on down to Crazy Hassan's! Or else Crazy Hassan will come to you! Free camelskin football with every purchase!
|
Buy 1 get 1 Used!
|
16
|
|
|
RITE OF SHITPOSTING
|
|
The Cult Mechanicus has lent /tg/ one of their mighty Tech Priests, not only to ensure that all gear is up to the Master Crafted standards of the Forge World of Mars and to appease the Machine Spirits, but to try to awaken The Omnissiah. YOUR END IS BROUGH UPON BY THE OMNISSIAH, OUR WRATH HATH COME ONLINE!
|
01000101 01111000 01100011 01100101 01101100 01101100 01100101 01101110 01110100
|
010
|
|
|
Los Magos del Tiempo
|
|
¡Mientras tanto, los MAGOOOOS DEL TIEMPOOOO! ¡A Thursday Afternoon 15-Past-3 o'Clock Time Wizard is here to help /tg/ slap its enemies into submission! (The 10-Past-3 o' Clock Time Wizard got called away for his Unbirthday party)
|
BEHOLD THE WIZARD
|
15
|
|
|
That Guy
|
|
You hate him, I hate him, everyone hates him - but he just keeps on turning up. That Fucking Guy. He didn't even bring snacks for the team.
|
FUCK YOU
|
69
|
|
|
Muscle Wizard
|
|
He casts FOOT. Created as a result of creative rules applications in D&D 3.5, he has very high strength and constitution, which he uses for spellcasting.
|
Party Caster
|
21
|
|
|
Thin Your Paints
|
|
Forget what you've been told, this is the golden rule. Its physical avatar has donned the blue and orange, taking the field for his home club. His face is cursed as a grim reminder of thick paints and the evils they work.
|
Please
|
14
|
|
|
Marcille
|
|
Due to some unfortunate happenings after the last roster shuffle, /tg/ found itself down a player and all we could find was this fucking elf. She's got fat ears, she's whiny, and she eats too much. And she's an elf.
|
Versatile Role in any Party
|
34
|
|
|
Los Tiburon
|
|
"The Shark of the Land", Los Tiburon is a half-orc wrestler that tackles dragons and rivals with unmatched prowess. Watch out for 20s.
|
Our Champion
|
20
|
|
|
Anal Circumference
|
|
Get those d100s out and get ready to roll for Anal Circumference. Just figure out your modifiers first, and remember that babbies are considered "infants" and take a -99 to the roll.
|
F A T A L
|
99
|
|
|
Arms and Armour Thread
|
|
Would you like to take a look at my historically-accurate billhook?
|
Geared Up
|
68
|
|
|
Stat Me
|
|
Size/Type: Large Magical Beast
Hit Dice: 5d10+25 (52 hp)
Initiative: +1
Speed: 30 ft. (6 squares)
Armor Class: 15 (-1 size, +1 Dex, +5 natural), touch 10, flat-footed 14
Base Attack/Grapple: +5/+14
Attack: Claw +9 melee (1d6+5)
Full Attack: 2 claws +9 melee (1d6+5) and bite +4 melee (1d8+2)
Space/Reach: 10 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: Improved grab
Special Qualities: Scent
Saves: Fort +9, Ref +5, Will +2
Abilities: Str 21, Dex 12, Con 21, Int 2, Wis 12, Cha 10
Skills: Listen +8, Spot +8
Feats: Alertness, Track
Environment: Temperate forests
Organization: Solitary, pair, or pack (3-8)
Challenge Rating: 4
Treasure: None
Alignment: Always neutral
Advancement: 6-8 HD (Large); 9-15 HD (Huge)
Level Adjustment: —
|
ManBearOwl
|
4
|
|
|
BOOK OF GROODGES
|
|
With the arrival of an elf somehow wiling it's way onto the team, the High King of the Dwarves, Thorgrim Grudgebearer, has deemed it necissary to bring BOOK to the pitch to ensure that all Grudges are recorded... remembered... and dealt with.
|
WRITTEN IN BLOOD
|
94
|
|
|
Jace
|
|
Jace is back, but he's changed. No longer a brooding, hooded edgelord, he's taken to the piratical life with a renewed enthusiasm and vigor that also carries through to the divegrass pitch. He's ready to sculpt the perfect offense.
|
Yar Har Fiddly Dee
|
64
|
|
|
Swedish Musketeer
|
|
A prime example of just what kind of crazies the human race gives birth to, Swedish Musketeer brings justice and righteousness to bear on the 4chan Cup's fields of rigging.
|
Random Encounter
|
93
|
|
|
Mork or Gork
|
|
Gork is here to bring the unique Orkish brand of brutal cunning to the divegrass pitch. That it to say, Mork is here to bring the unique Orkish brand of cunning brutality to the divegrass pitch, ya grot.
|
GREEN IZ DA ORKY ONE
|
67
|
|
|
Doomrider
|
|
He rides a possessed bike, he does cocaine, and his head's on fire. Daemon Prince of Slaanesh, /tg/'s highly popular attacking player is part of a dynamic duo with Creed. Despite countless investigations on substance abuse charges, DOOMRIDER remains on /tg/'s team.
|
I DO COCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINE!
|
6
|
Former Players
2012 Winter Cup Era
/tg/'s roster underwent very little changes after its first cup competition.
- MEATBREAD
The most fabled dish of /tg/ cuisine, regarded as the Orkiest of all possible meals a fa/tg/uy could consume. It's meat with bread. Cut in an effort to slim down, and to make room for others.
2012 Summer Cup Era
After a difficult run through the 2012 4chan Summer Cup, /tg/ voted to overhaul the roster, cutting several players from the team.
- Transparent Orange Chainsaw
Despite being an apt player, an Administratum investigation revealed that T.O. Chainsaw was included on the /tg/ team in place of Amazo the Wonder Golem as a result of a Classic Blunder. The oversight was corrected, and Transparent Orange Chainsaw was transferred to /toy/ (under the name Orange Transparent Chainsaw).
- Faptau
Did not renew contract, claimed to be looking forward to having more time just to himself.
- Special Snowflake
Dropped for being too special, but not special enough. Picked up by /lgbt/ in Spring 2013.
- Gary Gygax
Retired to playtest the astral plane.
- Maids
Retired to a villa in Italy after a good run. Maids claims that she will still support /tg/, but this time on the sidelines.
- Just As Planned
Everything went according to keikaku, and Just As Planned's contract has concluded to the satisfaction of all involved parties.
- Black Lotus
Prohibitive resigning costs prompted management to trade Black Lotus for Mana Weave.
2013 Winter Cup Era
A disappointingly early exit from the 2013 4chan Winter Cup did not result in a complete overhaul of the roster, rather only small tweaks were made.
- Quest Quest
Quest Quest was well-liked in the /tg/ clubhouse, but her countless retarded cousins were not. She was cut from the roster as a result.
- Bloody Magpies
Renewed interest from the Blood Ravens football association caused Bloody Magpies to gift himself back to his home club.
- Do You Catan?
During his sojourn with the club, he had seen infinity and truly experienced love. He retired after the 2013 Winter Cup, in order to properly channel his efforts toward the unreachable unknown.
- Coasters
Coasters was quietly released from the team after a heated argument about the condition of the manager's coffee table.
2013 Summer Cup Era
After a historically-poor finish in the 2013 4chan Summer Cup and the club's relegation, a slew of changes were made to the team roster.
- Kromgol
Kromgol did not get much opportunity, only participating in one cup with the club. Nevertheless, the team cut him loose and Kromgol returned to his first love, getting drunk and hitting things.
- The Whizzard
Another casualty after only one cup, the Whizzard did not mesh with his teammates in the locker room, creating to an uncomfortable and unnerving atmosphere with his “jokes”.
2013 Autumn Babby Cup Era
The club took a hard look at its roster after failing to promote from the 2013 4chan Autumn Babby Cup.
- Haggard
After weeks of work, the unsolvable puzzle was solved, and Haggard was released after his true visage drove several of the backroom staff mad.
- Deep Rot
A long-time veteran of the team, Deep Rot's playing career came to an end after the poor results of Autumn. He has been re-hired as head of the team's new Statistics and Analytics department.
- Mana Weave
Mana Weave was released after the Autumn Babbies, with coaches criticizing his match preparation.
- Pun-Pun
Like Deep Rot, Pun-Pun was a veteran of the Elder Days. He never grew into his considerable potential, and the club decided not to resign him.
- Gazebo
Gazebo's short-lived virtual divegrass career came to an end after the club realized he was a harmless structure and not a vicious fire-breathing monster.
2014 Roster Changes
- Nigramarines
Retired in order to start a Warhammer-themed fried chicken shack/wargaming store.
- Murderface
Unsurprisingly got Murdered to the Face.
- Noh
Noh longer part of the /tg/ team.
- Lelf
Banned for unsportsman-like conduct.
2014-2017 Roster Changes
Former Players
| Position
|
Name
|
Portrait
|
Background
|
Playing Style
|
Number
|
|
|
Cultist-chan
|
|
One of /tg/'s many waifus, with the distinction of being EXTRA heretical and extra-annoying. Hwee Kaptoored Eet Fhor Kay-oss! Let's hope Old Man Henderson doesn't realize that she's a cultist.
|
Offensive Fullback
|
12
|
|
|
DJ Phylactery
|
|
Recently featured in 4chan Banner Magazine, he's got a way with words. Now he plays football. Just hope his rival MC Divine Justice doesn't show up, we're still cleaning up that mess.
|
Offensive Fullback
|
77
|
|
|
Atlas
|
|
With a recognizable assault-class tonnage of 100, this stalwart gentleman towers over the battlefield and unleashes a special brand of pain down from a nigh-untouchable fortress.
|
|
7
|
|
|
Rigger
|
|
Off of the streets and onto the pitch, this dwarf is ready for the toughest run of his life.
|
Offensive Fullback
|
72
|
|
|
/tg/ Chess
|
|
This is not your Slavic grandfather's game of chess. This is /tg/ Chess, where legends are born each and every game. The only agreed-upon point is that only faggot rollplayers play as the Queen.
|
Anchor Man
|
64
|
|
|
Dickass Thief
|
|
A total bastard who snuck onto the team on a whim. His aim is to steal any cups the club wins and fence them before anyone gets wind of it. Little does he know, /tg/ never wins cups. /sp/ has no money to buy cups.
|
Offensive Fullback
|
26
|
|
|
Quest Thread
|
|
You wake up wearing a magical girl costume and don't remember anything. Your inventory consists of two bottles of painkillers, an opened pack of cigarettes, a metal zippo lighter, two crumpled-up 100 dollar bills, your trusty combat knife, and your shield thing. You name yourself Murderface and decide to play professional football.
|
|
X
|
|
|
Creed
|
|
Also known as CREEEEEEED. The leader of all Imperial forces on Cadia is one of /tg/'s iconic players and part of a dynamic duo with Doomrider. Creed is a true Tactical Genius known for his ability to make the ball, other attackers, and Baneblades appear out of nowhere. Killed in action in Cadia, mourned across the Imperium.
|
Creative Playmaker
|
8
|
|
|
Emracool, the Aeons Hip
|
|
Emracool, the Aeons Hip is cookin'.
When Emracool makes the goals, razz my berries, then lay a patch.
Jets, colored spells fake out, cream 6.
When Emracool shots wide, clutch it, then pile it into those books. No sweat, Clyde
Last seen engaged in combat with fifteen squirrels.
|
|
3
|
|
|
GURPS
|
|
GURPS was engaged in a tragic vehicle-related accident: he tried to start statting a car and hasn't been heard from since.
|
|
26
|
|
|
Sam Vimes
|
|
Rip Terry ;_;
|
|
26
|
|
|
America-san
|
|
The tenets of shadowrunning read as follows: shoot straight, conserve ammo, watch your back and never, ever make a deal with a dragon. America-san failed on the last count and now, coincidentally, Dunkelzahn has taken his place.
|
|
72
|
|
|
Roboute Guilliman
|
|
After a brief stay on the team, the XIIIth Primarch departed to take care of the Imperium while his father continued to shirk his duties and accompany /tg/ in the goals instead of managing his million-world empire.
|
|
13
|
|
|
Do You Catan?
|
|
The question was posed and duly answered with a resounding "no".
|
|
26
|
|
|
Nicol Bolas
|
|
>bbeg
Ugh.
|
|
93
|
|
|
Grognard
|
|
Ancient veterans of the most terrible conflicts, these are the Old Guard who have earned the right to complain openly with blood and sweat.
Age finally caught up to the Grognard, who is finally enjoying some well-earned rest, grumbling all the way.
|
Grouchy Old Guard
|
12
|
|
|
Cheers!
|
|
Phil Yates actually was needed back at work and was forcefully told to return instead of playing virtual divegrass all day.
|
Cheers!
|
12
|
|
|
Albino Doomgoat
|
|
Say-Tyr collected his new harem and has returned to the ethereal plane where he reigns. Who knows when some fool will be brave enough to summon him again...
|
Dangerous Magical Beast
|
26
|
|
|
Settra the Imperishable
|
|
Given the -firmest- of boots to the curb when the Dwarves heard that elves were going to get a rep, and he proved to be rather perishable after all.
|
Ending
|
77
|
