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Rigged Wiki:Players of the week/2013

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Wednesday 2nd - Spacebat

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An icon.png
Height: 186cm
Weight: 86kg
Cards: S05, S16, S20
The brave little flying mammal who longed to reach the stars, Spacebat is the team captain, gold player and star striker of /an/. He was brought back from low-earth orbit to compete for the side and exploded onto the 4chan Cup scene, scoring four goals in his debut match against /po/ in the Spring Babby Cup. Spacebat has a taste for the spectacular, sporting the Jumping Volley and Double Touch skillcards, while Speed Merchant leaves most defenders in his wake. In recent months this winged wonder's performances have entered a slight lull with only a single goal to his name in the Autumn Babby Cup. Some have questioned whether the striker could live up to his reputation in PES 2013, but he went some way towards proving the doubters wrong with a quickfire double against /g/ in their recent friendly.

Wednesday 9th - Messi

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Height: 169cm
Weight: 63kg
Cards: S01, S05, P18
Lionel Andrés "Leo" Messi is /sp/'s talismanic gold center forward. What Messi lacks in stature he makes up for in class with unparalleled close control of the football and excellent mobility thanks to a low center of gravity. Messi has scored at least once in all but one of /sp/'s official tournament matches since the 2012 Winter Cup. Since the same tournament, his goals-per-game ratio in tournaments stands at 1.46 goals per game - a ratio more fruitful than some entire teams have recorded. The omnipresent S01 and S05 skillcards provide gold players with an extra edge, while P18 helps Messi capitalise on his all-round strength across the pitch. His greatest moment is a hattrick versus /int/ in the 2012 Summer Cup final (a certain comeback versus /d/ is a close second place). Messi's unceremonious ditching from the first team in place of bitter rival Who /a/ here? was perhaps his lowest point, but he wasted no time in re-establishing himself as /sp/'s star in time for the 2013 Winter Cup.

Wednesday 16th - Maya

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Height: 182cm
Weight: 72kg
Cards: S01, P04
Autodesk Maya is /3/'s silver player. Spending his earlier days as a second striker, Maya's role is now to play as a right wing forward, entrusted with the task of terrorising opposition left backs and supplying pinpoint passes to gold striker 3DS Max. Equipped with P04, he makes easy work of slower defenders and S01 allows for quick transfer of the ball to the center of the pitch (or back of the net). Maya didn't take long in finding his scoring boots, with five goals in five matches during /3/'s debut tournament and helping the team finish second to /m/. Unusually, Maya appears most score-happy in friendlies, with a double brace, hat-trick and two braces in four previous friendlies. A goalless Autumn Babby Cup last year likely failed to meet his expectations, so Spring will be a key opportunity for redemption.

Wednesday 23rd - Consentacles

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Height: 191cm
Weight: 68kg
Cards: S26
Consentacles is /d/'s starting goalkeeper and the team captain. While a polite and gentle soul with a delicate touch, he isn't afraid to defend his board's honour. Equipped with S26, he can use his many appendages to amazing effect with increased range on throws. Although on the end of the occasional thrashing in friendlies, Consentacles leaves his best work for tournaments. Letting only three goals by in the 2012 Spring Babby Cup group stage was enough to see /d/ through to the knockout stage, where an excellent clean sheet versus /toy/ guaranteed a place in the semi-finals where they only lost out to the indomitable /m/. Consentacles' opening match in the following Summer Cup was one to forget, but he bounced back with a clean sheet against /o/ in the following match and the team did enough to make it to the knockout stage, with yet another clean sheet coming against /pol/ in a 1-0 win. After a long wait Consentacles will be squirming to get back into official tournament action next month.

Wednesday 30th - The Flash

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The Flash
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Height: 196cm
Weight: 70kg
Cards: S01, S05, P18
The Flash is /co/'s gold striker and team captain. Wasting no time on his debut, he scored late on in a 3-2 victory against /o/ then bagged a hat-trick against /tg/ in their memorable ten-goal clash. After a barren spell, Flash lost his place in the starting line-up to Donald, but after series of frustrating performances from the pretender to the throne in the Summer, Flash was able to reclaim his gold standard. Outfitted with the common S01/S05 card combination for gold players, the emphasis is on speed and skill, while P18 allows a player to influence play across the pitch. True to his reputation, Flash is developing an uncanny penchant for scoring early, evidenced in the FLGS Cup and in their recent friendly versus /sp/. /co/'s Winter Cup hopes will depend on The Flash maintaining his deadly form and using relentless pace to consign rivals to the Babby Cup.


Wednesday 5th - Stormfront

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Height: 175cm
Weight: 77kg
Cards: S05, P06, P14
Stormfront is /pol/'s gold player. Backed up by the unlikely midfield partnership of Hitler and Jews, he is the central component of /pol/'s attack. As the spine of the side Stormfront uses his boundless powers of bigotry to overpower the opposition. One of his most famous moments was a four-goal demolition (in thirty minutes, no less) of /mlp/ in the Spring Babby Cup. Some Ponis still hear Erika in their sleep and are undergoing long-term therapy. The P06 card allows Stormfront to deliver highly-accurate passes to forwards, namely silver striker Doompaul, from range while P14 lets him take control with the ball and bear down on goal alone. The recent World Series invitational was a good warm-up for Stormfront who scored four times in the competition. Winter doesn't bring any easy matches but Stormfront will be placing his faith in the strength of White Pride to pull himself and /pol/ through to the knockout stage.

Wednesday 13th - Mangum

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Jeff Mangum
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Height: 205cm
Weight: 90kg
Cards: S01, S05, P08
Jeff Mangum is /mu/'s gold player and captain. No longer fully active on the music scene, he spends his free time leading his team, deploying the power of our Holy Messiah to smite enemy defenders. /mu/'s recent match against Winter Cup-holders /k/ turned the tournament on its head, and the attacking midfielder played a massive role in rewriting the record books for himself and the team. He scored the fastest ever five-goal haul, dispatching all of them in the space of fifty-four minutes, and lifted /mu/ to the (temporarily) greatest ever victory in 4chan Cup history. Mangum is equipped with the commonplace S01 and S05 cards for gold players, and is also run with P08, imbuing him with the desire to influence play from one end of the pitch to the other. A likely Round of 16 berth awaits for /mu/ in the Winter Cup, and while it remains to be seen whether Mangum can lead them to glory, recent form suggests it is a real possibility.

Wednesday 20th - Trollpost

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Height: 244cm
Width: 732cm
Cards: SXX, PXX
You see this? It's your reckoning. Your dream maker and heartbreaker. Trollpost is the arbiter of your fate. Taking the form of an inanimate metal frame measuring 8 yards wide by 8 feet high, it doesn't care whether your favourite team scores that sudden death penalty, or that injury time free kick, or that title-clinching goal. Its only job is to deflect, a role Trollpost has unflinchingly performed since the inception of the 4chan Cup. Trollpost has intervened far too many times to count this Winter, having a significant and irreversible effect on the outcome of the tournament. It will intervene again. It is waiting. Has it already denied your favourite team a goal? It doesn't matter. Trollpost will do it again when the time comes without a second thought. Prepare for the rebound.

Sunday 24th - Germanbro

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Also known by aliases including GB, NewTurkeybro, Portugalbro, rigbro, rigmaster, big rigger and le happy merchant, Germanbro is the founder of the 4chan Cup. Raised on the mean, sewage-ridden streets of /v/, he had a dream in which the boards of 4chan were united in the spirit of competition, where the highest bidder would claim glory in a highly elaborate and profitable money-making scheme. Hosting all but one major cup to date, not even he could have envisioned the way it capitvated the minds of thousands of people who have come to watch competitions ever since. Aside from hosting action-packed streams, making flawlessly accurate tactical changes with his state-of-the-art game controllers on reliable German internet, he entertained us with vidya, making abominable creatures in Spore, death rockets in Kerbal Space Program and sailing the seven seas in Sid Meier's Pirates in a scarily accurate facsimile of his real-life exploits - plundering innocent 4channers' wallets of all their gold. Let us also not forget Germanbro, forever immortalised as the striker of /ro11/, unashamedly using unfair advantage to humiliate all hard-working boards regardless of creed or colour. Most of all, let us not forget all the excellent moments we've shared with Germanbro as host, gamer, ruseman, and person who made the 4chan Cup possible. His flight to Brazil is booked. His suitcase is packed and his boundless riches have been transferred to an offshore bank account. He rigged it his way, and we are thankful.


Wednesday 13th - Takashi Natsume

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Takashi Natsume
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Height: 189cm
Weight: 85kg
Cards: None
Takashi Natsume is a center-back representing /cm/. Having been a mainstay of the side from its early days, those that dared cross his path risked having every bone in their body broken via a disgraceful and poorly-timed challenge. The Autumn Babby Cup was a rollercoaster ride for Natsume and everyone who witnessed his displays. 15 minutes into /cm/'s campaign, he gave away a penalty to /an/ and earned himself a booking with a poor challenge in the box. Thankfully Date Masamune made the same to keep his side level. Two matches later he made another lazy challenge to get a straight red in the dying moments of the match against /y/, leaving his team with a selection headache going into the knockout stage. Doing all he could to sabotage /cm/'s efforts, it's a wonder Natsume is still on the /cm/ roster at all. His performances provoked an angry reaction from manager KageyamasGhost !Amorw9dlQ2, and he was dropped from the starting line-up after the cup, though we had not seen the last of him. Spectators' heads turned and looked on as fear as Natsume come on in the 83rd minute against /x/ in the group stage of the recent Winter Cup. Thankfuly for everyone involved, no late tackles were thrown, no cards were brandished, and Nastume spared himself any embarrasing moments. He went one better in the quarter finals, starting the match and helping /cm/ to a well-earned clean sheet versus /a/. The path to redemption has been cleared for this firebrand player, but only time will tell whether he makes in-roads back into the starting eleven in time for the Summer.

Wednesday 20th - Bearforce

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Height: 192cm
Weight: 100kg
Cards: S02, S05, S20, P12
Eyebrows were raised when /hm/ manager Falcon71 dropped all-time top scorer Blonde Fernando Torres, along with a number of other players, for a shipment of new blood before the 2013 Winter Cup. One of those players was center-forward Bearforce. Little was made of /hm/'s chances going into the tournament but Bearforce had designs on taking a firm, hairy grip on proceedings. His first goal came late on against /v/ in /hm/'s second match of the group stage. While the goal was not enough to earn his side any points, it was merely a sign of things to come. After just eight minutes in their final group stage match against /ck/, Bearforce opened the scoring. It was to be his first of five in that match, very nearly six, were it not for Sad Crab saving his one-on-one effort at the death. BEAR. FORCE. ONE. was the chorus echoing throughout the stadium as hundreds of spectators watched on in homoerotically-charged awe. The match may have been somewhat inconsequential but the memory will likely prove to be lasting. With the new regulations now in place for Spring, Bearforce now has four cards. S02, S05 and S20 are handy additions to an already maxed-out repertoire, while P12 provides the predatory instinct required to better defences. While /hm/ may have made an exit from the Winter Cup at the hands of /a/, Bearforce left on a high by netting another goal in that match, and he will be hoping for more success come Summer having helped cement his side's top-tier status.

Wednesday 17th - Noobius Expedia

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Noobius Expedia
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Height: 198cm
Weight: 109kg
Cards: None
Noobius Expedia is a goalkeeper for /trv/. While not officially a member of the starting lineup he has traded places with Darien Gap regularly to get his fair share of tournament experience. His full tournament debut in the Autumn Babby Cup was a good one, keeping a clean sheet against (the slightly rigged) /cgl/. He gave way to Darien Gap for the following match but was back in goal for the final group stage game. Expedia had the very rare honour of scoring a free kick for his side against /sci/, curving the ball over the wall and into the top right corner from some 25 yards. He was back in goal for the next match, a Round of 16 showdown against /hm/. Unfortunately the match ended in a 3-0 defeat but the team had done enough to secure their top-tier status in the Winter, and Expedia had earned himself a spot in the Autumn's all-stars team. Come Winter he struggled to force his way into the starting lineup as Darien Gap started the first two matches of the group stage in the Winter Cup. He finally got his chance against /wg/ but disappointed as he conceded twice from three on-target shots to confirm /trv/'s drop back to Babby Cup level.

Wednesday 24th - Zyzz

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Height: 189cm
Weight: 82kg
Cards: S01, S05, P12, P16
Zyzz is /fit/'s talismanic gold center forward. A member of the squad since its formation in Summer 2011, the sculpted Zyzz has played a key role for /fit/ in tournaments ever since, helping the team to maintain Elite status, having never been relegated from the top tier of competition. Including his pre-resurrection appearances under the name Dead Zyzz, he has amassed a respectable total of 15 career goals. A hatrick versus /vg/ in the group stage of the 2013 Winter Cup was enough to earn Zyzz a man of the match award, and overall the striker totalled five goals and two assists in four matches during the tournament. Outfitted with two skillcards and two playstyle cards, S01 and S05 are near-enough standard for any gold player, while P12 and P16 turn Zyzz into a predatory striker ready to pounce on any opportunity. Often scoring in tandem with strike partner Tinytrip, the latter's promotion from silver to gold will hopefully lead to an even more fruitful goalscoring partnership. The goals show no sign of drying up after Zyzz netted as recently as this Spring's friendlies against /h/ and the forward will have sights on motivating /fit/ to make history and earn their first trophy come the Summer.


Wednesday 1st - Haunter

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Height: 187cm
Weight: 77kg
Cards: P07, P08
Perhaps the most handsome, definitely the most smug, Haunter is /soc/'s first-choice left midfielder. Haunter was an addition to the /soc/ squad in late Summer 2012 and made his full tournament debut at the Autumn Babby Cup of that year. It was there he experienced what was probably his most memorable moment, [scoring the goal] which gave /soc/ the lead in a thrilling 5-3 win against /gif/ during the group stage. /soc/ managed to advance to the Winter Cup, where Haunter again got on the scoresheet in a 5-2 defeat to /toy/ and again in a 7-0 demolition of /h/. With the new regulations he has been promoted to silver standard and now has a new card setup. P08 ensures Haunter is always there when /soc/ need him, covering the entirety of the pitch and never being afraid to make a tackle from deep. When going forward, P07 allows him to whip in crosses at will and catch the opposition defence off guard. Overall Haunter now has the makings of a standout player for /soc/, and time will tell whether he has what it takes to help /soc/ back to the top tier over the coming few weekends.

Wednesday 8th - Uguu

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Height: 180cm
Weight: 85kg
Cards: P02, P08
Ayu Tsukimiya, known by her moniker Uguu~, is a starting defensive midfielder for /c/. Beginning her career as a silver attacking midfielder, Uguu~ was a goalscoring threat early on in /c/'s history and has scored 3 of /c/'s 14 goals in official matches to date. Lacking communication skills on the pitch did not act to the detriment of her performance against /u/ last Autumn when she scored a brace, making her /c/'s top goalscorer for the tournament. A tactical overhaul in Spring 2013 saw Uguu~ move to the current defensive mifield position where she is now run with the P02 and P06 cards, though she is now just a default player having taken a demotion from silver. P02 gives the player the duty of playing in front of the back line as an additional line of defence, while P06 lets Uguu~ carve out attacking chances from deep within her own half. Spring has started well for /c/, and while Uguu~ made way for team mate Hanako midway through the second half in the first group stage match against /b/, she was still part of a confident 4-1 win. The following two matches will be make or break for /c/, and Uguu~ will likely play a central role in her side's fortunes against /fa/ and /co/.

Wednesday 22nd - Pyramid Head

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Pyramid Head
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Height: 204cm
Weight: 90kg
Cards: S01, S05, S06, P12
Pyramid Head is a gold center forward for /x/. Now an established and intimidating player for the team, Pyramid Head began life on the fringes. His tournament debut in Winter 2013 was low-key as he earned only a single cap, versus /sp/, and was subbed off after only fifty-five minutes. /x/'s performance at the cup was underwhelming and they would return in three months to fight to regain their elite status in Spring. Pyramid Head returned also - resplendent in rust and, true to his name, sporting a giant polygonal head. Now pushed to the head of the starting lineup as a gold player, his performances were integral to /x/'s success, scoring the goal versus /diy/ which secured the team's promotion to the Summer Cup. His work was by no means done as he scored once versus /po/ in the Round of 16, bagging a hat-trick versus /ck/ in the quarters and scoring again in a semi-final defeat to /mlp/. Pyramid Head finished joint second in the goalscorer rankings with eight goals. This is a player set up to be a goalscoring machine, playing at the center of an attack with S01, S05, S06 and P12, and measuring over two meters tall to create an aerial threat. Pyramid Head struck fear into his opponents this Spring but whether the Summer elite will fall foul to his prowess is another matter altogether.


Wednesday 5th - Nipaa

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Height: 179cm
Weight: 75kg
Cards: S05 P06, P12
Nipaa is a center forward for /f/. Nipaa began /f/ life on the sidelines but took her chance when chosen to start versus /gif/ in 2012's Autumn friendlies by scoring a first-half brace. She was soon bumped into the infamous five-man forward line of the team's 2012 Autumn Babby Cup campaign, though further goals were not forthcoming and that tournament was a fruitless one for the striker. In the long gap from Autumn to Spring, Nipaa scored once in each of /f/'s friendlies leading up to their next tournament outing, versus /jp/, /vp/, and bitter rivals /mlp/. Spring saw Nipaa head the /f/ attack as a lone striker. To help her on, she was promoted to silver and given three cards. S05, P06 and P12 are standard fare for any striker but give an important edge against 77-rated defences. /f/ were unable to advance from the group stage with only three points, but Nipaa made a good effort to bag goals against /ck/ and /sci/ before the side made their exit. An surprise turn of events saw /f/ advance to the Summer Cup in unusual circumstances. Fortuitous the circumstances may be, but /f/ will now get the chance to Nipaa against some of the best the 4chan Cup has to offer in August. Before then, Nipaa will do battle versus Uguu~ of /c/ in the battle of moonspeak gibberish in the Summer Cup friendlies.


Friday 12th - Cunt Destroyer

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Cunt Destroyer
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Height: 188cm
Weight: 79kg
Cards: S01, S05, S09, P16
Cunt Destroyer is a gold center forward for /wg/. He has been with the team since the beginning, and has earned his spot as the team's most identifiable face. In /wg/'s third game ever in the 2012 Summer Cup Friendlies, he scored a goal in the 8th minute against /jp/. Though /wg/ lost that game, it would begin Cunt Destroyer's distinguished career of destroying the defenses of /wg/'s opponents. /wg/ would then obliterate /sci/ 7-1 in the Autumn Friendlies with Cunt Destroyer leading with an astounding four goals, and even then it seems that he was only warming up. As /wg/ swept the Autumn Babby Cup, it was Cunt Destroyer at the front with 13 goals in total for the cup. He would also secure 6 goals during the 2013 Winter Cup, as well as /wg/'s status as an elite team. /wg/ returns for another shot at a main cup this summer, and make no mistake: Cunt Destroyer is no underdog.

Wednesday 24th - Accelerator

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Height: 189cm
Weight: 82kg
Cards: None
As long as there's been a 4chan Cup, Accelerator has tended goal for /a/. His mastery of vectors has secured him a spot in the starting roster since day one, and proved himself early on as a vital part of the team as /a/ won the inaugural 2011 Summer Cup. Fatigue, however, takes its toll even on psychotic anti-heroes, and Accelerator has struggled with fellow goalkeepers Korbo and Genzo Wakabayashi to be the final bulwark for /a/ with varying degrees of success. While /a/ has yet to capture a second title, the team has managed to avoid relegation to the babbies in every major cup since by utilizing a one-two punch of heavy offense and great defense from Accelerator, often resulting in large goal deficits in /a/'s favor. Accelerator has most recently displayed a commanding performance in the 2013 Summer Friendlies, pulling 5 impressive saves against /h/ and then 3 against /fit/ the following day. If Accelerator keeps up this performance in the upcoming Summer Cup, goals against /a/ are sure to be few and far between.

Wednesday 31st - Sauce

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Height: 189cm
Weight: 82kg
Cards: S05, S06, P03
Want to know who that woman with the fantastic jiggling booty is? Sauce! Want something more extensive to fap to than the same 14 second loop you've watched for the eighty-third time? Sauce! You want to score goals and get your lube in a giffy? Then your best bet is Sauce! Sauce is the gooey paste which unites all of /gif/, both the board and the team, and is the team's Captain and and recently-anointed Second Striker. Sauce and his completely unique co-player, Source, form the spearhead of /gif/'s offense. Though the team is is not a fan-favorite, Sauce, historically a Center Forward, has displayed several performances worthy of cheer. He scored all four of /gif/'s opening game against /g/ in the 2012 Spring Friendlies. He also fought hard against a dominant /soc/ in the Autumn Babby Cup, scoring a hat-trick against /soc/'s five goals. Sauce and /gif/ will return this Autumn under new management and a new desire to lube some goals through their opponents' net.


Wednesday 7th - Protoman

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Height: 186cm
Weight: 79kg
Cards: S19, S24, P06
Protoman is a center back for /v/. The Blue Bomber's brother was added to the team's ever-fluent roster around the Summer of 2012 to stand ready at the second line of defense. He is not your typical defender, for he is a silver player equipped with an arsenal of cards. Lunging Tackle puts his massive boots to the most effective use possible when sliding, while Weighted Pass and Pinpoint Pass allow him to get the ball to faraway teammates with grace and precision. In /v/'s most recent game against /tg/, Protoman took advantage of a corner, heading the ball for /v/'s third goal in the dying minutes of the game. So be careful, opponents of /v/, for Protoman proves there are still heroes left in this team.

Wednesday 14th - Moist Nugget

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Moist Nugget
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Height: 190cm
Weight: 90kg
Cards: S02, S06, S19, P02
Affordable. Reliable. Deadly. Also known by his real name of Mosin-Nagant, Moist Nugget is /k/'s golden center midfielder. Historically he was a silver player who spent most of his time in the midfield enforcing /k/'s defenses. Even then Moist Nugget was a player with higher aspirations, as he broke from the midfield and scored two goals during the 2012 Autumn Friendlies. The first of these was a literal last-minute goal against /gif/, and then a 37th minute goal against /pol/ the following game. Now a gold under GGSS, Moist Nugget has been reequipped with with a set of cards more suited to make him well-rounded instead of just a defender. Lunging Tackle and Anchor Man carry on his defensive tradition while Weighted Pass and Long Range Drive makes him an expert at blooting the ball towards either a teammate or the goal, depending on which he sees fit. It seems that /k/'s glory days are behind it now, but fortunes can always change in the 4chan Cup, especially considering /k/'s new management which will debut this Autumn. If we're to see improvement in the team, Moist Nugget will surely play a key role.

Wednesday 21st - Install Gentoo

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Install Gentoo
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Height: 186cm
Weight: 76kg
Cards: S01, S02, S06, P02
Install Gentoo is a center forward for /g/. In the past he was a standard starting AMF with only a single Long Range Drive card in his name. /g/'s score history is uniquely diverse and distributed amongst its roster, and Install Gentoo got a piece of this action against /mu/ during the 2012 Autumn Friendlies. Though /g/ lay dead and dormant in more recent times, they were still given a second chance in the Summer Cup thanks to Dragongate, and a new manager with new changes came along with it. Install Gentoo was promoted to team captain, a gold player, and to the position of CF in one fell swoop. /g/ was drawn into the decisively difficult Group E an unfortunately got relegated, but Install Gentoo went down swinging. The game against /m/ would prove fruitless, but Install Gentoo did slip one goal past /jp/. In the historic third match, /sp/ would fulfil the bare minimum requirements to avoid relegation, but in another universe /g/ could have easily locked /sp/ out as Install Gentoo repeatedly hammered away at the goal with only DA BURRS's wall-like defense saving the whole team. We will see Install Gentoo again in Autumn, where only a little bit further tweaking could make him and the the rest of /g/ a dangerous force.


Wednesday 25th - Nachos

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Height: 190cm
Weight: 75kg
Cards: S05, S06, S20, P12
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Every team of the 4chan Cup boasts a star player whose face can represent the entire team. Few teams, however, have players that capture the essence of the entire cup, but /ck/ is one of those teams with their front-man Nachos. Center forward, captain, and dependable like a dear friend, Nachos is among the most veteran players for both /ck/ and the entire 4chan Cup. With 32 recorded career goals, be it in good times or bad, he is the herald of /ck/'s upbeat bistro goalhorn which gets all present spectators humming. Long-time manager TunaMerchant has retired and been replaced by rookie AntacidCanada. Nachos welcomed the new management in /ck/'s most recent Friendly against /adv/ by cooking up a two-goal casserole. The win is a promising start, and we shall see where AntacidCanada will take /ck/ from here on out. Wherever it is, Nachos will certainly be there, playing his hardest as always.


Wednesday 2nd - Cheapass

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Height: 177cm
Weight: 71kg
Cards: S05, P07, P09
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Cheapass is a left midfielder for /diy/. The personification of /diy/'s self-reliant spirit, Cheapass aims to play games in the most economical way possible. While teammates Dumpster Diver and Macgyver are the tip of /diy/'s offense, their points are only made possible from support from players like Cheapass. He uses the Speed Merchant card to sway past defense, and combines it with Incisive Run and Early Cross to deliver the ball to the strikers at the most opportune times. Its with the help of his efforts that /diy/ is amongst the most promising looking former Dragonfag teams coming out of the Autumn Friendlies. Cheapass can often be seen after games washing his jersey with a stolen bar of soap in the locker room showers.

Wednesday 9th - Nikola Tesla

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Height: 188cm
Weight: 85kg
Cards: S01, S02, P16
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/sci/ is a team almost notorious for being known by a single face, to the point that it's been jokingly called “Bill Nye and 10 other guys who don't deserve to be on the same field as Bill Nye.” This is grossly untrue, for /sci/ has at least one unsung hero in the form of celibate scientist Nikola Tesla. This silver second striker is always found supporting Bill, or even outshining him. He has scored 5 career goals - always against challenging teams such as /co/, /ck/, and /fit/, and it's also interesting to note in all but one of these goals Bill was not able to match him for those particular games. It's simply shocking that Tesla has not been given more credit up until this point! /sci/ returns to the field for the Autumn Babby Cup, and though he and Bill will work together for the good of the team, they shall continue to compete to see who is the better scientist and scorer.

Wednesday 16th - Huge Orson Welles

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Height: 205cm
Weight: 110kg
Cards: S24
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At the peak of his career, he was among the biggest stars in Hollywood. In the waning days of his career, he was among the biggest men in Hollywood. Today, he is known as Huge Orson Welles and plays as a center back for /lit/. Orson is a no-nonsense personality who views any attacks on /lit/'s side of the field as a petty nuisance almost beneath his grandeur. Almost. Huge Orson Welles is a master of the Lunging Tackle, throwing his immense girth towards his opponent to stop any goal drives in their tracks. Expect yellow cards, if not broken ankles, when this happens. When asked about concerns if he should be playing professional divegrass given his weight, Huge Orson Welles proceeded to laugh uproariously at the journalist, and then called him a faggot.

Wednesday 30th - Stacy's Mom

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Height: 180cm
Weight: 80kg
Cards: S01, S05, P04
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The woman who would become /s/'s newest starting AMF spent her early days on the bench with the simple moniker of MILF. With the Autumn Qualifiers she brought her identity out from the shadows and is now called Stacy's Mom, and ladies & gentlemen, she has got it going on. Don't let her age fool you, because this cougar is as spry as any player half her age. Passing, shooting, and even raw speed-running, she can do it all. Always on the hunt for ball possession, and subsequent goals, Stacy's Mom utilizes Darting Run to charge forward in a blitz. She most recently scored 2 goals against /vp/ in the qualifiers, and though that game was a loss, she ultimately proved essential to advancing /s/ into the Autumn Babby Cup by scoring one winning goal in the vital game against /asp/. Now in the Babby Cup, it may be advised for /s/'s opponents to keep an eye on Stacy's Mom, but be warned, for she already has her eye on you too. And on him. And him...


Wednesday 6th - Loomis

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Height: 205cm
Weight: 79kg
Cards: S02, P04, P05, P10
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As the guiding light of his board, /ic/ captain Loomis has much to live up to. To some extent he has fulfilled expectations for the minnows - /ic/ have never lost a match in which their esteemed striker and captain has scored. Loomis had to wait some time for his maiden goal after playing second fiddle to the aptly-named Main Dude in 2012's Summer friendlies. His moment finally arrived the coming season as he scored early on against /diy/ to help them on to a 2-1 friendly victory. /ic/'s tournament debut was one to forget, though Loomis was able to leave with a single goal to his name in a victory against promotees /h/. After a listless Winter /ic/ held firm in their reputation as draw masters in the most recent Spring Babby Cup. In spite of his three-goal contribution, for all their efforts /ic/ again failed to advance to the big time with a meagre two points to their name. Following the new height regulations after the Summer Cup, Loomis held on to his imposing 205cm stature making him an important target man. With a card set betraying his size, Loomis is equipped for deft touches and mazy runs and is never shy to attempt a shot on goal from any range. Autumn 2013 represented the most important time in their short history, fighting for a chance to remain a Babby and possibly remain a living team at all. While manager Pato struggled to make it to the dugout, Loomis put /ic/ on his back as they earned 2-2 draws against resolute /gd/ and their fellow provisionals, eager /e/. With three goals and two man of the match awards, Loomis' importance to the side were clear to see. Autumn spelled a seasonal rematch against /diy/, though this one held much more importance than the last. Another goal in another draw ended Loomis' tournament with four goals in as many matches though his side would not advance with only three points. Loomis must reflect during a second quiet Winter, bring things back to basics, and teach /ic/ how to move beyond their sketchy past.

Wednesday 27th - Taylor Swift

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Height: 195cm
Weight: 66kg
Cards: S01, S02, S06, P12
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Here comes trouble! Taylor Swift has been a center forward for /hr/ since its conception just before the 2012 Autumn Babby Cup. Her full potential was not realized at that time, given mere Bronze status under infamous founding-manger DeAndre's era of >gold defender. Taylor's performance would be non-existent for eight games until /hr/ was left abandoned in time for the 2013 Spring Friendlies where she scored her debut goal against /y/. New management and the GGSS system would arrive for the Spring Babby Cup to give Taylor and the rest of /hr/ a massive upgrade, where goals from her and offensive partner Emma Watson grew far more common. In the 2013 Autumn Babby Cup, Taylor Swift has demonstrated she can be an outright menace. She scored one of two comeback goals against /s/, one goal against /gif/, and most notably carried her team with two goals against /tv/, including a miracle last-second shot which won /hr/ that game. Now as /hr/ finds themselves in the knockout rounds for the first time in team history, they will depend on Taylor more than ever. Let us see if she can be as vicious with her feet as she is with her lyrics.


Wednesday 4th - Young Stalin

Young Stalin Fa icon.png

Height: 189cm
Weight: 82kg
Cards: S01, S05, S06, P13
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Young Stalin, in addition to being best-dressed young Georgian bolshevik you'll ever meet, is also a second striker for /fa/. A staple of the team roster since its early days, he effectively breaches opponents defenses like he breaches the Czar's walls. During the recent Autumn Babby Cup, /fa/ demonstrated to be a team whose strength was in their defense, but you can't win a game on defense alone, and that's where Young Stalin came in. With four goals to his name, he helped give his team an impressive showing in the group stages with two wins and a draw. His steady offense continued in the knockout rounds with a goal each respectively against /c/ and /hr/, bringing his team to the championship match. While /fa/ took only took 2nd place, /fa/ returns for the Winter Cup. Just be wary, this Winter Young Stalin shall feel most at home for they are well acquainted with the cold in Mother Russia.

Wednesday 18th - Pixyteri

Pixyteri Cgl icon.png

Height: 179cm
Weight: 75kg
Cards: S01
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She's thin, beautiful, financially stable, mentally sound, desired by all men, and plays right midfield for /cgl/ - only one of the previous statements is true. Pixyteri indeed is a silver RMF for the astoundingly long-lived team of cosplaying drama queens. While being notorious off the field for thinking the world revolves around her, she is actually quite generous in sharing the ball with her teammates. Skilled at quick, one-touch passing, her ability to rocket throughballs to star striker Dramu has been the key to any success /cgl/ has seen for most of its tenure. Pixyteri has still been known to occasionally steal the spotlight with 3 career goals, including one goal during the shocking upset against /pol/ this last Autumn Babby Cup which put her team through to the knockouts despite their managerless status. Against all odds, /cgl/ climbs up the rungs to play again this Winter, where Pixyteri is sure to buy a dozen new uniforms in preparation.