/u/ History

Cup history of /u/.

2012 4chan Autumn Babby Cup: Cold start

Founded in July 2012 by Gracen Hallibaster, /u/'s team first official tournament was the 2012 4chan Autumn Babby Cup, and it was underwhelming, to say the least. /u/ was in group H with /vg/, /b/ and /r9k/, the latter being /u/'s first opponents. The match was a disappointing 2-3 defeat, despite Homuhomu's efforts, with Feito-chan participating to the neckbears’ score with an own goal. The next match against /vg/ wouldn't raise the bar, as the /u/nicorns lost 1-2, with Erica Hartmann scoring the consolation, and the team already lost its chances of advancing. The last match against /b/ was a flaccid 0-0 affair, earning /u/ a single point and the satisfaction of bringing /b/ with them. /u/'s ranking post-Dragongate was a mediocre 22 out of 25, but the /u/nicorns could only improve in the next cup.

2013 4chan Spring Babby Cup: Witnessing the storm

With Gracen appointed as commissioner, former /u/ tester retortelement was appointed manager for /u/. The 2013 4chan Spring Babby Cup saw /u/ the group F with /o/, /mlp/ and /r9k/ again. The cup started on a disastrous note for /u/ with a 1-5 blowout loss against /mlp/, with Teru Time giving the team's only presence on the board. The next match would be the rematch against /r9k/, but this time, the /u/nicorns came out on top with a clear 3-0 win, a score that was a joint effort of Homuhomu, Akkarin, and team captain Purest form of love. After /mlp/'s defeat at the hands of /o/, /u/'s hopes were still alive, but then /u/ would lose 0-1 to /o/, putting the /u/nicorns at the 3rd place of the group. Despite an improved performance and their first victory in a cup, /u/ failed to advance and would have to watch another elite cup from the sidelines...Or would they? During post-spring's offseason, the Dragongate scandal broke out and ended with all elite Dragonfag teams being relegated and the top babby teams that didn't promote to take their place for the 2013 4chan Summer Cup. And so the /u/nicorns found themselves unexpectedly in an elite cup, but determined to prove that they deserve their place among the best.

2013 4chan Summer Cup: Underdog days

Having reached the elites thanks to the counter-effects of large-scale rigging, /u/ still had everything to prove during the 2013 4chan Summer Cup. Put in a competitive group D with /fit/, /tg/ and /int/, the /u/ started by destroying /fit/ with a 4-0 that is still /u/’s biggest victory. This game was known for the absence of both managers, and the prepared tactics saw goals from Homuhomu, Purest form of love and a Teru time brace. /u/ then drew /tg/ is an intense 3-3 match and the last game against /int/ turned out to be a festival of aggression from the /int/olerants; on top of an early Homuhomu penalty kick, /int/ player Remove kebab got a straight red card opening /int/’s defense enough for Teru time to bring home a 2-1 win. The joy of being in the elite knockouts was short-lived, though , as /u/ got bested 1-2 by eventual cup winners /wg/ and left the cup on the 13th place .

2014 4chan Winter Cup: Fall from grace

Wanting to keep up the momentum after a decent performance in Summer, /u/ went in the 2014 4chan Winter Cup full of hope, sharing the group D with /mu/, /gif/ and /gd/. Things started with a disappointing scoreless draw against /gif/ where the offense was present on both sides, but the defense was stronger and. The second match against /mu/ was much the same story but with balls actually going in the net, with Homucifer making /u/’s contribution to a 1-1 match. At the edge of relegation, /u/ needed to win against an already relegated /gd/ to stay in the elites. Sadly /gd/ managed to bring /u/ down with them by defeating the /u/nicorns 1-2. With a 29th place overall, this was /u/’s worst ever result in an elite cup, and their only winless cup since their very first participation.

2014 4chan Spring Babby Cup: Back on track

Back in the babbies, /u/ only wanted to be back to the elites as soon as possible, but during /u/’s elite run, the babbies had become the megababbies, and /u/ would have to fight for one of the two elite spots with 4 others teams during the 2014 4chan Spring Babby Cup. The group H were /u/ was put consisted in /sci/, /vg/, /vp/ and fellow cute girls /c/. Things didn’t start brilliantly with an eventless 0-0 draw against /sci/ and a 2-2 draw against /c/ which saw Black sunshine’s first cup goal for /u/, but also a brace from/c/’s lesbian traitor Yui. After two matches, the /u/nicorns were in a tight spot with just two points, just above an already doomed /sci/, and needed at least a win to keep the elite dream alive. Fortunately, against /vp/, Homucifer and Akkarin brought home a 2-1 win, putting the /u/nicorns back on track, and an another 2-1 win, over /vg/ confirmed /u/’s return to the elite, and even topping the group. In the round of 16, /u/ got its first ever knockout win by besting /hr/ 3-1, but got eliminated in the quarter-final by /tg/ with a 0-1 scoreline. The /u/nicorns celebrated their 8th place finish and their return to the elites, blissfully unaware that they’ll learn to get used to this sort of finish.

2014 4chan Summer Cup: Converting the try

Having qualified for the elites by their own doing, the /u/corns went into the 2014 4chan Summer Cup full of confidence. Their fellow group F members were /cgl/, /hr/ and tsundere one-sama /a/. /u/ started by immediately beating /a/, playing an active role in /a/’s eventual relegation from the elites. The second match against /hr/ was another one shot=one kill with Purest form of Love giving /u/ a 1-0 victory, and would score again against /cgl/, in a match that ended in a 1-1 draw. These strong showings secured the first place in the group for the /u/nicorns, and this great form would carry on in the round of 16 where /u/ dominated /diy/ 4-1. Sadly, /u/’s summer would then be stopped at the quarter-finals by /x/ who bested the /u/nicorns 1-2. Summer 2014 was a big success for /u/ with a strong showing and a 5th place elite finish, a significant improvement over last summer.

2015 4chan Winter Cup: Cruise control

With a solid team, /u/ entered the 2015 4chan Winter Cup determined to prove that lesbians don't fear the cold. The group stage saw /u/ in the group H, taking on babby runner-up /e/, underdog /t/ and /gd/, who relegated /u/ last Winter. Things were off to a slow start with the first two matches ending in draws; 1-1 against /e/ and 2-2 against /gd/. With only two points, the story on Winter 2013 would repeat itself if /u/ didn't against /t/. Fortunately, Homucifer and Purest form of love didn't let the /u/nicorns down and scored a brace each, giving the team a 4-1 team over /t/ and a sport in the knock-outs. /u/ then beat /i/ 2-1 in the round of 16, but were disposed 0-1 by the het-lovers at /h/. /u/ finished 7th overall, a solid performance cementing /u/'s status as an elite team.

2015 4chan Summer Cup: Business as usual

/u/ went in the 2015 4chan Summer Cup hoping to improve their elite track-record. The group draw saw them with some familiar company, as their opponents in the group B were the filthy /d/eviants, /mlp/ who's responsible for /u/ biggest loss and /fit/ who's responsible for /u/'s biggest win. /u/ began proving /d/ what's the best genitalia with a 1-0 win, but then lost again to /mlp/, this time with a less insulting 2-3, thanks to Teru time and Akkarin. With /fit/ ahead on points, /u/ needed to relegate them again in order to grab the group's second place, and for 80 minutes, it looked like /fit/ would get away with a draw, but then Teru time and Homucifer secured a 2-0 win in the last 10 minutes of the game. In the knock-outs, /u/ was up against /s/ but managed to be distracted enough by their opponents' gorgeous bodies to win 2-1. Unfortunately, the quarter-final would be once again the end of /u/'s elite run, conceding a 1-3 loss to /b/ with only Purest form of love scoring. /u/ was proving to be a very regular team, but these continuous quarter-final finishes were starting to look like a curse, and the /u/nicorns were eager for a top four finish.

2016 4chan Winter Cup: As close as it gets

The /u/nicorns found themselves in the 2016 4chan Winter Cup’s group of death. Sure, >/sp/ were there but so were the reigning Winter Cup champions /tg/, as well as /pol/, who won the coveted third place trophy in autumn. Weirdly, it was the two dreaded adversaries that turned out to be the less challenging ones, as /u/ got a clear 3-1 win out of both /tg/ and /pol/. When /u/ took on /sp/ they were already qualified for the knock-outs; /u/ opted to bench a yellow-carded Akkarin and drew /sp/ 2-2.

In the round of 16, a managerial fumble and a purple Madokami put the /u/nicorns on edge against /d/. Fortunately, >fluid managed to overcome the early /d/eviant lead, and resulted in a 3-2 victory. /u/ then found themselves against /an/ for their dreaded quarter-final match; however, since /an/ had beaten /ck/ in the RO16, two curses were going against each other. The match was nail-biting as Homucifer scored within the first five minutes and then /u/ maintained that paper-thin lead all the way up to the final whistle. The /u/nicorns rejoiced as they finally overcame a curse that had been haunting the team for two years and were going to a place no lesbian ever went before: a top 4 finish. The semi-final against powerhouse /mu/ was an intense goal fest but /u/ came out on top 4-3 with Homucifer, Akkarin, Kuma Shock and Fingering for World Peace all scoring one goal each.

/u/ had finally made its way to an Elite Cup final, and were taking on /fit/, a team that made a very strong showing in the knock-outs, notably beating the seemingly unstoppable /out/. With two heavy midfield teams and Cup finals traditionally being slightly uneventful, some had concerns about the match being a semen-slurper. However, semen is an illicit substance over at /u/ so the match was a 7-goal thriller that kept every /u/nicorn with their hair standing. After a disappointing first half with 0(zero) shots on target for /u/ and 1 goal for /fit/ things looked bleak. However, in the beginning of the second half, Homucifer put the team on the board and the game was on. Scooby then put /fit/ ahead again and Purest Form of Love equalized, buying /u/ a ticket to extra time. After 90 minutes on the pitch, the divegrass became sloppy; defensive and offensive blunders became numerous but at the end of the first half of extra time, Homucifer found the opening and put /u/ in the lead. /u/ was now 15 minutes away from their first elite title. Sadly, it was not meant to be: /fit/ made their last change and the fresh legs put /u/'s defence under heavy pressure, allowing Zyzz and L O N D O N to complete /fit/'s 2 goal comeback, snatching the Winter 2016 trophy out of /u/’s hands and ending the match 3-4. Being so close and not making it distressed many fans, but it was /u/’s best result to date and Homucifer brought home the golden boot and the player of the tournament distinction. The final was also voted match of the tournament.

2016 4chan Summer Cup: The higher you climb the harsher the fall

After an excellent winter run, the /u/nicorns had high hopes when going in the 2016 4chan Summer Cup. Grouped once again in the group of death with Spring runner-up /vr/, /o/ and eternal white whale /mlp/, the odds didn't look good and the event would confirm it. /u/ wouldn't found success in the first two matches, drawing /vr/ 1-1 and /mlp/ 2-2, but were still in control of their destiny facing /o/. Sadly, /o/ was too much and Homucifer's efforts could not compensate for the lack of will from the rest of the team, and /u/ lost 2-4, relegated with only two points and 27th overall.

2016 4chan Autumn Babby Cup: On the offside of history

After a disappointing relegation in Summer, /u/ found themselves back where they started four years ago, in an Autumn Babby. The draw put /u/ in group F of the 2016 4chan Autumn Babby Cup, together with spooky /x/, wildcard /b/ and /wsg/, and any of these matches were going to be crucial to get back into the elites. The first match against /x/ saw /u/ down early from an X-tan goal but a Teru Time brace and a cheeky Homucifer steal secured /u/ 3 vital points. The match against /wsg/ wasn’t going to be this smooth, and after 90 minutes of spaghetti over spaghetti, that saw the non-medal CMF Metall/u/rgy score both of /u/’s goals, both teams were level at 2-2. Although /u/ was in a good position for promotion, they were still disputing the last spot for Winter with /wsg/ who could still make an escape should /u/ slip against /b/…and /u/ slipped. One goal was all it took for /b/ to masterrace the group and all /u/ managed to achieve was an Homucifer offside goal and getting Science babies carded twice in four minutes. /u/’s fate now rested in the hands of wooden spoon favourites /x/, but then, X-tan decided to go out with a bang and led her team to a blowout 5-2 win, avoiding the wooden spoon for /x/ and securing /u/’s place in Winter over /wsg/.

In the round of 16, /u/ got draw with /h/ for a very lewd matchup. Thanks to a brilliant pressuring and defensive effort, along with some laser-guided strikes from Purest form of Love and Teru Time, /u/ got away with a very pure 2-0 victory over the het incest lovers. As luck would have it, purity would carry on to the quarterfinals thanks to /c/ pulling an upset victory over /sp/ and meeting /u/ for the first purity derby since Spring 2014. Despite Homucifer’s continuous efforts at getting her goals denied, Befriending and Fingering for World Peace carried /u/ to a 2-1 win. The /u/nicorns would then face /jp/ in the semis and while Homucifer finally found a way of scoring while being onside, Teru Time didn’t manage to do much and it cost /u/ their place in the final, /jp/ taking it in the dying moments of the match while leaving /u/ with a 2-3 loss.

For the conclusion of their Autumn run, /u/ would face former Summer group stage opponent /vr/ in a match for the COVETED third place trophy. After an underwhelming performance against /jp/, Teru Time found her way back to the opponent’s net to put /u/ on the board first. /vr/ then quickly answered thanks to Virtual Boy and the two teams stayed neck a neck until the 76th minute when Befriending blooted a perfect Starlight Breaker from outside the box, giving the /u/nicorns a 2-1 lead that would stay until the final whistle. Despite not being to make the final, the team could celebrate a podium finish and their return to the elite club.

2017 4chan Winter Cup: We yo-yo now

One the anniversary of /u/'s runner up cup, the team hoped to regain their elite status after a good Autumn performance. /u/ landed on the group G of the 2017 4chan Winter Cup with elite cup furniture /asp/, /n/, and the memesters of /s4s/. Historically not a very goalscoring team, /u/ took hard the hit of the PES17 transition with a 0-0 thriller against /asp/ in their opening match. The following match against /n/ was much more promising, the team inaugurating their brand new turf with a 2-0 clean sheet, courtesy of Teru Time and Purest form of love, putting /u/ in a relatively comfortable position to advance. Unfortunately, PES didn't feel like, and the team took a very violent PESing at the benefit of /s4s/, despite the efforts of everybody on the team including Madokami. With /n/ embracing the wooden spoon shortly afterwards, /u/ got dragged back to the babbies, ranking 17th despite 4 points and a positive GD. As a silver lining, the team got the best models and best kits awards, as well as the "At least you tried" one.

2017 4chan Spring Babby Cup: On the knife-edge

Come the 2017 4chan Spring Babby Cup, the team was still feeling the sting of the unfair Winter relegation. There was no time to dwell on that, though, and the /u/nicorns had to put their act together the climb back into the elites. Put in group D with /r9k/, rising /co/ and fellow unlucky 17th placed /ck/, the ride was looking bumpy for /u/. The opening match against /ck/ went fortunately well, Purest form of love and Homucifer teaming up to secure a 2-1 win, but the numerous offensive blunders, including a botched penalty kick, were the harbingers of some difficult times. The match against /r9k/ would confirm this, ending 0-0 despite a completely dominating performnce but with /u/ unable to do anything other than blowing its chances, making the looming match up with a solid /co/ worrying for /u/'s advancement. Foutunately group results were kind on the team, allowing them to advance even on a loss as long as /u/ kept its 6 GD advantage on /r9k/ in check, what could possibly go wrong? As it turned out, not much, but incredible >PES moments in the /ck/-/r9k/ match made /u/'s game much more stressing than any "don't lose by 4 goals" game has any right to be. Much to the /u/nicorns' relief, the team only lost by one; Purest form of love being the only /u/ scorer in a 2-1 match. And just like that, /u/ got a clutch advancement to Summer, an advancement that was all thanks to the initial victory over /ck/ and, crucially, /co/ carving /r9k/'s GD beyond repair.

The Spring adventure ended in the round of 16 where /u/ became one of the many casulties of /lgbt/'s steamrolling run to the title. Purest form of love and Homucifer protected the team from complete humiliation with two late goals, ending the match 4-2 in /lgbt/'s favor.

The 10th place did little to hide the lukewarm performance of the team and the limits of their trademark 4-4-2 diamond. Still, the team made it back to the Elite and got a second best kit award for their aesthetic effort.

2017 4chan Summer Cup: As close as it gets (again)

Back in the elites (again), the tactically refreshed team was determined to make a good showing in the 2017 4chan Summer Cup. To do that, the /u/nicorns first had to overcome the group A where they were pitted against /an/, /h/, and Winter 2016 final foe /fit/. The first two matches went pretty smoothly with a 3-0 win over /h/, Homucifer and Akkarin being goalscorers while the defense didn't allow a single shot against, and a 2-0 win over /an/ due to a Purest Form of Love brace. Due to other group results, advancement was guaranteed before the last match against /fit/ which ended with a respectable 1-1 draw with a Purest Form of Love goal on /u/'s side.

Finally seeing an elite knockout stage again, /u/ found themselves in its first matchup against /his/, which turned out to be a rather intense match, eventually decided by a defensive fumble from /his/' defenders allowing Black Sunshine to sink a goal and contribute to put the team ahead 3-2. The quarter-final against /tv/ was just as intense which /u/ snatching a 2-1 victory thanks of a Homucifer corner header in the dying minutes of the match, propelling the team to a top 4 finish. The semi-finals saw a rematch against /an/ which was just as one-sided as the group stage one as the team steamrolled their opponents 4-1 in a joint effort by Akkarin, Homucifer and Purest Form of Love. It was the calm before the storm.

In an elite final (again), the /u/nicorns were playing against the dreaded /lgbt/. The team that terrorized the entire cup in 2017 and that already made /u/ bit the dust in Spring. /u/ fought valiantly and tried deseperatly to score but the shots either missed or were saved, until the inevitable happened and /lgbt/ scored from a midfield artillery strike just before stoppage time. In a last death or glory move the /u/nicorn threw everything forward but it only allowed /lgbt/ to secure another goal ending the match 0-2. While the sting of losing an elite final (again) was rather noticeable, the team had finally clawed its way outside yo-yo hell, and also won the best aesthetics award as a consolation (again).

2018 4chan Winter Cup: AT LAST

In the span of two years, the /u/nicorns have reached the elite finals and lost both times, the frustration of being denied that elusive first star was steadily growing by the time the 2018 4chan Winter Cup happened. Unfortunately the group stage draw couldn’t possibly be more disastrous: the /u/nicorns found themselves in the company of Summer 17 knockouts rival /his/ and two white whales they can't manage to get off their back: /fit/, who they’ll face for the 5th time and who denied the team their first star in Winter 2016 and /mlp/ who has the grating habit of winning every cup where they’re grouped with /u/.

Despite the ominous circumstances, the team was out for blood and it showed in the first match against /mlp/; capitalizing on a numerous questionable decisions by the ponies, Feito-chan and Akkarin carried the team to a 3-0 victory, the first of any kind they had over /mlp/ who fumbled all over the place, with Derpy Hooves even contributing to /u/’s scoring. Up next the rematch against /his/ was more one-sided than in the previous Summer; Feito-chan and Akkarin once again teaming up to give /u/ a 2-1 win, although Feito-chan ate a second consecutive yellow, forcing her to sit the third match. This would thankfully turn out to be inconsequential; /u/ advanced and /fit/ was relegated before the last match which ended in a 0-1 loss for /u/.

In the Round of 16, /u/ faced a very dynamic /co/ and it showed right at the start with /co/lette breaking the game open. /u/ tried desperately to answer for 80 minutes, until a miracle happened, and CB Low Impact Consensual Cuddling made a heroic run past the /co/ defence to level the game at 90+1, sending it to extra time. This proved to be the end of /co/ who completely run out of steam and Befriending sealed the deal 2-1 to propel /u/ forward. The quarterfinals against /sci/ were a completely one-sided affair, Akkarin put one in and Homucifer finally woke up and put two in the net to end the game 3-0 and face /n/ in the semifinals. /n/ boldly decided to park a gigantic bus in front of their net and play the long game, which resulted in the game going to extra time scoreless, but eventually Homucifer found an opening and Feito-chan finished it shortly afterwards, taking advantage of /n/ going full panic mode, and the game ended 2-0.

And then it was, once again, time for an elite final, /u/’s third elite final. And, of course, it had to be against /mlp/. Coincidentally /mlp/ was also playing their third elite final, but already had two stars to their name and was eyeing their third, while /u/ was still desperately chasing their first. The two sides were absolutely determined and turned the final into an incredible slugfest with both teams constantly trying to outmanoeuvre the other. /u/ got first blood thanks to Homucifer but /mlp/ soon retaliated, then got the lead again courtesy of Purest form of Love only to see /mlp/ go back level; tackles, cards, near misses, saves, clearances, wild shots just kept happening in quick succession, increasingly building up a tension. Eventually the game went to extra time and just kept getting wilder and wilder, until Purest form of Love completed her brace to put /u/ ahead a third time. It looked like the end of it, but no, of course no, of course /mlp/ HAD to sneak a stoppage goal at 120+2 and send the game to the coinflip of penalties. Despair was high amongst the /u/nicorns, as /mlp/ had already won two penalty shootouts that day, and now the star was to be decided by who would blink first in RNGesus’ cruellest joke. In a buzzing atmosphere, the strikers took their turn in front of the net, then the midfielders, then the goalkeepers, then the defenders…none of the players slipped for 9 rounds but then, /mlp/’s Hi Anon, tried to be cheeky and shot it right at an unsurprised Madokami, leaving the outcome on the match and the whole cup on Science Babies.

" “Science Babies…IN! /U/ WINS A STAR! /U/ WINS A CUP! LESBIAN DOMINANCE!” "

— DrBorisG !!uWmnP2zIyZF

At last

AT LAST

At last /u/ triumphed and finally got their own star.

2018 4chan Summer Cup: Being defending champs is suffering

The /u/nicorns arrived at the 2018 4chan Summer Cup with a title to defend, unfortunately they just got out of six months of non stop celebratory lesbian orgies and turned up on the pitch utterly shitfaced. Grouped with the familiar company of /gd/, /r9k/ and /ck/ in Group A, the team made an underwhelming showing, losing 2-3 to /ck/, 1-3 to /gd/ and lastly 3-4 to /r9k/ in a choke festival, eventually earning the spoon along their stop-free trip down to the babbies.

2018 4chan Autumn Babby Cup: Yuri master race

After crashing and burning from Summer with extreme prejudice, the team emerged from the wreckage in the 2018 4chan Autumn Babby Cup having to battle their way up yet again. Foutunately, the Yuri Fairy of Mutual Respect appeared to help the team get back on track, joining the team as a medal player. The draw put them in Group D with now recurrent rival /his/ and the two autopilots /cm/ and /gif/. The Sapphobowl against /his/, the third one in the span of a year and a half, started with /u/ on the back foot but thanks to a joint effort of Homucifer and the fairy, the /u/nicorns turned it around and won 2-1. They quickly dispatched /gif/ 2-0 and them /cm/ 2-1 to achieve their first ever nine point master race, along with winning the third group stage match for the first time since Summer 15.

Sadly, though, there is a price to pay for the fabled 9 points, and /u/ wouldn't get away from its fate this time. Playing against /w/ in the Ro16, the /u/nicorns got let down by Purest Form of Love signing her worst performances of all time, not only gifting /w/ the winning penalty, but also botching a golden chance at bringing the game to extra time. And just on that 0-1 loss, the Autumn run was over, but at least the next stop was an elite cup.

2019 4chan Winter Cup: Déjà vu

After promoting from Autumn, /u/ found themselves playing an Elite Cup on a re-emergent PES16, the game in which /u/ first advanced past the quarterfinals. Immediately, they set out to prove that they hadn't lost a step; /n/ were quickly dispatched despite some early scares by the score of 4-1 and while /wg/ scored the first goal, /u/ did even more against them. By the time the match was over, the /u/nicorns had won 6-2, the highest amount of goals they'd ever scored and unbelievably, just the second ever hat trick in the team's six plus year history courtesy of Purest Form of Love. Due to the other two matches of the group being draws /u/ had already topped their group and would rest a Fate with a card to her name for the final group stage match, but it didn't matter since /u/ came out of a typical PES16 goalfest against /jp/ (who had defeated /u/ in the semifinals of the previous PES16 cup) a 5-4 winner. /u/ ended the group stage as the best performing team and prospects were looking incredibly good for a second star.

But, once again, 9 points proved to be a curse. /u/ were to play /ck/ in the knockouts, and within five minutes were already down a goal. After a slow fifty minutes /ck/ scored again, but in typical PES16 fashion /u/ scored two of their own to take the match to extra time. In the first half of extra time, /ck/ scored their third and held on; by the end of the match, they took seventeen shots, enough that even Madokami couldn't save /u/. For the second cup in a row, /u/ had fallen victim to the 9 point curse and seen a potential cup winning run end in disappointment, but at the end of the day they were still elite.

2019 4chan Summer Cup: Too close for comfort

With two straight disappointing runs in the books, /u/ looked to another Summer Cup on a new PES with new management. Unfortunately, the transition to PES18 had done a number on what were previously among the cup's top aesthetics, but /u/ made do anyway. The group stage included a prime chance for revenge and a team /u/ hadn't played in six years, but most important was a match against the heretical /y/, a team that managed to do just enough to get into Summer after spending years almost as far away from /u/ as possible. /u/ wasted no time asserting their dominance; although the infamous Yaranaika scored twice, /u/ scored 6 (six) times, equaling their Winter performance against /wg/ and getting Homu her first ever hat-trick, /u/'s second ever in a cup proper. With a four goal win already obtained, /u/ seemingly coasted through the rest of their matches; a spaghetti-filled /ck/ match ended an unsatisfying 0-0 and a 2-0 halftime lead against autopilot /toy/ turned into a 3-2 loss thanks to a /toy/ free kick and a catastrophic end-of-match giveaway by the once heroic couch. With /ck/ completely failing to do anywhere near what /u/ had to /y/ and in fact drawing them, another stay in the Elites was secured.

/u/ got to play another autopilot in the knockouts; this time it was /fit/, a team that had evolved from being a /u/nicorn punching bag to one of the more consistent thorns in their side, even stopping them from winning a star. What proceeded was an extreme tale of two halves; /fit/ came out completely dominant in the first half, scoring three goals and completely incapacitating one of the best offenses /u/ had ever had. However, /u/ came out swinging in the second half and eventually climbed back to a mere 3-2 deficit only for /fit/ to immediately score after /u/'s second goal. Although /u/ scored a cheeky 90+er to make it 4-3, it was too little and too late. /u/ were eliminated despite an incredibly dominant second half and although the Summer Cup was a decent start for the new management team, questions remain heading into the 2020 Winter Cup.

2020 4chan Winter Cup: Recursion

Now on their third straight Round of 16 elimination after a dominant early group stage, /u/ went into a new decade looking to break another long streak of getting eliminated at the same time. This group stage featured a rival /u/ had never played outside of a single friendly in 2013, a team /u/ last played in 2016, and yet another /fit/ matchup. First up was /mu/; since their last matchup, /mu/ had undergone a very turbulent few years of cup competition, even to the point of missing two Elite Cups in a row when they had previously never missed one. In extremely familiar form, /u/ got off the line incredibly quickly, going up 3-0 in all of eleven minutes thanks to Homucifer kickoff abuse and a brace from the gold-again Purest Form of Love. All /mu/ could muster was a very late consolation goal, and the match finished a 3-1 victory to /u/. In their SEVENTH official matchup against /fit/, /u/ again obtained a relatively quick lead thanks to Purest Form of Love scoring a goal after 21 minutes, and despite /fit/ spending much of the rest of match time in /u/'s attacking area, a horrific lack of accuracy and five saves from the legendary Madokami kept /u/ leading long enough for Homu to ice the match at the 82nd minute and secure a 2-0 win. Immediately after, /mu/ somehow managed to hold /lit/ to a 1-1 draw, meaning that yet again, /u/ were through before their final match and had very little reason to care for that final match. What resulted of the first-ever Cup proper Classyb Owl was anything but classy; in fact, it was /u/'s worst loss since the infamous /mlp/ match of 2013. A 6-2 drubbing that very nearly cost them top of the group and thanks to /mu/ furiously coming back to defeat /fit/ in the next match saw /u/ essentially drag /lit/ with them to the knockout stage. For /lit/, it was only their third ever Elite Cup knockout stage; for /u/, it was the third Elite Cup knockout stage in a row. /u/'s knockout opponent was /toy/, the same team that they encountered the most dangerous lead against the previous cup, and one that had similarly mounted a miracle final-match comeback this cup just to advance.

Unfortunately, things did not end very differently this time around. In just twelve minutes, /toy/ found themselves a lead, and the rest of the match was painfully slow, with /toy/ always having a slight upper hand and ultimately winning 1-0. Unlike the last two Elite Round of 16 eliminations, the heartbreak of having a comeback attempt fail wasn't present, but for the fourth cup in a row, /u/ had fallen at the first hurdle of the knockout stage. With another PES version switch looming for the 2020 4chan Summer Cup, it remains to be seen how and when /u/ will break their newest curse.

2020 4chan Summer Cup: I lived, bitch

After a disappointing 4th (fourth) Round of 16 exit, /u/ entered the 2020 4chan Summer Cup in Group E with /fa/, the familiar face /wg/ and the very familiar face /his/, a team the /u/nicorns tended to bump into at every occasion in 2017-2018. Said match up with /his/ was the first match, and with a 4th straight victory (2-1 thanks to a Purest Form of Love brace) for the lesbians, it successfully tricked the fans and the cup audience that this would be another relatively dominant but arguably sedate /u/ cup run. However, the fact that Pregnant Anne Frank scored was in fact the harbinger of weird shit to come. And weird shit would come in force in the second match against /fa/, as the fashion autists didn't take kindly /u/'s provocation of playing football in crocs and descended upon the team with great blazing fury. In what would become one the cup's most memorable shellackings, /u/ would suffer a disastrous 2-9 humiliation, with only Feito-chan and Homucifer managing to salvage some charred crumbs of dignity. With an abysmal -6 GD af /u/ was keenly aware that they would be out of the equation in any scenario involving a GD tiebreaker and needed /his/ to win against /wg/ to have the final day be a simple win and in situation. Fortunately, /his/ delivered and /wg/ even managed to get Descartes suspended for the match against /u/. The team needed "only" a win to advance, but morale after the 2-9 debacle was at an all-time low and /wg/ capitalized on that. Taking a leaf off of /fa/'s book, /wg/ put instant and constant pressure and built themselves a 3 goal lead by the 50th minute. Needing 4 goals to advance, the situation for the /u/nicorns was incredibly dire, but then /wg/'s strategy of constant pressure was starting to backfire. With the /wg/ players getting prematurely tired, Homucifer managed a crucial steal in the /wg/ half which resulted in Purest Form of Love putting /u/ on the board, then immediately followed by Befriending and then Purest Form of Love scored again bringing the game level before the 75th minute mark. Still needing a goal to survive, /u/ was helped by /wg/ doubling down on chasing a win to secure themselves, which ended up sealing their fate. /u/ put fresh legs on the pitch late to take advantage of /wg/'s collapsing midfield, and at 85' the miracle happened and Feito-chan put the team ahead. The dying moments of the game were agonizing as /wg/ threw everything they had to try and salvage a draw but things went to a screeching halt when a /wg/ defender shut down a /u/ counter by fouling Feito-chan in their box. Homucifer sank the penalty and confirmed /u/ to the knockouts on an unbelievable comeback from 0-3 to 5-3, setting the record for the biggest comeback resulting in a win. Ironically /his/ would eventually best /fa/ and /u/ would advance on 6 points -4 GD over /fa/ who relegated on 3 points +1 GD, having scored all of their 9 goals against /u/.

The team had barely any time to breathe as they've been immediately set up for a Round of 16 match against a very confident /sp/ who had just 9 pointed their group and was hyping up their "weeb annihilation tour". There were reasons to worry about another Round of 16 exit as /sp/ had the best offense of the group stages, and it has been a long time since /u/ appeared as the complete challenger. As it turned out, the team found their footing back and completely shut down the /sp/ergs' attacks, and thanks to a combined effort from Black Sunshine, Feito-chan and Homucifer, the team claimed a controlled 3-0 win. Black Sunshine scoring her 5th career goal was not only a nice match event, but it also set the tone for the massive role non-medals would later play in the cup run. Next up was the quarter-finals and /u/ was to play /his/ AGAIN in the 5th occurrence of what has been officially dubbed "The Siege of Lesbos", although for the first time disputed on /his/' ground. /his/ had looked very convincing and they were determined to finally get a win over /u/ but the lesbians were equally determined to keep this match up going their way. The match quite quickly devolved into a slug fest, /his/ got the opener but Feito-chan soon answered and Homucifer put the team ahead, only for /his/ to equalize on the kickoff. Akkarin got the team ahead again and /his/ answered on the kick off a second time. With no team managing to find a clear lane to the other goal thanks to both keepers doing excellent plays, the game stayed at 3-3 all the way to the end of extra time and it came down to a penalty shootout to decide who would get their ticket to the semi-final. As the entire audience held their breath, /u/ and /his/ took their turns, but when it was Charles II's turn, the inbred retard took a mediocre shot that Madokami was able to read and palm away. That was the one blink that sealed the game; all other strikers got it in the net and it was was poetically Science Babies, who got /u/ their first star in a penalty shootout, that confirmed /u/ for the semi final. Next, /u/ faced /out/ in the semi, and the Yuru Camp themed match meant that a lot of Nadeshiko's beloved broken spaghetti ended up spilled, with defensive blunders allowing /out/ to be ahead by 2 at 60', but the /u/nicorns had seen worse. Like against /wg/, Purest Form of Love initiated the comeback, followed by ERNESTAAAAAAA channeling her white hot hatred into an equalizing header. The game got very tense with both teams managing breakaway plays until /out/'s This is What We Wear In Germany tried to intercept a lobbed throughball to Homucifer by taking an incomprehensible and hilarious dive which left Homucifer unchallenged to easily put /u/ ahead and the match ended 3-2. /u/ was now to play their 4th elite cup final with a chance at being the 3rd team with 2 stars, and as luck would have it, /u/'s sister team /c/ would be waiting for them on the pitch.

With a dream match up in the final, the team proudly set foot on the Konami stadium for the fourth time, but under the pleasant atmosphere and the joyful special anthems, both teams had nothing else in mind but claiming the cup for themselves, and a kick off blunder that almost became an early goal for /c/ showed very clearly that in this match any mistake could seal to deal. /u/ got first blood at 24' with Demon Dork scoring off a cross from the right wing, a tactic /u/ had used and abused this cup. This lead lasted until 38' when Yui managed to sneak a goal past a very narrow angle to bring the game level at the half. As the second half unfold under breathtaking tension, stamina started to play a very crucial role; after a Feito-chan goal at 63', a very tired Befriending got dispossessed in the /u/ half allowing Do It For Her to equalize the game again at 72'. Things were not looking great, /c/ was surging and was relentlessly besieging /u/'s net and while the defenders managed to keep things under control, the team had all the trouble in the world in mounting a convincing attack with Befriending becoming increasingly exhausted. Regulation ended at 2-2 and going into extra time, /c/ started having stamina issues too, with their prime set-up player, Do It For Her, being completely out of steam. With both teams essentially deprived of their offense and becoming easy prey for the opposing defenders, the star looked poised to be decided on another penalty shootout. Five minutes away from the final whistle, /c/ kept assaulting /u/'s box but their front players were too tired and /u/'s backline kept defusing their attacks, culminating with a very off target header by a completely gassed Do It For Her. Gifted a free clearance, /u/ had this one last attack to end it before penalties...and this is where Befriending, despite her complete exhaustion, managed one final heroic push on the wing, then caught a weak clearance and passed it to Akkarin, of all players, wide open in the box and the former medal sank the victorious goal right on the dot of 120'.

" It's gonna come down to the wire, Akkarin...AKKARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!! THE CLASSIC /U/ PLAYER WILL TAKE THIS CUP FOR THEM! "

— DrBorisG !!uWmnP2zIyZF

With a second lily on their crest, a fourth top 2 overall, and a whole sweep of auties awards, /u/ now stands as the highest finishing team in the cup...and are determined to not spoon the next cup they are hosting. But before that happens, the team has a lot of "locker room celebration" to enjoy.

2021 4chan Winter Cup: Being defending champs is suffering (again)

After another round of celebratory lesbian orgies and the addition of a second lily to their logo, /u/ came back to host another cup as defending champions and ended up drawing a group with /ck/, /co/, and /n/. However shitfaced they were on arrival to their first match against /co/, it was evidently negated by /co/'s lack of offense; /co/ did not record a single shot on target, allowing a questionable /u/ attack to go barely noticed as the Winter Cup started with a 0-0 draw. Unlike the previous tournament they hosted, /u/ did not immediately crumble after such a result. /ck/'s Egg Fort ruler scored twice in six minutes, interrupted by a fifteenth-minute Homucifer goal, to give them the lead at halftime. A /u/ offense incredibly determined to precision above all else scored twice in eight minutes to give its team the lead at the 70th minute, but an al/ck/oholic equalized quickly and there were no more bursts of scoring. A 3-3 draw meant /u/ were on two points after as many matches and only needed to beat /n/ to secure advancement.

Unfortunately, /n/ scored first, just as /ck/ did. Fortunately, /u/ very quickly equalized, just as they did against /ck/. Unfortunately, /n/ scored again quickly after THAT, just as /ck/ did. And then the goals stopped coming for a while. /n/ applied heavy pressure while /u/ hung on for their lives, waiting for another chance to come to their extremely precise attack. They got one in the second half, just as things were starting to die out, as Homu made it an even match with fifteen minutes to go. And then just a short while after, in an incredibly familiar pattern, it looked as though /u/ had taken the lead by scoring two goals in quick succession. Only one problem: Homucifer was offside. It wasn't really close, either. After a rare Homucifer failure, /u/ never got another opportunity while /n/ padded stats. Despite far more chances for /n/, /u/ held on to the tune of a 2-2 draw. It wasn't enough. For the second time in two tries, /u/ were relegated as the host. This time, instead of a cup-winning defense malfunctioning, it was a cup-winning offense; /u/ scored five goals, but their output paled in comparison to the previous cup. /u/-/co/, the match most responsible for costing /u/ advancement and the one that led to /co/ topping the group, was voted Slurpfest of the Tournament; /n/ went on to win the entire thing. At least this time, /u/ wouldn't be headed to the Babbies with a spoon.

2021 4chan World Cup: Bad Luck Lilies

With the cup's 10th anniversary coming up, the decision was made to temporarily abolish the regular Babby-Elite cycle and stage a massive sixty-four team tournament on an entirely new version of PES. What could possibly go wrong? Well, /u/ did do pretty well in the pre-tournament invitationals they signed up to. Surely that would be a good sign. /u/ got drawn in Group O with /an/, /aco/, and /cm/. To start with, they got to play /aco/, a historically terrible team favored by absolutely no one. They played like they were playing against a historically terrible team, too, consistently dominating the match. Of course, something was going wrong. They couldn't finish at all, and the other end /aco/ scored two goals before the 50th minute. No amount of dominance could stop /u/ from losing their first match 0-2, putting them in an early hole. The next match, against another heavy underdog in /an/, went better on the finishing front; a substantially worse offensive performance was moot thanks to better defense, Homu actually scored twice, and /u/ won 2-1 to continue their ownership of /an/. Heading into the final day, /u/ needed a little help to open up the road to advancement; they could technically do it all on their own, but that would have required a win by four. So they paid real attention to /an/'s match /aco/, needing a 0-point /an/ to show any amount of life. Surprisingly, /an/ did show life against /aco/, winning 3-0 in an insane spaghetti-fest of a match. All /u/ needed to do was grab a point off of a dominant /cm/ and everything would be good. For a while, it looked like that wasn't too close to happening, as /cm/ copied the /aco/ strategy of having a worse attack with better finishing. Immediately after /cm/'s second goal, substitute midfielder Mom Get The Lightbulbs came on and assisted a Homucifer goal. Hiori and Homucifer did it again nineteen minutes later, /u/ kept putting on pressure and kept the result as it was, and with a 2-2 draw they had advanced yet again despite everything in their way.

In the Round of 16, /u/ drew /asp/, now a no-longer-existing board being allowed to play a final cup as a farewell before the pieces it was separated into began competition on their own. Unfortunately, /asp/ scored three goals before the halftime whistle went off. /u/ somehow made it a one-goal match with fifteen minutes left, but /asp/ put away any hope of another comeback from down three near the end of the match. A 2-4 loss ended the latest /u/ cup run, but even in a weaker season /u/ managed to keep things interesting. The regular cup cycle resumed after this cup, meaning /u/'s next tournament was the 2021 4chan Autumn Babby Cup.

2021 4chan Autumn Babby Cup: Megababby Jackpot

Off the heels of a World Cup in which four new teams saw their first action and with two more new teams on the way, the decision was made to run a Megababby immediately after the largest cup event ever. Naturally, /u/ were there, and ended up drawn in Group G with /lit/, /sci/, /fit/, and /b/. Their first match was against /fit/, a team they had already played a million times prior. /fit/ showed fight, as they always do, and in fact scored the first goal of the match before halftime. Purest Form of Love, almost entirely absent from the World stat sheet, scored three in the second half as /u/ immediately won 3-1. Next up was /sci/ and a sudden formation change. Purest Form of Love continued the hot streak by scoring first, making it look justified. Some /sci/ nonmedal wondering about 0.999 equalized before the second half and /sci/ took the lead after some truly insane spaghetti on /u/'s defensive end; /u/ would lose 1-2, both to /sci/ and themselves. /u/ immediately went back to their previous formation the very next match. It was a special match, too, as it took place on Halloween. /u/, being an incredibly aesthetically proficient team, took the opportunity to introduce an entirely new set of aesthetics for the occasion and exchange Homucifer for Homulilly at the front of it all. /lit/ did not take the same opportunity and as if by righteous punishment, the second cup-proper run of the Classyb Owl was even more of a bloodbath as the first one. And the right team won. Purest Form of Love scored ANOTHER hat trick, Homulilly scored twice, and even Feito-chan got her time on the scoresheet. /u/'s 6-0 win immediately rocked the entire group, putting them on six points with an insanely high +7 GD. The fourth round of the group progressed without /u/; /b/ ending what little threat /lit/ had would have been helpful, and they even had a lead, but it wasn't to last, as a 2-2 draw made it very possible that /u/ could still blow it. All /lit/ needed to do was win. /lit/ even went up 3-0 by halftime, not totally unlike a certain other cup match. /fit/ switched to total meme tactics, seemingly giving up all hope. Then Zyzz scored. Then he did it again fourteen minutes later. Then a /fit/ nonmedal came out of nowhere and equalized the match with four minutes left. That would have advanced /u/ right then and there, but clearly things hadn't gotten mad enough. Zyzz scored TWO stoppage-time goals. /fit/ won 5-3, again resembling a certain other cup match. After all of that, /u/ could still technically be eliminated. All that needed to happen was...an 0-7 loss. Not likely, but neither is coming back from 3-0 down to win or losing 9-2. Fortunately for everyone, the group stage insanity train actually bothered to stop. Neither /u/ nor /b/ did all that much in the first half, with the two teams both playing like they'd already advanced. Homu scored not long after the second half started, Purest Form of Love followed up seven minutes later, and despite /b/ trying to get back in the match /u/ just soundly dominated their way to topping the group. It was that easy all along. So how about some babby knockouts?

To start the knockouts, /u/ drew /h/, a team so comically offensive that it won 5-0 and didn't even top its group. /h/, of course, scored one to take a halftime lead and added a second not long after halftime even as /u/ dominated most of the match. With thirteen minutes left, Nanoha finally scored a goal and right at the death, so did Homu. /u/'s first match of the knockout stage went into extra time, where both teams traded shots without scoring and readied for a shootout. Despite Purest Form of Love missing her shot, it took until the goalkeepers to decide a winner. Madokami scored her penalty, then saved Sad Panda's. /u/ won another insane knockout match and moved on to the final day. You won't believe who they got to play again! Oh, yeah, it's /b/! Just as everyone started to assume another /u/-/sp/ knockout match was happening, /b/ ripped /sp/ apart and secured a rematch with /u/. This time, both teams actually had to play for something. And almost immediately after the match started, /u/ got the rarest gift of all: a non-shootout penalty kick. Management figured that instead of having a medal player take the kick, the call would go to Mistress Baiser, starting her second match against /b/. Amazingly, the call worked and Baiser scored, joining the insanely long list of goalscoring /u/ nonmedal CMFs. /b/ and /u/ traded goals for the rest of the half, with #REKT scoring twice either side of Purest Form of Love. Homucifer turned out with the only goal of the second half as /u/ again defeated /b/ and moved on to the semifinals, where they would play an /adv/ on a miraculous run. /adv/ even scored first against /u/! And then /u/ were up 3-1 fifteen minutes later. Wait a minute, /adv/ just scored before the halftime whistle and then scored shortly after the second half began! Homucifer scored at the nicest minute to make it 4-3. The madness stopped there. /u/ won, successfully ending one miracle run and clinching yet another final appearance. Against.../vp/? Yeah. /vp/. The team everyone likes to laugh at for not being close enough.

The last time /u/ played /vp/, it was about as nuts as PES14 could reasonably allow. Now, /vp/ were on a hot streak. They won the last match of their group stage, breezed past /tv/ in their first knockout match, ended an extraordinary /vr/ run right at the end, and squeaked past a solid /w/. /vp/ made a final and nobody could take it away from them. /u/, on the other hand, were a team everyone expected to be there. That's never been something /u/ had to deal with. Citizen Snips scored first for /vp/, only for Purest Form of Love to score almost immediately after. Then score again seventeen minutes later. Then assist Homucifer in making it 3-1 at halftime. /vp/ and /u/ traded goals in the second half, but /u/ were always one step ahead and the final stats indicated they were likely another step ahead. For a final with eight goals in it, this was relatively anti-climactic. But /u/ won anyway, 5-3. Their third cup win ever, one with moments of genuine dominance mixed in with total insanity. Just as any good cup-winning /u/ team operates. This time, things didn't carry as much meaning and /u/ wouldn't need to put another lily on their logo, but it was still a special run nonetheless. Purest Form of Love won the Golden Boot, all on her own, with her devilish friend finishing third in the race. Thirteen goals to eleven. Feito-chan was the top assister with a total of seven assists, and even a Madokami that had long since taken a back seat in terms of actually winning matches for /u/ added another Golden Glove to her trophy case. /u/ were the Team of the Tournament, had the Player of the Tournament, and had the Best Model of the tournament. So of course, the people who voted for auties decided to use the space to play a practical joke, also giving them the award for Least Exciting Team. /u/ are that kind of team. Oh yeah, and /u/ got to play in another Elite Cup right after. That sounds important.

2022 4chan Winter Cup: Breaking the curse

Summer 2018: Won the previous cup they took part in, crashed out in the group stage. Winter 2021: Won the previous cup they took part in, crashed out in the group stage. Surely this time things would be different?

The team found itself in group B alongside /pol/, /int/ and fellow Autumn group G survivors /b/. Despite the group's name, /pol/ mistakenly thought they were the only ones allowed to do any sort of rallying, and Kyle Rittenhouse fired a shot to signal their devious intentions, but it was a false promise for them. Homucifer took the wheel and revved up the team's proverbial engine, sliding into the lead of the match with a sick flick into the top corner that would make even the Scandinavians blush. Akkarin sealed /pol/'s fate, giving /u/ a well-deserved 3-1 victory. The girls then rocked up to the brand new Commiesseum thinking they could employ the same aggressive tactics, but /int/ had a clever trick up their sleeve: get Alberto Barbosa to score an early goal, then grab the tallest, fattest American they could find and put them in their fabled Hard Bus. It worked against /b/, and sure enough, it worked against our girls as well, a simple 1-0 marking their first defeat since the spaghetti-filled /sci/ match the previous cup. With /pol/ also winning their respective match, /u/ needed a win to secure their qualification... and they couldn't do it. /b/ had already been eliminated at this stage, and their manager left the players a single note: "do whatever you want". Doing whatever they want is /b/'s specialty, and with nothing to gain or lose, they took a scary 3-2 lead late in the second half, but the generous 4 minutes added on gave Homucifer just enough time to remember PES 21's most basic lesson: "turn and curl". The match ended 3-3, and with Hitler's prayers for a last minute counteroffensive never being answered, /u/ narrowly secured a spot in the knockouts on goal difference.

The round of 16 is as far as the girls would go though, as while Purest Form of Love and Homucifer did their best to respond to Hulk Hogan's hat trick, /pw/ overwhelmed them in extra time, with two more goals eliminating /u/ from contention. Two consecutive elite cups, two first round losses at the hands of /asp/, both by two goals. Some things never change... but others do, as /u/ finally broke their post-championship group stage curse and qualified for the 2022 Summer Cup.

2022 4chan Summer Cup: One too many summer drinks

The girls groaned at the thought of having to deal with more rallying puns as they were once again drawn in group B. This time, /r9k/ joined them, as did the mandrama loving friends at /pw/. Not only was their blue coat of paint here to stay, but this time they brought with them their extreme brothers, /xs/. The puns that /u/ were worried about, however, were nowhere to be seen, as they were instead met with a more familiar sight: the sight of glorious victory.

The night before the first match, /r9k/ rocked up on 352 Street and caused a ruckus, fully intent on ruining the girls' sleep. Little did they know that /u/, at the last moment, had decided to change hotels and stay at a place that would soon become very familiar to all: /v/'s home, 343 Avenue. Feito-chan and Homucifer slept particularly well, and it took them less than half an hour to start their siege. Their first victim: /r9k/'s Wizard, who was so stunned at being touched by a girl that he didn't notice the ball slip from under his feet while still in his own team's box. A mere 7 minutes later, not wanting to be outdone by both her beloved and the other devil on the team, Nanoha headed the ball backwards and received the first of many such gifts this cup: an aerial through ball. Asumi got so comfortable with it that she did it again before the end of the half: another through ball, another exquisite display of ball control and another goal for the White Devil. She would complete her well deserved hattrick before the 60 minute mark, and >tfw no gf's brief response did little to stem the gay tide. A 4-1 win was exactly what /u/ needed to kick off their summer campaign.

Next up: /pw/. By the second week, the might of the 343 Diamond formation had become abundantly clear, with other teams scrambling to figure out how to defend against it. /pw/ gambled on two things: nerves, and a stacked midfield. For the first hour, this seemed to work, courtesy of an early goal from Hulk Hogan, but a diagonal slice from Feito-chan and a now-classic turn&curl from Homucifer turned the game around in their favor. With /pw/ being exhausted and the fear of a third successive loss being replaced with the fear of the 9-point curse, the ever-beloved (?) couch found the perfect opportunity to remind the world that they've got plenty of impact when it comes to divegrass matches, scoring an own goal that looked more impressive than most of /pw/'s other chances. A quick post-match scolding ensured that they wouldn't lose their heads like this ever again.

With 4 points in hand, /u/ headed to the Setouchi Keijo Training School for their final group stage match against /xs/. Homucifer scored yet another curler early on, only for the fans to start complaining that they couldn't see the ball on the official broadcast. Their worries about missing out on any potential action were completely unfounded though: with a 1-goal win being enough for /u/ to secure a spot in the knockouts and the already eliminated /xs/ still holding a grudge against their brothers over Hulk Hogan's 90+2' winner in the opening round, the two teams agreed to do something truly extreme: sleep through the remaining 80 minutes of the match. Can you blame the girls for wanting to conserve as much energy as possible for their first Round of 16 elite knockout match in 2 years?

With said knockout match came the return of a classic question: what genitals should girls have? It wasn't the only question /d/ was intent on posing, as they took the 343 to a whole new level with not one, not two, but three attacking midfielders. In, however, stepped Sachiko in the 28th minute, decisively turning a potentially dangerous /d/ counterattack on its own head, with Homucifer exploiting this opportunity to open the scoreline in /u/'s favor with a curler launched from outside the box. In came question #3 from /d/ though: "all out offense at 60' - good, or no good?"... and out came /u/'s answer: 3-1, with Homucifer and Nanoha nullifying /d/'s corner header by making a mockery of the now overly exhausted /d/efense.

And with that, the girls secured a spot in the final day of an elite cup for the first time since Summer 2020! They celebrated by drinking and partying all night long, having completely forgotten that they never switched back to their original hotel after the /r9k/ match. They were still on 343 Avenue. And who owned the place? /v/, who had no qualms with tampering with everyone's drinks going into the final day. While the medal players handled it the best they could, with Nanoha wasting no time in leading the team to the front, the CBs couldn't hold their drinks nearly as well and promptly collapsed on the pitch, refusing to wake up even as Sanic and Todd Howard put 4 goals past them. An anti-climactic finish for /u/, but a funny one for everyone: as it turns out, /v/ did such a good job with the drink tampering that this would end up being their smallest win of the night. They sent /fit/ to Brazil, /n/ to Spain and themselves all the way to the top, winning the cup in dominant fashion as the team that popularized the formation in the first place. The organizers, having seen enough, sent in a couple of bulldozers to demolish 343 Avenue in its entirety, and the girls would have to join everyone else in finding a different path to victory next winter.

2023 4chan Winter Cup: Fall from grace

The /v/inter cup marked the first time since the Ninth Founding that all the vidya sister boards qualified for the same elite cup. One hosted by /v/, no less. That's pretty cool. Two of them, /vrpg/ and /vg/, joined /u/ in group F, as did good old /y/. The girls briefly borrowed /nepgen/'s kits and allowed some of their more vidya-inclined sisters a rare chance to prove their worth on the pitch. In hindsight, however, this might not have been the greatest of ideas.

The first match against Autumn 2022 champions /vg/ should've been a real thriller, but it quickly turned into more of a comedy. An early goal from Purest Form of Love forced them to go on the offensive... at least, it should've, but perhaps still mindbroken by his team's stunning defeat at the hands of fellow striker wegh's /twg/ in the previous /vg/ league, /akg/'s Zero Sanity showed zero interest in actually doing anything useful. Almost out of pity, /u/ gave them a whole hour to respond and even wegh himself selflessly dropped into the midfield to try and encourage him, but he simply wouldn't budge. Homucifer and Nanoha finally put /vg/ out of their misery with /u/ taking a commanding 3-0 win, but while the match was over, the story wasn't, as everyone was so focused on Zero Sanity and his abhorrent performance that they completely lost sight of captain Git Gud, who joined him in receiving a 4.5 rating, marking one of the only times that a team received two such ratings for medal players in the same match.

But then came the /y/ match. The girls, having themselves not noticed Git Gud's absence, mistakenly thought they were the real deal this cup and... promptly forgot to show up for the team's practice sessions. If they had, they would've probably noticed a very conspicuous vehicle parked outside the /u/ grounds. In the match itself, Yaranaika took advantage of a brief moment of spaghetti in /u/'s defense to open the scoreline. He then snuck out for a couple of moments, fully trusting the team and its 7 other defenders to hold the line, and then promptly returned, now at the wheel of Chelsea FC's majestic old bus which he proceeded to park in front of the /y/ goal. He took his sweet time giving it a new green coat of paint as the girls completely lost their heads trying to figure out how to bypass it. Akkarin gave the team some hope in the 68th minute, but the only reason she scored was because Yaranaika simply forgot to close one of the windows. He rectified the mistake, finished the repainting process and honked twice in the 81st and 95th minutes, with Gerudo Link and Traps having no trouble responding to their captain's signal, defeating /u/ by 3 goals to 1.

All of a sudden the girls had to, you know, actually try to win for a change. Unfortunately for them, they went in the exact opposite direction and trained themselves to exhaustion, forgetting that their last match against /vrpg/ was an away match. Homucifer had no problems with this: you don't need stamina to turn&curl, and she could just fly if she wanted to head the ball into the net. She did both of these, but WaKKKa and Dagoth responded in kind, cheered on by all the other vidya teams. And then came the 63rd minute. Remember how I said that the team gave some of its more vidya-inclined members a rare chance to play in an official match? Not all of them particularly wanted that, yet they were forced to anyway. This is how Minase Ichigo took Yaya's place this match, despite heavy rumors that she was more into baseball instead. Annoyed by the deafening cheers of the home fans, she lost her composure and showed the world why she's known as a disaster lesbian by fouling Dagoth in prime Free Kick Free Goal territory. One painfully obvious Free Kick Free Goal, 27 grueling minutes and a 3-2 loss later, /u/ were sent back to the babbies. (Group) F in the chat.

2023 4chan Spring Babby Cup: End of an era

As spring rolled around, /u/ found themselves once more in the all-too-familiar-by-now group B, joined by /m/, /trv/ and /w/. The tension in the camp was palpable: the organizers had taken the unprecedented decision to roll back to a previous version of the game, PES 2019, but with a special patch built in that further shuffled the pecking order. /w/ matched /u/'s tactics with their own 4213, but with the 433 being far from /u/'s most familiar shape, it took /w/ very little time to exploit the wobbly defense, a deft lob over the top from Powerlevel to Waifu Walls opening the scoreline. Homucifer would respond before the end of the half, but even her attempt looked clumsy, nearly missing the ball altogether and having to shield it from the goalkeeper before tapping it in. /w/ continued to play comfortably: Powerlevel delivered a rocket into the top corner at the start of the second half, Waifu Walls repeated the process a mere 6 minutes later, then Powerlevel took advantage of an excruciatingly poor pass to bump the scoreline from 1-1 to a whopping 4-1 in /w/ favor. /trv/'s scouts watched closely as Tsumugi's rapid-fire mistakes sparked an argument among the defenders, with her eventual substitution doing little to stem the tide. The match ended 2-5, as a lucky break from Purest Form of Love was swiftly shut down by Waifu Walls completing her hattrick.

Next up: /m/. A fresh opportuni-- ah, nevermind, they already scored. Megas XLR received the ball unmarked and Akkarin was baited into pressuring, only for Mazinger Z to slip through both her and her CB partner Yokoe and score. Not the ideal start... but things would take something of a funny turn in the following minutes. Purest Form of Love took advantage of two /m/ defenders running into one another to score a cheeky equalizer, then at half-time, in a bid to stop /m/ from continuing to save every other shot they take, Feito-chan moved closer to the cen-- oh who am I kidding, she just wanted to be closer to Nanoha. PFoL joined her, creating a silly little central clump. Personally, I think trying to merge together on the pitch is something only the likes of /m/ ought to try, but who am I to judge? /m/'s series of blunders continued as a lousy corner was inexplicably missed by the /m/ defenders and goalkeeper, leaving Homucifer with an easy tap-in. /m/ finished their humiliating performance with Megazord going all the way into /u/'s side of the pitch to follow Homucifer only for her to flick it off to Feito-chan who now had an entire half all to herself. A 3-1 victory. A light at the end of the tunnel perhaps?

The light came from an oncoming car, and out of said car stepped one Josefa Yurinho. Traveling from the faraway land of Portu-gal, Josefa offered a... unique suggestion to the team: If neither Tsumugi nor Akari could defend properly, why not just avoid running fullbacks altogether? And she didn't mean running a 3-at-the-back defense, oh no no no. FOUR-at-the-back. No less than four CBs. Bocchi t-t-tried to intervene, but of course, she was overruled. And so came the match against /trv/... and they looked comfortable. If this was mathematics, you'd be forgiven for thinking that running four CBs would give you four times more defense down the center. Unfortunately, even if you'd been right, Yaya and Yokoe skipped those lessons. Both tripped over one another in quick succession, and by the 21st minute the Chinese Tour Group had already scored twice. Akkarin and Bocchi were quickly rushed onto the pitch, but the damage had already been done. Remember how I said that Josefa Yurinho *traveled* from the faraway land of Portu-gal? Yeah, she'd been scouting for /trv/ all along. Purest Form of Love quickly scored to give the team some hope, but the girls were so confused and desperate that they couldn't find the net anymore after that, with the tourist group sealing the deal in the closing stages of the match.

And just like that, /u/'s decade-long record of consecutive elite cup appearances ended with a whimper. Never before had the girls been forced to fight their way out of the fetus, yet this is where they found themselves going into the 2023 autumn qualifiers. As if to further pour salt into the wound, /m/ would go on to win the 2023 Summer Cup, with /trv/ securing their own top 4 finish. Ouch.

2023 4chan Autumn Babby Cup Qualifiers: Rock bottom?

"Even Womanchester United was relegated once" was the biggest thought on every girl's mind as they were once again drawn into group B, this time joined by /aco/, /vmg/ and recent bullies /w/. As if to remind us that the pain had only just begun, Shygal cut in between the defenders and scored an early goal. Homucifer leveled the playing field just 6 minutes later in what would turn out to be /u/'s only shot on target. They had 4 times as many of those, but the ever stalwart Madokami eased everyone's suffering by doing what she does best: saving. A lot. 1-1 - not great, not terrible.

Next came /vmg/. Borrowing the services of Aoi Erika seemed to work out quite well for them, making /w/ look toothless in their first match. They were the clear favorites... right up until they arrived at Astraea Hill.

Red. Everything was red. It was as if heaven itself burned red. Aoi was absent - conspicuously so, some thought, but she was just trying to protect the place from a decidedly bored RedCrimson who really wanted to attend the match but forgot its match ticket. Sure enough, /vmg/ took what looked like a commanding lead early on: That's How Mafia Works smashed both the ball and poor Asumi's leg in the 7th minute and Nokia 3310 followed it up with a Free Kek Free Goal before the quarter-hour mark. And then the world turned on its head. Despite having had no training as a striker in many months, Feito-chan joined the two devils up top. 4213 - the exact same shape as /vmg/. For the entire rest of the match, Feito-chan would push up only to drop back down, confusing the /vmg/ players while also giving herself ample space to assist in the buildup. And that's how she succeeded in opening the floodgates. Purest Form of Love made /vmg/ dance, dance, dance to the tune of her music in the 25th minute, then a mere couple of minutes later she dropped back to cover Joker before dropping the hammer on the defense. Nanoha, like she always likes to do, dragged the team into the lead of the match in the 35th minute and then proceeded to double the lead almost immediately, thanks in no small part to Feito-chan who was thriving in her offensive role, creating chances like it was child's play. She didn't stop there either, repeating the process with a diagonal ball to Homucifer at the start of the 2nd half. Essex forgot the script for a moment and actually scored a goal for /vmg/, only to be put back in her place by Homucifer, breaking /vmg/'s back for good. Feito-chan herself added one more to the pile just before the final whistle, making it 7-3 - at long last, a big, juicy victory for the girls, with Homucifer netting no less than 5 assists in the process.

Oh yeah, we also played /w/ again afterwards. Nothing happened there. No, really, literally nothing happened with the match ending 0-0. Thankfully 5 points were enough to take the team into the babby cup proper. As for Aoi? I have no clue what came of her. I assume she and the others just grabbed their complimentary skill guide and nordstrom crystal and went home, because /vmg/ also advanced from this group.

2023 4chan Autumn Babby Cup: Downward spiral

The 7-3 was nice and all, but that was just one out of 3 matches. In the other two, the girls scored just one goal in total. Fearing a quick elimination, they made the call to switch their tactics for the main cup. What didn't change, however, was the group: B once again, this time joined by /k/, /xs/ and fellow fetus survivors /mlp/. Perhaps they should've stuck with their old ideas, however, because /xs/ were significantly more alert now than the last time the two teams faced. Homucifer in particular looked lousy, completely unable to bring any counterattacks to life as she kept getting dispossessed by the well-positioned /xs/ defenders with /u/ being stuck in their own half for much of the match. But hey, at least one cool thing happened before everything went to shit: in the 22nd minute, Madokami parried a vicious strike upwards, but the ball nearly fell into the net anyway with her flying back and catching it just on the line. It was her 300th save too. Pretty cool. What wasn't cool was He Burned My Patch opening the scoreline in /xs/'s favor, running into the box completely unmarked near the end of the first half. Tony Hawk then turned the match into a real existential nightmare for /u/, with Feito-chan's last minute response doing little to salvage the girls' honor. 2-1 - once again, not a good start.

And a bad start is exactly not what you need when your next match is against a team that's filled with equal parts autism and history. Donning their red and black outfits, a very spooky /u/ welcomed /mlp/, but /mlp/ had something more spooky in mind: reverse kekoff abuse, and a deep run from Best Pony. 2 goals down in 12 minutes - something had to change. Purest Form of Love and Nanoha swapped places, but it was Feito-chan who offered the first response. Homulilly equalized with an unmarked run near the end of the first half, but seemingly not content with scoring just a reverse kekoff abuse goal, /mlp/ got some proper kekoff action going in the second half to retake the lead. The rest of the match was an endless back&forth, with Derpy Hooves saving most of /u/'s attempts and /u/'s defense doing the same to /mlp/'s, before finally Purest Form of Love rocketed the ball in from a corner kick. 3-3 was not the result they were looking for, certainly not against a fellow fetus survivor, but at least it meant that the girls still had some hope ahead of the final group stage match against /k/.

They needn't have bothered, because the only one who seriously showed up for that match was none other than Bocchi. Yes, she scored! Too bad it was the team's only goal that match. The White Death smashed the ball into the top corner from a low cross in the 23rd minute, and then he, Is That a FAMAS?, Zergface and Cheeki Breeki took turns humiliating the defense on their way to 9-pointing the group. To make things worse, not only did /mlp/ advance from this group, but they would go on to finish runner-up overall. I've honestly lost track of how many times a team from the fetus ended up finishing 2nd overall in the last year or two, because it somehow keeps happening. Our descent into the deepest depths of hell also continued, with /u/ being sent right back to the fetus. Double ouch.

2024 4chan Spring Babby Cup Qualifiers: One more try

And so, 2023 came and went. For this cup we once again traveled back to the past, to the distant lands of PES 2016. Could a fresh environment be what the girls needed after the dismal PES 2019 campaigns? They once again took up their apparently designated spot in group B, this time partnered by /x/, /wg/ and /an/. This qualifier also saw a shifting of the old guard, with Utena switching places with Feito-chan to become the team's new second silver player, the two lining up alongside one another to lead the team's bulky 352 midfield.

Early on, it looked as though Feito-chan simply forgot that she was supposed to no longer have 88 in all stats, as a slide worthy of a gold player saw her flick the ball past two defenders and to Purest Form of Love who broke the deadlock in the 18th minute. /x/ were lucky that things didn't get worse before the end of the first half, with Jesus saving no less than 5 shots. It was actually /x/-tan who scored the next goal, bringing the match level again as Yokoe's momentary lapse in judgement caused her to lose the ball in the box. But then came the substitutions, with Feito-chan passing the baton to Ange, and while on the bench, she and the other supais came up with a plan: no matter what, someone needs to be up top to take advantage of any potential mistakes, but if Homulilly's being so constantly denied, why not have her be the one to cause those mistakes in the first place? And that's exactly what happened, tracking all the way back to where Cthulhu was to head a poor goal kick down to her team. Ange immediately ran into the freshly made gap, found nobody ready to cover her, and retook the lead of the match. Yokoe, not to be outdone, promptly messed up again and allowed /x/-tan to equalize for a second time, only for Ange to repeat the process. A cheeky backheel from Nanoha while seemingly everyone else engaged in a bizarre on-pitch orgy finally pushed /u/ out of reach. A good 4-2 win, but the job wasn't done quite yet.

Next came /wg/. A pre-cup emergency left their players scrambling to figure things out for themselves with nobody to guide them, but they were by no means toothless. It took a while for the girls to get used to the constant pressure applied by /wg/'s 451, with Helios and Cunt Destroyer sneaking a couple of goals in to make up for Homucifer and Akkarin's efforts. Baiser, having failed to score a single goal so far, briefly took over as manager and changed things up, bringing the dollhouse in and putting herself alone at the tip of the midfield pentagon. It took no time whatsoever for this mixup to be rewarded with her first goal as a medal player, and Purest Form of Love put the game away for good, first with a laserbeam from outside the box and then with an easy tap-in after a crucial tackle by Bocchi inside /wg/'s own box. /wg/ went all in on the aggression afterwards, but they couldn't stop the game from finishing 5-2 in /u/'s favor, with the girls being guaranteed promotion with one match to spare.

They therefore relaxed in their final match against /an/ - while the vet and the outdoor cat still had something to play for, they barely managed to squeeze in one goal, with Purest Form of Love's response 28 minutes later sinking them for good. A year prior, they'd charged from the very same qualifiers all the way up to 2nd place in the cup proper. This year, they were eliminated for good. A shame, but there was little time to mourn, for the girls needed to carry their momentum into the main cup.

2024 4chan Spring Babby Cup: End of an error

You know exactly which group /u/ ended up in. *B*elieve me, you do. /ck/, /fa/ and /tv/ joined them. Fittingly, /u/'s last official non-fetus PES 2016 match was against /ck/, and the girls wanted revenge... well, some of them did at least. Homucifer certainly had no problems scoring early on, but neither did the couch... in their own net. Hey, it'd been nearly two years since their last fuck-up, maybe they'd just forgotten about the scolding they were given. Surely one more would do the trick. /ck/ had packed the same tactics that had eliminated /u/ in the painful winter of 2019, and while they weren't creating many chances, they certainly looked clinical. Goals, many goals, were needed in order to counteract any potential comebacks. Purest Form of Love retook the lead with 30 minutes to go, only for her efforts to be nullified by a second defensive blunder as Madokami accidentally ran out and cleared a loose ball straight into the path of Fast Food Autism. "Not a problem," said Akkarin, as she shrugged off no less than 3 /ck/ midfielders to deliver a crucial through ball to Purest Form of Love. Yes, /ck/ responded again 3 minutes later, but the girls had learned a bit of cooking in the last 5 years. Not much, just enough to know how to make a good sandwich. The filling? Some nice, juicy kekoff abuse, courtesy of a vicious run from Homucifer. It was enough to grant /u/ a 4-3 victory - a very narrow win, but with their last main cup campaign featuring exactly 0 wins, it was a win they had to take.

Next up: /fa/. Remember the 9-2? Yokoe certainly did, because she looked extra spooked on the pitch, tripping over herself and allowing Raf Simons to score an early goal. Feito-chan swiftly tied the game up with a run down the right half-space, with Homucifer pushing /u/ to the front at 34', somehow managing to score with her back turned away from the net. She probably just wanted to look cool while making sure that we at least got our two complimentary goals. Sachiko, on the other hand, looked anything but cool when Sleazecore dribbled right past her at the start of the second half. Baiser also looked rather uncool, but in a good way, being content to play second fiddle and provide crucial passes all match. And her last one was particularly special, flicking the ball slowly but decisively above the defenders and towards Purest Form of Love for a 90+' tap-in. With /fa/ no longer having time to respond, the girls won their second successive revenge match by 3 goals to 2. 6 points - can you even recall the last time /u/ got this many points in a non-qualifier group stage?

Of course, I'm mainly asking because that's all they would get. Purest Form of Love was still in perfect form as she scored an early goal against /tv/ in the final group stage match, but everyone else looked content to just play around without a care in the world. They lost the match 1-2, but it didn't matter, as just prior to this /fa/ had gone full murder-suicide on their autopilot brothers /ck/, their 6-4 win ensuring that /tv/ and /u/, both on 6 points, would both safely advance from the group regardless of the final match's result.

Should the girls have tried harder? Maybe. In the round of 16 they ran right into /mlp/ again, and /mlp/ used this opportunity to show off their brand new defensive tactics. The girls were completely unprepared for this, with only Science Babies managing to get on the scoreboard as /mlp/ scored 3 and cleanly dealt with them on their way to winning the spring cup. The quest to win all four seasonal cups would have to wait a bit longer - for now, /u/ would have to do something they hadn't done in a year and a half: play in an elite cup. Hopefully without being eliminated in the group stage again.

2024 4chan Summer Cup: Resurgence

/u/'s lackadaisical behavior in the matches against /tv/ and /mlp/ the previous cup was not received well by the fans, and their complaints were heard loud and clear. Purest Form of Love stepped away from the team for a couple of months - sure, she couldn't easily disguise herself as an innocent bystander like /trv/'s Josefa Yurinho had last year, but she could still observe the other teams' training from afar. Her findings made a certain pattern clear to see: with Spring's rule changes still in effect, 433s were king. And not just any 433s: 433s featuring multiple non-medal strikers, who for whatever reason were given a large supply of performance-enhancing drugs that would put them on almost the same level as their silver medal counterparts. Since 6 medals is clearly greater than 4, PFoL suggested emulating them, and the girls obliged. Nanoha in particular dropped into a defensive midfielder role - she's pretty good at busting and breaking from afar anyway so nobody had any complaints about it.

Oh yeah, /u/ dodged group B this time. Group F is basically just the edgy woman's group B though, so it hardly made a difference. They found themselves in a pretty rough group though: /vrpg/, the team that eliminated the girls in the winter of 2023; /wg/ with their refined but still scary 5-man midfield; and worst of all, /co/, winners of the 2023 Spring Cup and runner-ups in the 2024 Winter Cup, still in top form and looking more eager to fight than ever before.

First up, /vrpg/, and-- oh, Akari's scored already. Eager to show off just how good those PEDs really were, she promptly ran past Homucifer and past the /vrpg/ defenders to give /u/ the lead early on. Nanoha needed no such boosts: all she needed were her eyes, and what her eyes saw 15 minutes later was Akkarin exploiting her unsighted nature to make another run, which she dutifully rewarded with an aerial through ball. 2-0 in the space of 17 minutes became 3-0 in the space of a single half as Homucifer, with her head of all things, chipped the GK after some clever pressure up top. Whatever half-time talk the /vrpg/ players received only seemed to make them give up more, as Purest Form of Love's weak shot from the edge of the box somehow found its way into the back of the net at the start of the second half. Homucifer, too, added one more to the pile 10 minutes later. Right at the end, Dagoth was heard saying "fuck this, I'm going to Spain", not realizing that he'd be taking the whole team with him with his last minute goal.

A 5-1 win in hand and morale rising, /u/ headed to the Battlestation for a rematch against /wg/, but this one wasn't going to be nearly as simple. An unfortunate anon made the horrible mistake of announcing it's his birthday right in the middle of a /u/ attack, and with everyone paying attention to him and himself paying attention to... well, nothing, Baiser flicked a rebounding shot into the net. That didn't dampen their spirits though: it may not have been a Sunday, but Helios was still every bit as content as ever to shine on the pitch, equalizing in the 32nd minute after an elegant 1-2 combination. Descartes then made another mistake: he put his team in front in the 69th minute, not realizing that this is exactly the way you power up Baiser who immediately equalized again. Baiser, too, made a mistake when she equalized so quickly though, having forgotten that this is PES 2016, the land of goals galore. /wg/, now knowing who to watch out for and no longer being distracted by the PED-fueled Macarons and Akkarin, scored one more with 10 to go and defended like hell. The finale was a tense one: /u/'s midfield and attacking layers rotated once more, putting Homucifer back in the center... which is also where that unfortunate birthday anon was still located. After all, his birthday wasn't over yet, so he thought he was still the center of attention. A swift tackle from a still fired-up Baiser and one desperate diagonal shot from Homucifer later, the scoreline read 3-3 instead of 2-3, right in time for the ref to blow the whistle.

/co/: 6 points. /u/: 4 points. /wg/: 1 point. /vrpg/: 0 points. /co/ looked mighty, only using as much energy as was needed to win, meaning /u/ would have to fight hard for at least one point... that is, they would've, had Dagoth not had other plans. You see, his trip to Spain only lasted a week, but a week was all he needed in order to find the biggest, baddest stash of PEDs imaginable. He did the sensible thing and gave them all to WaKKKa, who narrowly missed the flight and wanted nothing more than to vent his frustrations. And vent them he did: three times over in fact, as /vrpg/ beat /wg/ 5-3 and closed the group prematurely, killing all the hype. Damn. Seeing this, the girls decided to experiment by doing the opposite: avoiding the PEDs altogether and seeing if they still stood a chance. Spoiler alert: no, they didn't. /u/ lost by 2 goals to nothing, but gained something far more important: a place in the elite knockouts, their first in 2 years.

The round of 16 saw the girls return to the Commiesseum. They brought their Russian passports. /int/ brought their mighty offense. Time and time again, Homucifer, having forgotten her pink tracksuit, was bullied by the defense, leading to many a counterattack on their part. Nevertheless, it was Ange who struck first. /int/ struck back just before the end of the first half - a shame, really, as the added morale boost would've been really helpful. At least Homucifer took back the lead, but that's the last time they'd take a shot for almost the entire rest of the match. /int/ dialed everything up to 11 at this point, going to their more aggressive possession-focused 442 which peppered Madokami with shots. One of them slipped past her with 15 minutes left on the clock, owing in no small part to another couch fuck-up, and as Nanoha became more and more exhausted it looked for all the world like they would do it again, or that they would at least claim victory in extra time. Yet to extra time we did not go: I don't exactly know what Homucifer was thinking at this point, but in the last minute of regulation time she tracked all the way back into /u/'s own half to chase one of /int/'s wide players, not caring that this would leave the team with hardly anything up top in the event of a counterattack. But the girls did not need her for that, as Purest Form of Hardbass pushed right into the gap she left in the offense and scored an unlikely goal. /u/ had only taken 3 shots on target to /int/'s 6, but they scored 3 goals to /int/'s 2 and that's all that mattered at the end of the day.

For the first time in two years, the girls found themselves in the final day of an elite cup. And with their journey to the top looking tougher than ever before, the call was made: no drinking. Not like last time. After all, they were going to save the drinks for poor old /sci/: sure, their calculated but aggressive approach had seen them triumph in the Autumn cup, following that up with a top 4 finish in Winter, but they could not have possibly calculated the pain that the girls were about to deliver unto them. And the pain started early: with Homucifer dropping slightly and Feito-chan and Akkarin to her side pushing up, /sci/'s defense had no clue how to line up, and all it took was a swift 1-2 for Homucifer to find herself unmarked and in a position from which it was mathematically impossible for her to not score. She was all over the pitch and all over the defense, and it took her just 15 minutes to score again, in much the same manner as before. In general, it seemed like whoever found themselves dead center in front of the goal always scored, as Akkarin did it herself at the 24' minute mark. Homucifer completed her hattrick not long later as the /sci/ defense, too busy thinking about whether 0.999... really does equal 1, miscalculated the height of a cross and gave Homucifer another easy tap-in. Kurisu managed to sneak in a last moment goal to make it 3-1 at the end of the first half, perhaps hoping that the unquantifiable force known as "momentum" would help them in the second half. They needn't have bothered, as time and again Sachiko did the work of 3 women by cutting out as many passes to Richard Feynman as she could. One of these interceptions resulted in Feito-chan's first goal 10 minutes into the second half, and it wouldn't be her last. /sci/ switched to their backup plan, the 343, but even the added midfield presence couldn't stop Feito-chan from scoring again at the usual designated substitution time, and she even went so far as to get her own hattrick with 17' to go. Those PEDs sure seemed good, huh? Thanks to some kekoff abuse and a distinct hatred of Brazil, Richard Feynman at least scored another goal immediately afterwards, but by that point there was simply no way left for them to solve the problem of their impending loss. 7-2 and /u/'s first elite top 4 finish since Summer 2020... which they'd won. Could they do it again?

They had one hell of an opponent ready for them in the semifinal: /mlp/. Eyebrows were raised when they only managed to score 5 points in their group, but they quickly silenced all doubters with commanding victories against /a/ and /jp/. They also brought a sword with them. No clue why, but they did, perhaps thinking they could intimidate the girls with it. Before we can start talking about whether or not ponies can even hold swords in the first place, we first have to discuss more cutting matters, like Purest Form of Love cutting into the box and scoring in the 33rd minute. Maybe the ponies weren't expecting the girls to look all that sharp, especially not Madokami who saved no less than 4 shots in a single half. /mlp/ opted to up the aggression at half-time, but they were still afraid to bust out their more familiar formations for fear of ending up like /sci/ did. Not to worry though, as Purest Form of Love knew exactly how to force their hand: by scoring. /mlp/ finally swapped to their X-shaped 433 and all hell broke loose. /mlp/ watched as Sachiko did to them what she did so many times to /sci/, with the resulting counterattack seeing Homucifer swiftly add another goal to the pile. It's not like /mlp/'s pressuring wasn't working, it's just that, after all these years, >rape looked like he'd finally found his limit. With cries of "IT'S COMING HOMU" echoing in the background, Homucifer briefly forgot which PES we were playing on and turn&curled her way to another goal. Meanwhile, poor >rape looked so washed that, when he scored his only goal, it wasn't even in stoppage time anymore, nor could he, Best Pony or anyone else for that matter do anything more to stem the bleeding. /u/ triumphed once more by 4 goals to 1...

...and found themselves in the final again. Just a little over 3 months ago, the girls were still in the babby qualifiers, still feeling the sting of losing that 10 year streak. /wsg/ joined them, wielding their own mighty 4213. Gondola led their charge, an early flight into the box seeing his team take the lead of the match, but said lead was turned upside down by none other than the dollhouse, scoring twice in 20-odd minutes. The ever-reliable Sachiko did her part in defense once more, briefly allowing everyone, players and fans alike, to forget who partnered her at the back:

The couch.

We wouldn't find out until after the match, but somehow they'd managed to get their hands on some of that old 343 Avenue whiskey, and thinking they were home free, they chugged it down. All of it. In one go. You could say that what followed was /u/'s own 9-11: first the Obligatory 9/11 Thread scored with 2 minutes of regulation time left, then Duane and Gondola scored in quick succession at the end of the first half of extra time, turning the match from a safe 2-1 victory into a 2-4 disaster. Out of desperation, Korisu let Tres Magia out of the dollhouse with the magical girls completing their hattrick, but the ref did not give the girls additional time to respond.

3-4. Like Icarus, /u/ had flown ever so slightly too close to the sun. Had Baiser and Nanoha felt just a little more fresh and especially had the damn couch not done its usual couch thing, /u/ would be the first 3-star team right now. As it stood, the girls would have to wait a little longer for that. If nothing else, at least their presence in the 2025 Winter cup was secured, but with the organizers once again changing the game's version to PES 2017 and banning PEDs for good, everything was once again up in the air. And no, the couch is still on the team. The girls are a forgiving bunch, after all.

One final note: recall, if you will, the group that /u/ was in this cup. Yeah. F in the chat once more.