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Goalkeepers
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VACANT
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Many time world champion across many different federations, including singlehandedly winning the 2012 Summer Cup. How does he keep doing it?
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THAT'S THE WALL, BROTHER
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THAT'S THE WALL, BROTHER! HEY WALL! IF YOU WANT SOME, COME GET SOME! THAT'S THE WALL UP THERE, BROTHER!
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Defenders
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Triple Cage
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NO STEPH PLEASE, LET ME OUT OF THE CAGE, I DON'T WANT IT NOOOOOOOOO
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The Ol' Snake
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Now I see a lot of people online and in wrestling communities trying to tear down the old Snake with what they consider the "Worst promo of all time" but in reality we the masses have been too dumb to understand the level of kino that Jake was throwing down
>Everyone over the years have attributed the "You wanna play 21? I've got 22" line as being a sign that Jake doesn't know the rules of Blackjack
>In actuality what Mr. Roberts means is that he has a .22 Caliber gun, and that even if his opponent truly has the perfect hand he will not walk away the victor because Jake is vicious and will do anything to win.
>The line "Do you wanna play blackjack? I got two of those too" is then him saying that he has two actual blackjacks, a type of crude club used to bash people
>Finally the line "You wanna play Aces and Eights? I got too many of those" is probably the most kino of them all
>Aces and Eights goes by another name. They are called "Dead Man's Hand" because it is said to be the cards that Wild Bill Hickok, a famous outlaw, was holding when he was shot dead
>Jake is then implying that he has led a trail of men who thought they could best the snake only to wind up dead at his hand over the years.
It's time to face the facts, that even while ballooned off his ass on enough drugs to kill a bull, Jake Roberts could still cut a more cerebral promo than anyone else in the history of the business
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Bruce Lee
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Arguably the most famous martial artist who ever lived and a longtime /asp/ regular, Bruce Lee's deft skills with his feet will no doubt come in handy on the field.
Flow like water, my friend.
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Zorb
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I'M JUST A ZORBY BOY
zorby booooooooy
IT'S NOT A KIDS TOY
kiiiiiiids tooooooooy
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Jannetty
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Who's the Jannetty? Youse the Jannetty.
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Midfielders
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KWAB
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Kevin Nash was raped in the blistering summer of 1992.
Kek, what a bitch.
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Tarps
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Time to lay the tarps.
Time to lay the tarrrrrrrrrps!
huhuhuhuhu
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DEAN
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DEAN. I'M PROUD OF YOU, BOY. YOU GAVE IT TO THE PEOPLE.
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Jeriboomer
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Because when you're starting up a rival wrestling promotion designed to compete with the WWE, why WOULDN'T you make a 49 year old your inaugural champ?
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BARB
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"Hey Barb, get in here! NXT is on!"
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GO ACE
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The Cena of New Japan, Hiroshi Tanahashi has held down the fort for his home promotion for the better part of a decade. GO ACE!
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Plans Change
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W-well, uh, y-ya see, well, uh, plans change. That'll be $10.99
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Big Knife Manju
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It's NOT a tear in the poster.
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Existential Tony
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Tony Hawk is stuck in an existential nightmare where no one knows or cares who he is anymore. Hopefully that doesn't impact his divegrass abilities.
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Krispen Wah
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Who is this Krispen Wah guy? Never heard of him. He is definitely not a former World Champion and Royal Rumble winner.
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Reset the Counter
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OH NONONONONONO, AEWtists BTFO yet again!
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Big Bible AJ
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A world-champion talent for every promotion he's ever worked for, it could be argued that AJ Styles is the biggest dime-drawer in modern WWE today. The power of God, dimes, and his files has propelled AJ into being a star for the /asp/ roster.
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Ding-Dong Diddly
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Finna.
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Dimes
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The true mark of any great wrestler is how many dimes you can draw. It is the ultimate status symbol in the industry.
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Attackers
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Hollywood John
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He is a record tying 13-time WWE champion, 3-time World Heavyweight champion, 2-time Royal Rumble winner, 8-time WWE Slammy Award winner and a numerous time holder of some unimportant championships. He is the most divisive player in WWE and 4CC history. He is the ultimate underdog. He...actually hasn't been around for awhile. Still, regardless of how long it's been since he's been in the ring, John Cena IS /asp/. Powered by a mixture of sheer willpower and Fruity Pebbles, he is here to add some divegrass trophies to his list of accolades. Who wins LOL?
CENAWINSLOL.
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Undercarder
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There are few things that are truly badass. There's me, the Undercarder, the American Badass. There's KWAB, mmmmmmmm you don't wanna mess with him. There's the Tarps, the Dimes, the DEANs. And then there are those who play divegrass in the 4chan Cup. To the man, they're bad to the bone.
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